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Although I took command in switching my therapy, I continued to attribute "god"-like qualities to the psychiatrist, assuming she knew all, even when I didn't tell her. Although I kept on having suicidal ideation, I just thought that was what I had to live with. It wasn't until another patient from the meadows I corresponded with suggested that the medication was not working properly did I request a change. When I switched to Prozac, I was shocked to find that those obsessive wishes for death mostly disappeared.
I'm not really sure how I grew out of depression. I know God had a lot to do with it. I know I worked very hard, too. If you have ever been in deep depression, you may understand how I always feared that I'd go back down into those black depths.
On Easter 1999, God granted me a surprising unitive experience that is still with me. It still reassures me about his existence, his love, and his assurance that I will never kill myself. What a gift. Below, I'll copy my journal entry for this day:
“God sent his Son, they called him Jesus, he came to love, heal and forgive; he lived and died to buy my pardon. An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives. Because he lives, I can face tomorrow; because he lives, all fear is gone; because I know he holds the future, and life is worth the living just because he lives.” (Hymn #364, Methodist Hymnal)
On Easter Sunday this was sung after the congregation reaffirmed their Baptism Covenant. At the time I was preoccupied with assuring Margaret that this affirming applied to her, too, even though she had never been baptized. I was feeling some guilt and parental concern as we spoke together, hoping she believed and also that her older (and bored) brother would even say the words!
To my great surprise, I sang the song from my heart, realizing suddenly that the words “Because he lives, I can face tomorrow; because he lives, all fear is gone”—were the TRUTH for me. The assurance and love and peace of this flooded over me in triumph to truly know that “life is worth the living just because he lives.”
I have spent the past four years of my life either in deep depression seriously considering suicide or fearing that I’d fall back into that pit inevitably in the future. This fear (of the fear) and the knowledge that I didn’t trust God enough burdened me with feelings of fear, failure, shame, and pain. Even as I have maintained and gained new balance, the fear of the returning blackness always remained with me. I never imagined that I could live without this doubt.
Then on Easter I was given the gift of assurance, not in just words, but in truth. God’s presence overwhelmed me. I know and do not fear. This will always be part of me, just as it never was before. Though unexplainable to others and even to myself, I am reassured, comforted, raised up in such gratitude that I cannot express.
As Psalm 16 ends:
You show me the path of life,
In your presence there is fullness of joy.
I have been so blessed to know this truth within me.
O my God, thank you for saving me, for your faithfulness beyond my knowledge, for your grace in giving me the trust I’ve yearned for and feared, for your Son’s resurrection—and mine. Help me to glorify you with all my life. Amen.
12 comments:
Praise God from Whom all Blessings Flow! Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Oh, jan. lovely post. such grace and hope in the reassurance of God's love and presence for you.
A resurrection experience!
I have not had the hospital experience or the long years of depression, but I have been through more than one period of major depression and have lay alone in bed wondering why I couldn't just go to sleep and never wake up. It was on one such night that I had an experience with God, different from yours, but with the same outcome: I knew, in the depths of my being, that I would live, I would be OK, I was loved by God and surrounded by a cloud of witnesses. Thanks so much for the courage to share your story. Resurrection does happen. It happens, indeed!
Resurrection does happen, thanks be to God.
I'm grateful for your courage, your faith, and your auntenticity in being willing to share such deep feelings.
What a treasure you are to God's heart!
thank you for sharing your powerful experiences of healing and resurrection.
Jan, what a beautiful story. I have had that type of experience of God's presence, feeling surrounded by his infinite love for me. It's a knowing beyond explanation, but it's as real (though not physical) as the keyboard I'm typing on. And it's transformative; it brings healing. It's something you can never lose, something no one can take away from you.
Once you "know" in that way, you know in the deepest way.
I seem not to be making much sense here, partially because, to me, the experience is ineffable, beyond words. It just is.
May God be with you as you continue your journey.
Jan, my response is a spontaneous Praise Be to God!
I am certainly blessed by all your comments. Thank you for your support.
I am glad to read that God spoke to you in a way that uplifted you. I think that in our struggles, and in our moments of despair, God is always speaking to us. May God's spirit continue to speak to you and offer you the courage necessary to face what life has to offer.
You know, only those who have made it back from the brink appreciate the joy and value of just living... what a wonderful story...
deb
Jan, I am coming in late here after retreat, but had to comment...such power in your story. I felt for you so much as I have walked this journey with clients so often and struggled with my own, though, not as severe bouts, of depression. Your sharing this is a gift to all of us.
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