Be Silent

15

In 15 more posts I will have 2,000 posts up on this blog! That is definitely hard to fathom. Does that indicate a time to close this and open a new one? However, I am still "yearning for God."

Also, in 15 days CB and I are leaving for a long driving trip, which means we will be out of our house for over a month. Luckily, a friend is going to stay here, with her grandchildren, and take care of our three dogs and one cat. We are driving north, hoping to avoid forest fires, so that we can visit various national parks, like Canyon de Chelly, Moab, Glacier, and Yellowstone! These will be quick visits, so I hope we will appreciate each breathtaking view and not grow "accustomed" to the splendor and thus miss it.

Vacations as I grew up were always to visit relatives and we practiced that also while our children were growing up, since we lived in TX and our parents lived in WA State. CB's parents still live there, as do daughters AE and KA, so that will be the furthest destination on this trip.

I can point to another 15--as in 15 minutes of meditation. I try to sit in silence for 20 minutes twice a day, but often it is 15 minutes. . . . or even less. It is always good to remember that the important thing is to sit twice a day--even for one minute each time!

If you have any connection to 15 today, let me know in a comment!

Yearning

I think I entitled my blog "Yearning for God," because of the longing I have felt in my heart off and on for years--the desire to know God. Sometimes this has been felt as a physical yearning, which I now realize was my heart center always pulling me within, though I did not know what it meant for years.

Since my mother's death in 1992, I sought God--mostly through books, attending church and some prayer. This journey is described in my Faith Story. However, it is only in the past two years that I learned that the location of the longing is my heart center.

Thanks to the Rev. Sandy Casey-Martus coming to All Saints Episcopal Church, I learned how to meditate through the practice of Christ Centered Prayer. Synchronistically, I marked her beginning at All Saints at a retreat and ended her tenure there with another retreat with her this past weekend. Yesterday was Sandy's last day as rector at All Saints.

Due to her departure, Mary and I will be leading the two regularly-scheduled Christ Centered Prayer classes/groups on Monday evenings and Thursdays at noon. Tonight was the first time I was in charge; there were five of us, all of whom had attended the recent retreat. I am pleased to report that the Spirit confirmed the Divine Presence during our meditation time together.

One of the topics we discussed after praying was "Longing." From Sandy and Carla's book The Lessons:

"Longing is the inner yearning for that which you are. It is the longing within your heart to know the mystery of God."

Reading this tonight reminded me of all the times I felt that yearning within me. I am grateful that the teacher appeared when I needed one, so that I learned to practice and be committed to the practice of Christ Centered Prayer, which is somewhat similar to Centering Prayer but with no word or mantra.

"Longing prompts you to seek, investigate, ponder, and walk a spiritual path.

"It is an unidentified longing that may turn you in the direction of your inner reality with the help of the Christ Centered Prayer practice."

Casey-Martus, Sandy and Mancari, Carla. The Lessons: How to Understand Spiritual Principles, Spiritual Activities, and Rising Emotions. Tucson: Wheatmark, 2008. 128.

Child Leaping for Joy Icon

I've always been attracted to icons of Mary, the Theotokos. A few times I have experienced great mercy and compassion sitting in front of her. That is why I was struck by reading "Mother Mary - Spirit of Mary" in The Lessons: How to Understand Spiritual Principles, Spiritual Activities, and Rising Emotions by Rev. Sandra Casey-Martus and Carla Mancari. (Remember that this book is made up of short sections entitled "lessons" and is more of a workbook about contemplative prayer than a book to read in one sitting.)

I especially liked these points about Mary:

"In the spirit of Mary, you may rest in a mother's expression of consciousness. When you feel unloved, unwanted, and not appreciated, it is Mary's spirit that dries your tears and tenderly holds you."

"The spirit of Mary loves you in places you could never conceive--in the deepest crevices of your heart, in the most disparate moments of your life, and during your most unlovable moments."
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Icon of the Mother of God Joyful

The "Joyful" (Vzigranie) Icon of the Most Holy Theotokos appeared near Moscow on November 7, 1795 . Nothing is known of the history of the icon, except that many miracles have taken place before it.

Icons of this name are found in the Novodevichy Monastery in Moscow, and in the Vatopedi Monastery on Mt Athos. In appearance, the "Joyful" Icon resembles the "Pelagonitissa" Icon, a variant of the Glykophylousa ("Sweet-Kissing") or Eleousa type.

The Icon is sometimes called "Child Leaping for Joy."

Then I went looking for Glykophylousa ("Sweet-Kissing") icon:

Mother of God (Glykophylousa)

You can see by the other icons I've posted about, I like this type of "sweet kissing" or "loving kindness" icon best of all.

and there were no words

and you held me and there were no words
and there was no time and you held me
and there was only wanting and
being held and being filled with wanting
and I was nothing but letting go
and being held
and there were no words and there
needed to be no words
and there was no terror only stillness
and I was wanting nothing and
it was fullness and it was like aching for God
and it was touch and warmth and
darkness and no time and no words and we flowed
and I flowed and I was not empty
and I was given up to the dark and
in the darkness I was not lost
and the wanting was like the fullness and I could
hardly hold it and I was held and
you were dark and warm and without time and
without words and you held me

~~Janet Morley

Morley, Janet. "#71." The Book of a Thousand Prayers. Ed. Angela Ashwin. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2002. 41.

This prayer is also posted at A Place for Prayer today. Please visit this ministry blog of RevGalBlogPals.

Meditation Lessens Shyness

The above picture shows how I usually feel at large gatherings, social occasions, and/or parties. I am usually the one who feels left out, thus showing others that I do not want to be with them. . . .not that I usually realize that at the time! I am an introvert; I am shy.

Because of my tendency to feel shy when I am in new situations, I was worried about my cousin Margaret's 80th birthday party in Calgary this past Saturday. I thought that I might fall back into myself and simply endure the time with all the people celebrating Margaret.

However, I forgot about myself and had a wonderful time. I helped Margaret's children set up first in the church auditorium and then looked for solitary people and introduced myself: "I am Jan, Margaret's cousin from Texas." That broke the ice and each person was warm and friendly.

This was a radical departure from the wedding I went to last summer for Margaret's daughter Kathy in Banff. I was glad to leave early because I knew so few people and escaped to the hotel as soon as I could!

I think the big difference in me since then is the consistent twice-daily practice of Christ-Centered Prayer. Before that wedding, I was sporadically meditating, but I newly committed around that time to pray twice a day, every day. Meditating is bringing greater peace to my life, plus less awareness of ME-me-me.

It's obvious that we are called to be kind to others and not selfishly focused on oneself, but my shyness has usually revolved around me not feeling good enough, not enough for people to want to talk with me. Then I would hide and withdraw, thus again indicating I am not interested in talking to anyone.

I am really grateful that I could wholeheartedly celebrate with Margaret, her family and friends on her 80th birthday! Thanks to God, I did not keep looking at myself but looked at each person as special (holy).

Margaret laughing after she blew out the candles on her birthday cake.

Doubting myself

I remember when I was in therapy and going to 12-step groups, people always compared growth to the peeling of an onion. It seems like we keep returning to the same behavior, even though we think we've gone beyond it. Back again!

I fell back into the behavior of thinking that I'm not good enough this past week. That has been a pattern throughout my entire life, probably because I grew up with an alcoholic father who was very critical. I now realize he acted this way due to his own feelings of inadequacy, but I did not know that when I was growing up.

Through therapy, healing and spiritual growth, I have gained more confidence in myself. Periodically, I fall again into self-denigration. At least now I don't stay in that self-critical mode as long; slowly I am learning.

This past week I was doubting my proficiency (what a term!) in prayer, as I continued to sit in meditation (or Christ Centered Prayer) twice a day. "Not good enough" was a refrain echoing within, but with continued centering prayer and keeping on, that diminished into non-existence.

Awareness of this weakness in me is key; if I can notice this tendency sooner, then I will let go of the judgment in a more timely manner. This pattern may never totally disappear, but I have faith that it will continue to lessen.

Growth seems to go forwards and backwards and in a spiral, but I am already beloved and whole in the sight of God--even if I don't know that yet. It's like the story of a person being hidden by 1,000 veils; with the unveiling of each one, sight becomes clearer; the person is still the same, but that cannot be seen until all is revealed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My spiritual director told me to read about "Doubts" in The Lessons: How to Understand Spiritual Principles, Spiritual Activities, and Rising Emotions by Sandy Casey-Martus and Carla Mancari. (This is not a book for easy reading; it is more of a workbook or reference book for spiritual growth.) Here are a few pertinent quotes that helped me:

"Doubts are inner rising mental vibrating energies which cause you to question your spiritual walk in all its phases."

"Doubts trigger a chain reaction. Doubts--disbelief--wavering--distrusting--hesitation--lack of creativity that may slow your forward progress. At times, doubts may freeze your ability to move to the inner awareness. For all these reasons, doubts are taken seriously."

"There are doubts when there doesn't appear to be any spiritual progress and there are doubts when there does appear to be progress. With doubts, it is always a no win--no win situation. "

Casey-Martus, Sandy and Mancari, Carla. The Lessons: How to Understand Spiritual Principles, Spiritual Activities, and Rising Emotions. Tucson: Wheatmark, 2008. 71-72.

Deepening Realization

I was fortunate to attend a short contemplative prayer retreat out at Mustang Island Retreat Center this past weekend. We spent three hours a day in prayer and three hours a day in class, being taught from the book The Lessons: How to Understand Spiritual Principles, Spiritual Activities, and Rising Emotions by its authors Sandy Casey-Martus and Carla R. Mancari. It was much like the retreat I described here. (You may recall that the Reverend Sandy Casey-Martus is the priest of All Saints Episcopal Church here in Corpus Christi.)

There were 21 people in attendance, some from different churches and locales. Two people who attended the retreat linked above were there. Friends from All Saints and my lectio divina group also attended. I met an older woman who lives in Austin, who surprisingly grew up in Lynden, WA where my mother lived after she was seven years old.

One of the topics discussed was realization: A realization stays with you, as it helps you realize your Godly nature of love. Experiences and insights will come and go, fading from memory--but not realizations. A realization marks a moment of clarity and insight that causes one to change something about one's life or attitude. What is more, understanding takes time to develop. That reminds me of how many years it took Julian of Norwich to write with more understanding about the visions of Jesus Christ that she experienced on her supposed deathbed. It took Paul ten years to integrate his experience on the road to Damascus.

"Realizations and enlightenments require time to expand and deepen. For this reason, wisdom may seem to lag behind a realization and often does. Wisdom comes naturally from within awareness in due time." (78)

An expansion of a a major realization of my life occurred this weekend. When I was still depressed and spending too much time on suicidal ideation in 1999, I was blessed with an indescribable flooding of God's love, which I understood to mean that I would never kill myself. That realization changed my life in that I knew I would never sink into such depression again. And I progressively grew healthier.

11 years later I suddenly realized that I needed that interpretation for the past decade, but that it also has a fuller meaning: God infinitely loves and exists and I (and humanity) will always be in the Divine with no end. I believe that this understanding came from my practice of sitting in Christ-Centered Prayer twice a day since January 2009.

"It is in God-awareness that you live, move and have your being. You are the heart, mind, intellect, and voice of an individual expression of the Father/Christ Consciousness on this earth." (78)

(The quotes are from Best-Kept Secret by Sandra Casey-Martus and Carla Mancari. This describes Christ-Centered Prayer in a more narrative form than The Lessons, which is more of a workbook and teaching aid to the prayer.)

I am glad I was at the retreat, which ended this morning so there was time to go to church with MJ and CB. (MJ drove back to San Antonio this afternoon. She starts working for one of the Trinity University professors tomorrow--doing chemistry research.)

Yes!

As this is posted, I'll be in San Antonio for one of those mystics courses--this time Ronald Rolheiser talking about Therese of Lisieux. That's worth leaving here at 6 am to get to San Antonio in time for the talk's beginning.

So with the gratitude list almost finished, signaled by few comments, I am glad.

Yes

Hearing someone say "yes" or answering that is a positive action to be grateful for. Each breath we take is a "yes" to life and a gift from God.

You

"You" was once my centering prayer holy word. Now that I am sitting in Christ-centered prayer, I no longer use a centering word. However, I am always looking to the Divine You.

yesterday

I am especially grateful for yesterday, which was MJ's 20th birthday.

Meeting you is always a joy.

We're called to "Come Home"

Today my dear friend TK read to me something our new priest Sandy sang to us at a Lenten service, which is in her book The Lessons:

"Clothed in brilliant white, face unseen yet known.
Tall in splendor knowing, He says to me,
'Come home.'
From deep within His being, He gently beckons me,
'Let go of all your sorrows. Come in me and find your peace.'
One moment, Lord. I close my eyes, I need to go within.
A second to reflect, I thought, before I can begin.
Time then stopped in stillness. How long I cannot say.
Lost somewhere within His love my Lord in me did pray.
What of our encounter, Lord?
You know we never had our chat.
'Hush, my child. Be still. Can't you see? It's over just like that.'
But Lord, it was too easy, to forget myself in thee.
I wanted to tell you all there was.
But you only wanted me."

Casey-Martus, Sandy and Carla R. Mancari. The Lessons: How to Understand Spiritual Principles, Spiritual Activities, and Rising Emotions. Tucson, Arizona: Wheatmark, 2008. 161.

This was the essence of a mystical experience Sandy had, which she writes more about in this book. This is what she teaches us about prayer--letting go to God, with no expectations of oneself or of the Holy One.

Pictures from last week's retreat

Here are a few pictures from the Well Spring Retreat Center in Blanco, TX where I spent last week on a prayer retreat with Sandy Casey-Martus and Carla Mancari.

This is a typical picture of the "Texas hill country"--you can see the hills in the background. These caliche roads are all around the countryside.

This is the chapel where we prayed three hours every day. A better picture of the chapel is here, though I liked this one with the typical brush in front.

This is an amazing 26 foot tall bronze statue of Jesus. He looks like he is walking towards you with open arms. I can't remember who the artist is though.

Mary with baby Jesus

Home again

It is nice to be home again!

I am back in Corpus Christi after a four hour drive from Blanco, TX where the retreat was. We spent three hours a day in prayer and three hours a day in class, being taught from the book The Lessons: How to Understand Spiritual Principles, Spiritual Activities, and Rising Emotions by its authors Sandy Casey-Martus and Carla R. Mancari.


Learning about Christ Centered Prayer is renewing my faith in God and my commitment to sit twice daily in contemplation. For the past few years, I have sporadically tried to do Centering Prayer-- not much faithfulness there!

Of course, sitting in prayer for three hours a day this past week has affected me!

This is not a book to be read easily in one sitting; it is more like a workbook to study. It contains the years of communication between our future priest and her spiritual director about her spiritual learnings, questions, and realizations about contemplative prayer. I will be studying this for years to come--and putting what I can into practice.

Here is what they say about Christ Centered Prayer from their website:

"The silent Christ Centered Prayer practice is contained within the Contemplative Invitation Teaching. The teaching is a body of revealed writings that builds upon previous Christian contemplative tradition and biblical reference. The intent of this teaching is to offer a definitive, concise Christian understanding of spiritual principles. The Contemplative Invitation Teaching's unique contribution is in its clear, precise language and use of sacred scripture. Validation of the teaching is a direct result of the Christ Centered Prayer practice.

"Christ Centered Prayer is a simple inner prayer of awareness under the guidance of the Holy Spirit in the name of Jesus Christ. Christ Centered Prayer may directly facilitate entrance into the Spiritual Heart Center and the awareness of God, the still small voice, who is known by faith and dwells within you always. 'Be still, and know that I am God . . .'(Psalm 46: 10).

"The Christ Centered Prayer practice is for you, who have an interest in responding to God "without words" in solitude, simplicity, and silence. 'Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God' (Matthew 5: 8).

"You are not unlike the prodigal child returning home to your Father's house. Christ Centered Prayer may open your heart to God's healing presence and power. The implicit petition is, 'Create in me a clean heart, O God; renew right spirit within me' (Psalm 51: 10).

"Access to the Divine Indwelling is not only possible, but practical. It is to this Divine Indwelling awareness that the Christ Centered Prayer intends."

More will be written about this as I continue in prayer and have Sandy as my rector.

Leaving tomorrow

This is where I am going for the next week on a prayer retreat. I have never been there before, so you can see all I've seen so far. Since I am not supposed to arrive until dinner time, I am going to the once monthly meeting of Christian Mysticism in San Antonio in the morning. The talks will be on The Cloud of Unknowing and Julian of Norwich. When that ends, I'll meet daughter MJ for lunch. We might even go to a movie: we're considering "Doubt" or "Milk."

Then I will drive another hour north of San Antonio to Blanco, TX where Well Spring Center is somewhere out in the country. I'll be there until Friday.

Tonight I've been baking three small turkey pot pies for my absence and also to freeze. Chicken and turkey pot pies are favorites in my family, with a good recipe from that old La Leche League cookbook Whole Foods for the Whole Family.

Although I'll be gone, come back and visit if you want to read quotes and/or see cartoons in my absence. One a day will pop up!

Our New Priest

Our new priest is Sandy Casey-Martus, who is leaving All Saints Episcopal Church in Austin, TX as associate rector to be rector of my parish, All Saints Episcopal Church in Corpus Christi, TX. Her first Sunday is Feb. 15.

She and Carla R. Mancari are authors of a book The Lessons: How to Understand Spiritual Principles, Spiritual Activities, and Rising Emotions. In this book, they teach about Christ-Centered Prayer, which is also a website they maintain.

This is the topic of a conference I am attending all next week: January 17-23. I am eager to meet Sandy!