Life Is God's Chess Game

What is the difference
Between your experience of Existence
And that of a saint?

The saint knows
That the spiritual path
Is a sublime chess game with God

And that the Beloved
Has just made such a Fantastic Move

That the saint is now continually
Tripping over Joy
And bursting out in Laughter
And saying, "I Surrender!"

Whereas, my dear,
I am afraid you still think

You have a thousand serious moves.
~Hafiz

Ladinsky, Daniel. I Heard God Laughing: Renderings of Hafiz. Point Richmond, CA: Paris Printing, 1996. 127

Look

I learned this saying during my years of attending Al-Anon meetings, never realizing that Albert Einstein said these words (first?).

It is time for me to ponder these words again, looking at my life.

WHAT do I keep on doing and no change is in sight?

Spoon Theory

This cutesy image goes along with a blog called But You Don't Look Sick.Com, which perfectly describes how I appear to most people these days, even myself when I'm under the influence of prednisone. More pointedly, the girl with the spoon is emphasizing The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino. I wrote about this on my RA blog, which I hope you will look at sometime.

I think the Spoon Theory applies to anyone who is under stress, ill, or depressed. The story narrator explains to a friend how fatigued she becomes, because she is given daily a certain number of spoons. If she uses the spoons for too many activities, she runs out of spoons and thus has no more energy.

It is a simple story, but illustrates how energy is easily used up when it is not replenished. (That reminds me of the 12 Step acronym HALT--Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired--If you are experiencing any of these, you should pay attention and take care of yourself!)

Go and read The Spoon Theory.

Friday Five: Verses

At RevGalBlogPals, Songbird suggests:
For today's Friday Five, list your five favorite passages/verses from the Bible and tell us something about why you love them.

1. He has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? (Micah 6:8)

This verse was first emphasized for me on a Walk to Emmaus that my (walking) friend Katherine led about 14 years ago. I believe this is a rule of life for all people, which is also represented in the first three steps (of the Twelve Steps) of Al-Anon:

1. We admitted we were powerless over people, places, and things (alcohol)--that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him/Her.

2. Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)
I am newly aware of the Presence of God in the practice of meditation--NOT all the time, but in the effects I see in my life. In stillness and quietness, waiting is the way for faith to grow.

3. God is Light. (1 John 1:5)
I like short verses I can repeat (and remember)! This reminds me that nature shows the Holiness of Life. The metaphor of "light in darkness" means a lot to me, especially when I remember my struggles with depression.

For a long time in depression, I did not feel or know God was with me, but eventually I did--as a "light in the darkness." This continues to be a lesson to me to keep going in faith, even when I doubt and forget, because I remember the hope I found in despair.

4. . . .my soul is like the weaned child that is with me. (Psalm 131:2b: all of Ps. 131)
I've always loved this Psalm 131, mostly because of the image of the weaned child. I remember holding my babies and toddlers when they had finished nursing and how sweet that was. It is comforting to think of that.

A minister once told me that she had a professor in seminary who advised his students to repeat Psalm 131 every day, which would result in growth in humility (see #1).

5. For though we have never yet seen God, when we love each other, God lives in us and his love within us grows ever stronger. (1 John 4:12)
I believe this.

A friend recently told me about her 95 year old mother who has Alzheimers. When asked if her mother remembers her, Gloria paused and then said, "She knows I love her and she knows she loves me, even though she does not always remember my name." That's what love is.

Jan. Friends: Acceptance

Friendship is always a way of accepting others for whom they are. However, I am not always as welcoming to myself as I am with others. Having grown up in an alcoholic home, I was raised with unwritten laws of (1) do not talk; (2) do not feel; and (3) do not trust. These "rules" continue to affect me in my life, though I am growing out of them to some degree.

Unfortunately, during times of stress, I revert to old patterns and inevitably judge myself harshly. I am aware that I did this during our Christmas-time with all our children home: when things seemed to be rocky or not idyllic, I periodically would assume it was MY fault. But how can I be in charge of everyone else? Forgetting that the only person I can change is myself, I expected that I could make everyone happy! When that failed to materialize, I took on the blame or responsibility.

This is old, old behavior. So my family and visitors were teaching me lessons I needed to learn (and re-learn)--that feelings arise and disappear and are NOT who I am (or who anyone else is). I am NOT my feelings! I am beloved as I am, not in the future or the past--just as each person is.

What is necessary:

ACCEPT--ALLOW--RESPECT!

Lost on the Path

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again,
expecting different results.

That 12-step saying that "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results" seems relevant to my feeling lost and stuck at the same time. Not knowing where to go has me not moving, which is a typical reaction, but not helpful. I am even finding it difficult to pray and sit with God.

And here is an interesting connection to all this from one of my Lenten readings:

Henri Nouwen writes:
". . . The descending way is a way that is concealed in each person's heart. But because it is so seldom walked on, it's often overgrown with weeds. Slowly but surely we have to clear the weeds, open the way, and set out on it unafraid.

"For me, this weeding out process is always related to prayer, because to pray is to make free time for God, even when you've very busy with important matters of one kind or another. Every time you make free time for God, you clear up a bit of the descending path, and you see where you can plant your feet on the way to love."

Nouwen, Henri J. M. Show Me the Way: Readings for Each Day of Lent. NY: Crossroad, 1994. 47.

So it is time to sit, perhaps followed by writing. . . . Then at 11 o'clock, there is the Lectio Divina group at FUMC, which will be a good place to be.

ABC's of Gratitude

I remember that Mompriest wrote about the ABC's of gratitude some months ago. Since I am not very creative these days, I've decided to embark on 26 days of gratitude, which Altar Ego began and inspired Mompriest and now me.

Absence of God

Because of a friend's post about being alone, I remembered how a professor at Oblate School of Theology talked about the perceived ABSENCE of God actually being the PRESENCE of God. I think that's from the thinking of Karl Rahner, but I cannot be sure. (Rahner was the special interest of this professor.) So I try to re-interpret my feelings of nothingness about God as really God's reminder that God IS.

3 A's of Al Anon: Awareness, acceptance, action

Al Anon counts, too, because during the time that I was struggling with depression, I became newly cognizant that I was an adult child of an alcoholic. Going to 12-step groups was/is a cheap way to get therapy and support. The principles shared there continue to shape my life.

One of the principles is "awareness, acceptance, action," which corresponds to repentance (turning around) and conversion. Before a behavior can be changed, one must become aware of it. Then it's a longer process of getting to a point of awareness with no judgments as to it being "good" or "bad." After this acceptance, which grows into detachment, action is more readily successful.

All Saints Episcopal Church

This is the church where my first three children were baptized and where I have found my spiritual home. I love its atmosphere of acceptance, liberal approach to thinking, and deep yearning for spiritual growth. The sanctuary and labyrinth are beautiful, as are the liturgies. The people are dear.

Angst

Looking back on the difficult emotional periods of my life, I can be grateful afterwards for angst--as opportunities for growth. It is used in English to describe an intense feeling of strife, dread or anxiety.

Art

I have never felt artistic. However, I notice that there are 68 posts with art on this blog. I have several friends who are painters. I am learning that I appreciate art more than I used to.

Address book

Knowing where my address book is important to me. I used to write long handwritten letters, but now occasionally send cards. Still, I need those addresses, especially of my children.

I remember when I took a statewide exam for TX teachers (to get a lifetime certificate!) about 25 years ago, the essay question was, "What would you regret most if lost?" I remember writing about my address book, wondering if the readers would think I was crazy. Still, that was the truth.

Gratefulness

Talking to a friend today, I remember the ABC's of gratitude as espoused by an Al Anon group I used to belong to. I guess I think of the word "gratefulness" from my love for David Steindl-Rast's book Gratefulness: The Heart of Prayer.

I remember using the ABC's of gratitude when I used to get depressed. So before we get too far into Holy Week, I decided to try that here. Try it yourself, either on your blog or privately.

A--apples
B--books
C--children
D--dogs
E--ears
F--family
G--God
H--holidays
I--ice
J--justice
K--kisses
L--Licorice (our deceased Lab)
M--marzipan
N--notes
O--oatmeal (with peanut butter and raisins!)
P--pansies
Q--quiet
R--rain
S--sleep
T--tea
U--us
V--visits
W--Washington (state)
X--xxx's (any ideas?)
Z--Zambia

It used to be easy if I used my children, family, and friend's names, but for privacy, I did not want to do that.

And the list could be just for those people mentioned above, for animals, for food, for countries or cities--lots of things!

Hi. I'm an introvert.

Introvert Bench!

After an unusually busy weekend for me, I am wanting time alone, even skipping a meeting at church today. I acknowledge that I need to "recharge my energy," which I just read about here. The author cited is Marti Olsen, who wrote The Introvert Advantage, which I have not read.

"Introverts have social skills, they like people, and they enjoy some types of socializing… Introverts enjoy one-on-one conversations, but group activities can be overstimulating and drain energy."

Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D

That pretty much describes me!

Friday night there was a church choir potluck dinner, as husband CB is in the choir, at a member's house. Saturday night there was a company retirees dinner, which is made up of six couples. We were there for four hours before being the first to depart. We're almost always the first to leave (CB is also an introvert) any event, which held true for both dinners. We have a good time--and get tired sooner than everyone else!

I was one of the hostesses of a bridal shower on Saturday afternoon. 35 women came, most of whom I know from my former church (First United Methodist Church). The shower was for the sister of oldest son DC's best friend as they grew up. I was happy to participate and help and enjoyed the time there, but had to leave after three hours so I could get home and make a salad for the dinner that night!

This morning I helped another person teach a class on the Enneagram. This is a Sunday School class that will meet each Sunday in March. Just as with any type of self-reflection, working the Enneagram or spiritual path, I am realizing (again) that we need to accept and not judge as either "good" or "bad" our attributes. The way is awareness, acceptance, action, a teaching from Al-Anon that continues to reverberate in my being.

I do find that I accept myself being an introvert, which actually was the reason I gave the co-chairperson of the committee (that is meeting right now) that I could not attend--that I was "overwhelmed" and needed some time alone. Whew! That is so true.

Here's a funny but true article about introverts by Jonathan Rauch.

HALT!

H = hungry
A = angry
L = lonely
T= tired

While talking to a friend today, HALT came up when she told me about an incident where she lost herself in hurt, anger and frustration. I asked her if she had ever gone to any 12-step groups, and she answered that she had not. So I proceeded to tell her about the acronym HALT.

When someone is hunger, angry, lonely and/or tired, one is more likely to be vulnerable to overreacting. It is an awareness word or symbol to ask oneself in difficult situations. If someone is aware of being hungry, angry, lonely and/or tired, it would be best to STOP and take care of the deficiency. Then coping is easier.

This is true for any age, but children and teenagers probably show the effects of these conditions much more forcefully. HALT is a good thing to remember and to teach others about.

Detachment

I remember first hearing about “detachment” when I attended Al-Anon meetings in the 1990’s. At that time a friend gave me a meditation book for all the days of a year entitled Courage to Change. Looking at it tonight, I see that there are 14 days devoted to the subject of “detachment.” I went looking for the story I remember well of a woman displaying detachment by leaving her drunken spouse passed out on the floor and covering him with a blanket, which always puzzled me. That’s day’s reminder says:

"With my Higher Power’s help, I will keep a loving blanket of detachment with me. I will cover my loved ones with it, whether or not they struggle with a disease, keeping in mind that when I am dealing with other human beings, I am dealing with children of God." (22)

I never realized until today that that reminder describes the detachment I felt on Sunday. Meeting with my spiritual director today helped me to see that God gifted me with peace, which I now recognize as detachment, after a mini-crisis at home before church.

My husband did something that irritated me so much that I slammed the door when I went to get the morning paper! (I’m very good at passive aggression.) What usually would send me into anger and tears brought me to prayer instead. By the time I was in the church service, I found that I was praying for our hearts to be opened to each other and to God. When we kneeled side-by-side to receive the Eucharist, I found myself offering us to the Holy One. All morning I was bathed in God’s peace, with no resentment, my usual reaction, felt at all.

I was not intentionally asking for detachment or for forgiveness; I found myself giving myself to the Lord—and then offering us both. This did not feel like my will, but an expansion of Love opening up. The gift was revealed more fully today when I talked with Ani, my spiritual director. Until now, I never realized that detachment was so loving.

And this gift is pretty well described in Courage to Change:

"The most loving form of detachment I have found has been forgiveness. Instead of thinking of it as an eraser to wipe another’s slate clean or a gavel that I pound to pronounce someone ‘not guilty,’ I think of forgiveness as a scissors. I use it to cut the strings of resentment that bind me to a problem or a past hurt.

"When I am consumed with negativity over another person’s behavior, I have lost my focus. I needn’t tolerate what I consider unacceptable, but wallowing in negativity will not alter the situation. If there is action to take, I am free to take it. Where I am powerless to change the situation, I will turn it over to my Higher Power. By truly letting go, I detach and forgive.

"When my thoughts are full of bitterness, fear, self-pity, and dreams of revenge, there is little room for love or for the quiet voice of guidance within me. I am willing to love myself enough to admit that resentments hold me back, and then I can let them go." (289)

All the years of letting go and praying Bless ______, change me must have opened the way for God to bring me to this place of Love. Not me, but YOU. Thank you.

Such Hope and Love! It reminds me of my long-ago therapist telling me, "Trust the process." Trust the Lord. Trust Love.

Forgiveness or Letting Go

At the end of November, I was drawn to look at the first three steps again. Today my new spiritual director, who is the interim priest at my church, suggested that I would be helped if I started attending Al-Anon meetings again. So tonight I have been looking through my 1994 copy of Courage to Change.

Here is a meditation from that book about forgiveness or letting go:

"The most loving form of detachment I have found has been forgiveness. Instead of thinking of it as an eraser to wipe another's slate clean or a gavel that I pound to pronounce someone 'not guilty,' I think of forgiveness as a pair of scissors. I use it to cut the strings of resentment that bind me to a problem or a past hurt. By releasing resentment, I set myself free.

"When I am consumed with negativity over another person's behavior, I have lost my focus. I needn't tolerate what I consider unacceptable, but wallowing in negativity will not alter the situation. If there is action to take, I am free to take it. Where I am powerless to change the situation, I will turn it over to my Higher Power. By truly letting go, I detach and forgive.

"When my thoughts are full of bitterness, fear, self-pity, and dreams of revenge, there is little room for love or for the quiet voice of guidance within me. I am willing to love myself enough to admit that resentments hold me back, and then I can let them go."

This so reminds me of Brother Lawrence, who talked about letting go like this:

--If I do something good, I thank God, and then I give it to God.

--If I do something wrong, I ask for forgiveness, and I give it to God.

I have needed all these reminders today. And I feel confirmed that Al-Anon is a place for me to be again. The first three steps are my prayer:

1. I admit I am powerless over persons, places, and things and that my life has become unmanageable.

2. I believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

3. I make the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God.

Gratitude vs Negative Thinking

My friend DHT told me a story about a therapist receiving a new client who brought in 38 journals. The prospective client said she wanted the counselor to read all these to see how mean her husband had been for the last 38 years--that she'd written down every rotten thing he did or said to her!

This really made me picture how that woman had influenced her worldview-- to look for the bad things about her husband. How different her life would have been (and THEIR life) if she had noticed and listed the GOOD things. What a different lens to look at life through.

When I attended Al-Anon meetings, I remember one of the suggestions was to write an ABC of gratitude. That often distracts one from dismal thoughts. I was reminded of this today when I looked at a post by I Am Chorus about a Bloggable Alphabet.

I know, when I went to Al-Anon, at times I would be so skeptical of the platitudes they espoused that I would dismiss them, and then I'd be unhappier. I know some people feel critical of "silly" things like listing positive things each day or making a gratitude list, too. But I eventually came to accept that there is TRUTH in some of the dorky sounding statements, like "one day at a time." There is truth that helps me to cope and live a better life--like being grateful.

The great medieval mystic, Meister Eckhardt, is noted to have once said, "If the only prayer you ever utter is 'Thank you!', it will be enough."

First Three Steps

There was a long period in my life when I attended several Al-Anon meetings each week. When I was deeply depressed, I prayed the first three steps for several years. I had forgotten about the 12 Steps until today when I was journaling. I seem to be feeling overwhelmed with many bad habits right now, such as overeating, not exercising, not drinking enough water, and blogging too much!

So I remembered another time in my life when I was feeling overwhelmed and how the 12 Steps were a foundation that I hung onto while I was journeying through much angst. The way out sometimes seemed impossible, but the PROCESS with God brought me through. It's the journey not the destination!

Today I've decided that I am going to memorize the first three steps again and pray them throughout the day. This is a way to remind myself of my dependence upon God and is something I need to do right now.

1. I admit I am powerless over my addictions (persons, places, and things) and that my life has become unmanageable.

2. I believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

3. I make the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God.

Faith Story 6--Return to Corpus Christi

The second year we lived in New Jersey, CB was transferred back to Corpus Christi. Oddly, I’d been sent an application to the Walk to Emmaus in Corpus and had applied for a September Walk. Before we moved, I was sent notice that I was on the March Walk to Emmaus, which was when we were moving back. Four days after moving here, I went on that Walk. I did not experience any emotional highs (and even considered that "brainwashing" was going on!). Still, I found Methodism reinforced, and so we joined First United Methodist Church the next week. After this I see that God put me on fast-forward pace of growth in him. Although I left First United Methodist Church several years ago, I will always appreciate how God used that church and its people to nurture me along in my way.

Thanks to the Walk to Emmaus, I met someone who recommended the book, Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth by Richard Foster. How I needed instruction about spiritual praxis! This book is a landmark in my spiritual life, because it taught me about ways to become more aware of the Holy, but even better, Foster’s notes and bibliography pointed me to books to read!! This is where I learned about Thomas Merton, Thomas Kelly, Soren Kierkegaard, Brother Lawrence, and saints of the ages. I really feel blessed to have begun my journey with such an ecumenical spiritual legacy. This kept me reading, especially because I always find new books from looking at the notes in the book I’m currently reading.

Looking back, I can see I was pretty much sleepwalking through life, unaware of many things, including my continued depressive state. Gradually, as my spiritual life increased, so did my inner awareness of anxiety and depression. I attended weekly Al-Anon meetings and saw a counselor, while I spiraled into deeper and deeper problems. I managed to stay afloat by walking six or more miles a day (starting at 4 am) and doing what I was supposed to do. By the time I was walking 12 miles a day and had lost 50 pounds, I was not able to cope anymore. Too many nights I stood in the bathroom with a razor blade at my wrists. I had sunk into depression so much that I thought my four children, even 5 year old MJ, would not miss me if I killed myself. I couldn’t pray, and I didn’t tell anyone about what I was thinking, because then they’d stop me.

An odd thing that I did on my extended walks was recite the first three Al-Anon steps and a prayer by John Donne that I’d found in Celebration of Discipline: “Batter my heart, three personed God—break me, blow me, burn me, make me new.” How I wanted to be God’s. And I don’t think I knew what I was praying for, because that’s what happened to me. I was broken through depression for years, but what happened then saved Chuck’s and my marriage, as well as helped us learn to parent our children. God is making me new, and God brought that prayer to me and guided me in praying it day after day. I can’t pray that prayer of Donne’s now, though God gives me others to pray, like the one in Virgin of Vladimir post, which I pray everyday. The way opens even if we don’t see it at the time.

It was very hard to see the way opening as I struggled with depression and was told to go to the hospital or I’d be committed by my counselor. So in August 1995 I spent five weeks at the Meadows Treatment Center in Arizona.

Avoidance

Although a friend and I committed together to work on projects we've both been avoiding, I still have not done anything. I have seen myself looking at the options of writing/researching and something else like reading and choosing to do the more attractive and indulgent activity, which usually is reading (what I want to). Now I am seeing this friend for lunch on Monday, which is a regular weekly event, so I either work tonight or tomorrow morning! I know it's a surrendering, because once I start, I'll have to keep going. . . .

Another avoidance occurred with someone before church today. I sensed he was going to ignore me, so I ignored him--and then he hugged me! I still pretended I wanted to talk to the person right behind him. I know this is a habitual behavior from my childhood--not to seem needy, not to "bother" the person. This is avoiding the risk of being rejected, but it ends up I diminish my connections with others through my perceptions of their future rejection, which may or may not occur. I'm damning them and myself before anything happens! This is definitely NOT living in the present moment. The good thing about this is I realized the feelings that I acted upon minutes later, so as Fr. David would say, my "teacher" appeared. Thank you, Lord.

Someone once told me that Jesus on the cross shows us how to interact--by spreading our arms open to welcome the other. Such vulnerability is what I desire, but am afraid of. From years of attending Al-Anon meetings, I remember the aphorism--awareness, acceptance, action. (I always think this describes repentance--turning back to God.) Today I've been given awareness, and I think I am beginning to accept that this is a pattern within me, so perhaps the Holy Spirit will help me to act in a different way when I can be aware of those feelings, before I react without thinking. I want to show God's love, but that isn't possible when I am hiding myself from others.

Fr. David preached today about the Widow of Nain, pointing out that the people called the young man raised and speaking "the prophet"! He'd seen the abundance of life beyond death and so had much to say. We are to be prophets each one of us. That's possible if I'm not avoiding people or things. Living into the fullness of myself, wide open arms to welcome the possibility for life, not death, as I fear. Take a risk! Right now, at this moment, God is here loving me, you, all. Let's open our arms, or at least our eyes!