Saturday Stuff

It is warmer than it has been for days and rain is pouring down, as I yawn and think of going to bed. Instead, I will be self-preoccupied and write bullets about the trivia that is occupying me right now:

• MJ is home after a week of visiting friends at Trinity University in San Antonio. She will leave for Spain on Jan. 24.

• CB and I saw "The King's Speech" yesterday. It was excellent. I learned a lot, while being very impressed with Colin Firth's performance as King George VI.
  

• I am voraciously reading mysteries by Charles Todd, all checked out from the public library. These are about Ian Rutledge, a Scotland Yard inspector who suffers from shell-shock from WWI, while trying to do his job investigating murder cases. I really like the Maisie Dobbs mysteries by Jacqueline Winspear, which are about an exceptional woman who served as a nurse in WWI, whose fiance returned from the war so damaged that he did not recognize anyone. It is interesting that these mysteries are connected to WWI.

• I failed in my month-long commitment to blog about "friends" for NaBloPoMo -- mostly because I did not pre-post enough before I went on my silent retreat at Lebh Shomea.

• It is hard to believe that one week ago I was there and only returned home two days ago. After so much time spent in meditation, I am somewhat surprised that I have been captured again by habits of home, etc.
  

• I have not thought of a "word" for 2011 yet. First it seemed like "friends" would be it, but at Lebh Shomea I started pondering the word "stirrings," which will be a future post.

• I saw many wild animals at Lebh Shomea. For the first time I saw a nilgai, which comes originally from India. On one of the trails, I saw a black object far ahead that I wondered about; it was so still, could it be a tree? As I came closer, something black and as big as a horse moved.

Jan. Friends: Forever?

One of the characteristics of being an adult child of an alcoholic is extreme loyalty. It has taken me 50 years to realize that friendships do not always last forever. It is hard for me to acknowledge that.

I finally learned this with two different friends who supported and helped me through my years of depression. When I no longer "needed" them as I had become healthier, they disappeared. It hurt, and I could not understand that for a long time.

Oddly, what helped me accept these situations was an email someone sent me about 15 years ago. Like so many things I learned in Al Anon, much of it sounds like platitudes, BUT there is truth hidden in here:

"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

"When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

"Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

"Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

"What we must realize is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

"When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

"LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. "

Author Unknown (found here)

Jan. Friends: Walking

I have two regular walking friends, whom I have walked with for over a decade. I will not be walking with them this weekend because I am at Lebh Shomea. (I just pre-posted some messages about friends so I could fulfill my commitment to nablopomo.com.)

My Saturday morning walking friend is Debbie, who is a biology high school teacher. This commitment has kept our friendship growing through 12+ years because we rarely miss a Saturday walk. We meet in the mall and walk for about an hour, which is one of the few times I am ever at the shopping center. We share about our lives, family and God as we walk; she guides me, especially about prayer.

The other walking friend is Katherine, who walks with me on Sunday nights. She generously meets me at my house every week and we walk around my neighborhood. We are both introverts, but talk almost constantly as we walk. Katherine is dealing with her elderly mother with Alzheimers and shares honestly about the joys and struggles this involves. I hope one (or more) of my children will regard me as Katherine sees her mother--as a person living as fully as she can, and NOT someone with lots of SYMPTOMS to be treated!

We all share our backgrounds of 12-step wisdom, as well as desires to grow in God in our daily lives.

Jan. Friends: Acceptance

Friendship is always a way of accepting others for whom they are. However, I am not always as welcoming to myself as I am with others. Having grown up in an alcoholic home, I was raised with unwritten laws of (1) do not talk; (2) do not feel; and (3) do not trust. These "rules" continue to affect me in my life, though I am growing out of them to some degree.

Unfortunately, during times of stress, I revert to old patterns and inevitably judge myself harshly. I am aware that I did this during our Christmas-time with all our children home: when things seemed to be rocky or not idyllic, I periodically would assume it was MY fault. But how can I be in charge of everyone else? Forgetting that the only person I can change is myself, I expected that I could make everyone happy! When that failed to materialize, I took on the blame or responsibility.

This is old, old behavior. So my family and visitors were teaching me lessons I needed to learn (and re-learn)--that feelings arise and disappear and are NOT who I am (or who anyone else is). I am NOT my feelings! I am beloved as I am, not in the future or the past--just as each person is.

What is necessary:

ACCEPT--ALLOW--RESPECT!

Jan. Friends: Cats

Jan. Friends: Silence

I am looking forward to going on retreat to silent Lebh Shomea in Sarita, TX. I will drive there on Friday (from Corpus Christi).

Jan. Friends: Books!

Ever since I learned to read in first grade, books have been my friends. I was thrilled to read the red, blue, etc. fairy tale books because I was better reader than most. . . . So writing about books as friends is a way to bring out the books I've read since Christmas and what I'm currently reading.
The first book I read after Christmas was a fun mystery that I read in a couple days: The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley. The heroine is 11-year-old Flavia in 1950 England; she is a genius young chemist who adores poisons. Literary allusions abound, and it is an enjoyable read. This is the first in an upcoming series, which will have new volumes released this spring.
The thick book I have almost finished reading is The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer by Siddhartha Mukherjee. It is not morbid at all and is a historical writing about cancer, with stories interspersed. The author is an oncologist and an excellent writer. It is amazing to see how human knowledge and consciousness grew over the centuries. Since my husband and two daughters were/are trained as chemists, I liked learning that the first chemists concentrated on making dyes, rather than relying on the limited vegetable dyes most people used. I am not a scientist and I have avidly read 400+ pages (though not as quickly as the first book mentioned here).
MJ loaned me a book she read at school, which is by a San Antonio writer--The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros. It is full of evocative vignettes of her life growing up in Latina poverty in Chicago and as a wanna-be writer, misunderstood by her father (until she was successful). Although this is the 25th anniversary edition of the book, I had never heard of it (or the author) before, which seems ridiculous living so close to San Antonio.

Amazon.com keeps recommending mysteries by Charles Todd (a mother/son writing team), which feature Inspector Ian Rutledge. I plan to find these at my local library.

My friend Judy (one of my telephone friends) told me yesterday that she loves the author Carol Shields and is re-reading her novel Unless. So "Todd" and "Shields" are authors to look for at the library. . . possible new friends!

And an old friend coming up is The Case for God by Karen Armstong. I will be re-reading it with the Wisdom Class, the book study I facilitate on Tuesday mornings. This will start up again on January 18, after I return from my retreat at Lebh Shomea.

Jan. Friends: Telephone

Remember playing with tin cans as phones when we were kids? I doubt that anyone does that anymore.

I have three telephone friends, which is paradoxical as I don't like to make phone calls. These three friends and I have scheduled times to call each week; though we sometimes miss times, we always come back to calling.

That happened today with my friend Judy, who used to live here in Corpus Christi and now lives in Fort Worth. When she moved there, we committed to calling each other once a week. One week I would call, and the next week she called. This was new for both of us, since neither of us were phone callers. But it worked and kept us together as spiritual friends.

A few years ago my best friend from junior high Nancy and I started calling each other on Sunday evenings. She is a school teacher in California and so this time works out best for her. I'll have to write about her someday because we became friends in 7th grade while our parents were stationed at Yokosuka Naval Base in Japan.

I am not as consistent with my other telephone friend, Nance. I was much more regular about calling her on my early morning drives to San Antonio starting in 2000 when I was going to Oblate School of Theology for classes. In the past few years, I have not been as regular as I once was.

I have lost touch with other friends here in Corpus Christi, since I do not call them. I guess I need more accountability, which comes from making weekly appointments (for me). It hasn't worked when friends and I have semi-agreed to call once a month--we fizzle out.

Jan. Friends: Best

Since the topic for January at nablopomo.com (National Blog Posting Month) is "Friends," I decided to sign up and participate. This means that for every day in January I am to blog about friends, which may be a little tricky if I spend a week on retreat where I will have no access to computers. I'll just have to plan ahead!

Growing up as an only child and also a military brat who moved every few years, friends have always been very important to me. Tossed into the above mix, I was/am an introvert. That is probably why I had a best friend throughout elementary school and junior high.

The last time I had a best friend was when my children were young. Lisa and I met at a La Leche League meeting when we were pregnant with our first children way back in 1979. We grew into motherhood together and both became La Leche League Leaders. She and I will always be friends, but probably never in daily connection as we were for the first 15 years (1/2 his lifetime) of DC's life. Lisa teaches special ed at a nearby elementary school, so we try to meet once a month for dinner.

She is the closest person in Corpus Christi to my children and me and is more like an "aunt" to them. Of course, she came over to see them all and to meet Avery on December 23. (I also dearly love her three children.)

Lisa and Avery