Prays Well With Others

I post this on Facebook a few days ago. When I encountered a friend I rarely see, the father of one of my oldest child's friends, he called me a "heretic" for posting this. He walked away when another friend I said God is bigger than the names we give Him.

Say not, "I have found the one true path of the Spirit!"

Say rather, "I have wonderfully met the Spirit walking on my path."

For the spirit walks upon all paths.

~Kahlil Gibran

(Richard Rohr adapted this from Kahil Gibran, The Prophet (New York: Alfred a Knopf, 1923), p. 55 in Rohr's book Eager to Love: The Alternative Way of Francis of Assisi.)

Big Changes

"Sometimes God's love is experienced not only as peaceful creativeness, but as violent breakthrough, overcoming blockages and bringing to birth new realities."

Vacek, Edward Collins. Love, Human and Divine: The Heart of Christian Ethics. Washington, D.C.: Georgetown University Press, 1994. 59.

Chuck and I had a "violent breakthrough" in our lives in the last few weeks when I decided that I would sell my parents' house in Bellingham, WA. I have owned it since my father died in 2002 and renters have been in it off and on since then.

Once a drug dealer was renting it, which we only learned much later when the next door neighbor (who is a police officer) informed us of strange activities, and we had to evict him. Since it was built in 1951, it has recently developed major problems with its infrastructure, which we have tried to mend.

After the decision to sell, things moved more quickly than anyone could ever imagine, because someone bid on the house less than 24 hours after it was listed. There wasn't even a "for sale" sign in the front yard yet.

It turns out that the buyer had been looking for a new house to move into for 3-4 months. When she saw the house and the backyard, she was in love with it all. I was greatly touched that she could see the remnants of my mother's gardens (including a Japanese garden), which were left when she died in 1992. It seemed like the buyer would love this property, which had been sorely lacking in the last 11 years.

Selling the house means we won't move there from Texas. Chuck and I had had half-baked dreams of living there in the summers and the rest of the year in Corpus Christi, TX. That never materialized because a house should not be empty for so many months, and it didn't seem possible to rent it for just a specified number of months rather than years.

I did not realize the burden the house had been for me until it sold. Suddenly, I felt a big weight lifted from my shoulders--something I had not even been aware of.

It also opened up possibilities for Chuck and me that did not appear to us previously--buying a condo with a water view! A condo could be left more safely for months at a time.



We feel movement and possibilities in the future, while we have felt stuck for years.

My Dog, My Teacher

This is Baillie, our 17 year old blind and deaf cocker spaniel, although this picture was taken a year ago after she was groomed.

A couple weeks ago in our weekly Lectio Divina group, I had an insight about Baillie that is teaching me more about God and how to live.

The scripture we meditated upon was John16: 12-13:

16:12 "I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now.

16:13 When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth; for he will not speak on his own, but will speak whatever he hears, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.

After sitting with this, the images that came to me were our two cocker spaniels. Both went blind and deaf as they aged. The first one was Bagel, whom we got a few months before our first child was born in 1979. About ten years later, she reached a point where she could not bear her life as a blind and deaf dog. She would sit in the kitchen, not moving, and crying. She was too afraid to move. Soon after that, she was put to sleep.

In contrast, Baillie is 17 and bumbles around. She sometimes circles and almost always bumps into things. She forgets to go outside, and we have to guide her out there. Sometimes Baillie startles when we touch her, but she never snaps or growls. She doesn't cry and does not act unhappy. She still goes outside and goes around the house, bumping into walls and furniture. Baillie has been been able to bear disabilities that Bagel could not, which does not diminish how wonderful a dog Bagel was. Somehow Baillie senses that she is safe and will be guided, even though she cannot see or hear.

I am seeing that Baillie is showing me that she feels safe and that she will be guided in her dark and silent life. She trusts that things will be okay. She shows me that I am safe in this life, with God always with me. Even if I cannot see what is ahead, if I take the steps toward the seeming "next" thing, I am safe. Trusting God's presence will always be with me in whatever I do or however I am is my lifework. Baillie is my example, as I must remember that Bagel also teaches me that there is no condemnation about what I cannot bear or what I cannot do.

As Julian of Norwich said, "All shall be well, all shall be well, all manner of things shall be well."

God, The Great Allower

After reading my cousin's questions for God on his blog, Me and Leuk, I had to look up the pages in Richard Rohr's newest book Immortal Diamond about "The Great Allower." These words make a lot of sense to me.

"In this regard, God is the Great Allower, despite all the attempts of ego, culture, and even religion to prevent God from allowing. Show me where God does not allow. God lets women be raped and raped women to conceive, God lets tyrants succeed, and God let me make my own mistakes again and again. He does not enforce his own commandments. God's total allowing of everything has in fact become humanity's major complaint. Conservatives so want God to smite sinners that they find every natural disaster to be a proof of just that, and then they invent some of their own smiting besides. Liberals reject God because God allows holocausts and torture and does not fit inside their seeming logic. If we were truly being honest, God is both a scandal and a supreme disappointment to most of us. We would prefer a God of domination and control to a God of allowing, as most official prayers make clear.

"Both God and the True Self need only to fully be themselves and generously show themselves. Then the major work is done. I would go so far as to define God as a 'deep allowing' to the point of scandalous 'cooperation with evil' both natural disasters and human evils. To allow yourself to be grabbed and held by such a divine wholeness is a dark and dangerous risk, and yet this is exactly what we mean by 'salvation.' We are allowing the Great Allower to allow us, even at our worst. We gradually learn to share in the divine freedom and must forgive God for being far too generous. This is not my 'liberal' idea; Jesus says the same thing (see Matthew 20:15), but we cannot hear it for some reason." (18-20)

Perhaps it is easier for me to say God is not "all powerful", though I believe Richard Rohr is saying here that God is so powerful that he gives it up to let us live however we choose. We may decide to believe God does not care or has no power or . . . . .any numbers of questions, as my cousin asked.

My simplistic faith is to try to remember to ask "WHO is with me? instead of "WHY?" The first is the only question that can be answered. God is with me. Even (and most especially) when I do not feel that God is here, GOD IS.

"Christianity After Religion"

The weekly Wisdom Class book study group at my church is halfway done with Christianity After Religion: The End of Church and the Birth of a New Spiritual Awakening by Diana Butler Bass. This week we discussed the fourth chapter which is simply entitled "Believing."

Bass chronicles the change in society's perception of the meaning of "belief" especially for Christianity--from relationship with Christ in early Christianity to relationship with God to the more modern rational belief/opinion. ("When people use the word 'believe' today, it is often for factually erroneous opinions, disconnected from any aspect of interpersonal trust or love." 119)

"Thus, in early English, to 'believe' was to 'belove' something or someone as an act of trust or loyalty. Belief was not an intellectual opinion. . . . . Indeed, in early English usage, you could not hold, claim or possess a belief about God, but you could cherish, love, trust in, or devote yourself to God." (117).

"From an ancient perspective--whether of Latin or Greek, of the creeds or the Christian scriptures--the words 'belief' and 'believing' implicitly carried within them relational and lived dimensions. Accordingly, you cannot 'believe' distinct from trust, loyalty, and love." (119)

It took me many years to trust that experiences of peace/love could be interpreted as from God, because in my early faith years, I thought I was supposed  to believe certain statements, even though some did not seem right within me. Prayer, study, and worship over the years have brought me to trust more in my perception of God, also validated and nurtured by community. Trusting that I do not have to KNOW all the answers helps, especially to questions about "WHY?" If I can remember, it matters more to me to ask myself, "WHO is with me?" Just as Bass writes, "Prayer transforms religion, doctrine, and dogma into vital spirituality" (130).

Next week's chapter is on "Behaving." The quality of one's life shows what one believes--or what one holds dear.

I Believe This

from Naked Pastor David Hayward

Hell

I believe that we make our own Heaven or Hell for ourselves here on earth. To have faith long ago, I had to give up the idea of the reward of Heaven or punishment of Hell, because I kept second-guessing myself, asking: "Do I believe only for the promised end?"

I was helped greatly by Father Kelly Nemeck, founder of Lebh Shomea, House of Prayer, retreat center in Sarita, TX, who spoke once about Hell in 2000. He said he did not believe in Hell, but even if it does exist in physical space, it is empty! Father Kelly is a contemplative, a spiritual director, an author of many books, and someone I admire greatly.

In classes at Oblate School of Theology, I learned that some scholars believe that Jesus referred to Gehenna for the place we interpret as "Hell." Gehenna was the garbage dump for ancient Jerusalem; the refuse was constantly burning. Poor people lived around the areas, trying to find means to live.

I have friends who fear the prospect of Hell. And so I was struck by Ken Wilber's words in his book about his wife's cancer and eventual death, Grace and Grit: Spirituality and Healing in the Life and Death of Treya Killam Wilber:

(this is a conversation between Treya and Ken)

Treya: "And you're saying that not just the eastern mystics but also the Western mystics actually define sin and Hell as being due to the separate self?"

Ken: "The separate self and its loveless grasping, desiring, avoiding--yes, definitely. It's true that the equation of Hell or samsara with the separate self is strongly emphasized in the East, particularly in Hinduism and Buddhism. But you find an essentially similar theme in the writings of the Catholic, Gnostic, Quaker, Kabbalistic, and Islamic mystics. My favorite is from the remarkable William Law, an 18th-century Christian mystic from England; I'll read it to you:

'See here the whole truth in short. All sin, death, damnation, and hell is nothing else but this kingdom of self, or the various operations of self-love, self-esteem, and self-seeking which separate the soul from God and end in eternal death and hell.'
~~William Law

"Or remember the great Islamic mystic Jalaluddin Rumi's famous saying:

'If you have not seen the devil, look at your own self.'
~~Rumi

"Or the Sufi Abi 'l-Khayr:

'There is no Hell but selfhood, no Paradise but selflessness.'
~~Abi 'l-Khayr

"This is also behind the Christians mystics' assertion that, as the Theologia Germanica put it, nothing burns in Hell but self-will." (85-86)

The Question

Too often I get stumped with the question, "WHY is this happening??" WHY do I have RA?

(WHY not?)

INSTEAD, for peace of mind, I must change the question to

WHO IS WITH ME?

Or even WHAT is with me?

God/Love is with me, always and forever.

When I am stuck on the WHY question, I forget that and only look at me in a grandiose and/or pitiful way. That certainly narrows my viewpoint and constricts my heart.

God/Love is with me (and you), always and forever.

Friday Five: Memories of Discoveries

By Austin Kleon of Austin, TX

Dorcas brought today's Friday Five for RevGalBlogPals:

Share with us today about five memorable moments of insight, discovery, awareness--from childhood or later, something you experienced or something you shared with someone else.

1. Reading: I remember being in first grade, standing in front of the room, feeling terrified that I did not know how to spell "jump." But I tried to write it on the board, and did!! I also remember my first reading word in a big Sally, Dick and Jane book: "LOOK." So exciting to be able to read!

2. Blogging: In May 2006, I was surprised to find a friend I had lost touch with had a blog--Katherine at Meaning and Authenticity. Until then, I had not known of or entered into the blogging world of the internet. This was a discovery and ensuing experience that brought new friends far and wide into my world. It has opened me to new ideas, self-reflection and knowledge, plus laughter, sadness, and connection. AND Katherine brought me into RevGalBlogPals!

3. Babies: Having a first grandbaby, Avery, is showing me how much and how quickly a baby learns about life--in a more leisurely fashion than with my own four children. Every baby/child is a miracle!

Avery, 6 months old

4. God's Love: An experience that stays with me was the overwhelming Love that washed over me during an Easter service in 1999 when I was continuing to struggle with depression and suicidal ideation. The story is here. That assurance is in me and always will be.

5. Risks: I especially recall my second child, AE, being in kindergarten. For the Christmas program, her teacher taught her to play a song on the autoharp or zither. AE was frightened, and if her teacher had not insisted, I would have let her quit. Instead, she played in front of all those families and did so well! I am so glad I did not instill more fear in her. We both learned to accept challenges more readily than the fear of failure.

Struggle of Prayer

The Wisdom Class is almost finished reading Karen Armstrong's The Case for God. Yesterday we discussed a story related there about the Holocaust, which is staying with me:

"Another Auschwitz story. . . . Even in the camps, some of the inmates continued to study the Torah and to observe the festivals, not in the hope of placating an angry deity but because they found, by experience, that these rituals helped them to endure the horror.

"One day a group of Jews decided to put God on trial. In the face of such inconceivable suffering, they found the conventional arguments utterly unconvincing. If God was omnipotent, he could have prevented the Shoah; if he could not stop it, he was impotent; and if he could have stopped it but chose not to, he was a monster. They condemned God to death. The presiding rabbi announced the verdict, then went on calmly to announce that it was time for the evening prayer.

"Ideas about God come and go, but prayer, the struggle to find meaning even in the darkest circumstances, must continue."

Armstrong, Karen. The Case for God. NY: Alfred A. Knopf, 2009. 278.

I cannot explain or understand the suffering and pain in the world. Prayer is my answer to keep me realizing/knowing that God undergirds it all, somehow, some way. Prayer, worship, community support and remind of the Love that connects us all. It is my task to continue, despite suffering, disillusionment, ennui.

Belief is like a Pair of Sunglasses

After posting a political cartoon on both Facebook and this blog today, I am realizing belatedly that I did not see it as it was probably intended. This was not just an oversight, but a way of seeing that is intrinsically mine. Although I am not always able to feel this, I believe that alive or "dead" in our physical bodies means LIFE in God. Death is return to God and is welcome, just as life in the present world is. All day I kept thinking "neither death nor life separates us from God," and now here is that phrase in its Biblical context:

Romans 8:38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Since I deleted the cartoon on both those sites, I will put it back here to explain my mistake in its interpretation:
I originally posted it because I thought it showed that whether alive or dead, we live in God. Although I personally would not have had an abortion, I feel like they should be available; I have wondered before why people who believe in eternal life demonstrated by the risen Christ could not understand that aborted beings return to God. So, mistakenly, I thought this cartoon illustrated that.

From numerous FB comments, most especially from my two daughters in Seattle, I was forced to see that I did not understand the intent of the cartoonist. Not until one of those daughters told me that the woman was "smug" and the baby was "sad," did I even notice that!

This is showing me how we (I) interpret events (anything and everything) through lenses of belief. I did not realize until now how easy that is to do, without regard for the other viewpoint. I never even considered that that cartoon might be construed as criticism of Planned Parenthood (which I heartily endorse) or abortion. And now I feel stupid!

Serendipitously, the Wisdom Class meditation for yesterday describes what happened:

"What we believe about ourselves can hold us hostage. Over the years I have come to respect the power of people's beliefs. The thing that has amazed me is that a belief is more than just an idea--it seems to shift the way in which we actually experience ourselves and our lives. According to Talmudic teaching, "We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are." A belief is like a pair of sunglasses. When we wear a belief and look at life through it, it is difficult to convince ourselves that what we see is not real. . . . Sometimes because of our beliefs we may have never seen ourselves or life whole before. No matter. We can recognize life anyway. Our life force may not require us to strengthen it. We often just need to free it where it has gotten trapped in beliefs, attitudes, judgment, and shame."

-- Rachel Naomi Remen

I am grateful for new awarenesses revealed so that I may learn.

Yearning

I think I entitled my blog "Yearning for God," because of the longing I have felt in my heart off and on for years--the desire to know God. Sometimes this has been felt as a physical yearning, which I now realize was my heart center always pulling me within, though I did not know what it meant for years.

Since my mother's death in 1992, I sought God--mostly through books, attending church and some prayer. This journey is described in my Faith Story. However, it is only in the past two years that I learned that the location of the longing is my heart center.

Thanks to the Rev. Sandy Casey-Martus coming to All Saints Episcopal Church, I learned how to meditate through the practice of Christ Centered Prayer. Synchronistically, I marked her beginning at All Saints at a retreat and ended her tenure there with another retreat with her this past weekend. Yesterday was Sandy's last day as rector at All Saints.

Due to her departure, Mary and I will be leading the two regularly-scheduled Christ Centered Prayer classes/groups on Monday evenings and Thursdays at noon. Tonight was the first time I was in charge; there were five of us, all of whom had attended the recent retreat. I am pleased to report that the Spirit confirmed the Divine Presence during our meditation time together.

One of the topics we discussed after praying was "Longing." From Sandy and Carla's book The Lessons:

"Longing is the inner yearning for that which you are. It is the longing within your heart to know the mystery of God."

Reading this tonight reminded me of all the times I felt that yearning within me. I am grateful that the teacher appeared when I needed one, so that I learned to practice and be committed to the practice of Christ Centered Prayer, which is somewhat similar to Centering Prayer but with no word or mantra.

"Longing prompts you to seek, investigate, ponder, and walk a spiritual path.

"It is an unidentified longing that may turn you in the direction of your inner reality with the help of the Christ Centered Prayer practice."

Casey-Martus, Sandy and Mancari, Carla. The Lessons: How to Understand Spiritual Principles, Spiritual Activities, and Rising Emotions. Tucson: Wheatmark, 2008. 128.

Thanksgiving

Sanctuary, All Saints Episcopal Church
Corpus Christi, TX

I am grateful that I rejoined the Episcopal Church some years ago; though I didn't really "rejoin" because I "re-activated" my membership. The Methodist Church was a good beginning for my faith renewal in the 1990's; it is also where I learned what a community meant. It was the first place I knew people prayed for me and wanted me around.

However, yesterday I attended a funeral there for an elderly lady (Annelle) in the Conley-Wesley class, which no longer exists. The Conley-Wesley class started out in the early 20th Century as a large group (100+) of women. By the time I started teaching Sunday School classes there in the mid-90's, there could be 20 older women attending. As time went on ladies died, moved away, or were too ill to come. When the class closed about seven years ago, there were only two elderly women left, one of whom died this past week. I still taught every two months of each year until the demise of the class, which occurred about a year before I moved back to the Episcopal Church.

After the funeral, someone asked me if I was still going to "that" Episcopal Church. When I affirmed that, telling her that three of our four children had been baptized there in the 1980's, she then asked disapprovingly, "Isn't that church liberal?" Yes, it is!

I am grateful for the accepting, open-minded, and friendly people at All Saints Episcopal Church. The choir and liturgy on Sundays create a holy atmosphere. Today we are having one service, followed by a pot-luck. There is macaroni and cheese baking in my oven as I write this. (I wonder if people will like homemade macaroni and cheese, instead of the boxed variety.) Just as I once found a home at First United Methodist Church, I am grateful to be in the All Saints family now.

Friday Five: Verses

At RevGalBlogPals, Songbird suggests:
For today's Friday Five, list your five favorite passages/verses from the Bible and tell us something about why you love them.

1. He has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? (Micah 6:8)

This verse was first emphasized for me on a Walk to Emmaus that my (walking) friend Katherine led about 14 years ago. I believe this is a rule of life for all people, which is also represented in the first three steps (of the Twelve Steps) of Al-Anon:

1. We admitted we were powerless over people, places, and things (alcohol)--that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him/Her.

2. Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)
I am newly aware of the Presence of God in the practice of meditation--NOT all the time, but in the effects I see in my life. In stillness and quietness, waiting is the way for faith to grow.

3. God is Light. (1 John 1:5)
I like short verses I can repeat (and remember)! This reminds me that nature shows the Holiness of Life. The metaphor of "light in darkness" means a lot to me, especially when I remember my struggles with depression.

For a long time in depression, I did not feel or know God was with me, but eventually I did--as a "light in the darkness." This continues to be a lesson to me to keep going in faith, even when I doubt and forget, because I remember the hope I found in despair.

4. . . .my soul is like the weaned child that is with me. (Psalm 131:2b: all of Ps. 131)
I've always loved this Psalm 131, mostly because of the image of the weaned child. I remember holding my babies and toddlers when they had finished nursing and how sweet that was. It is comforting to think of that.

A minister once told me that she had a professor in seminary who advised his students to repeat Psalm 131 every day, which would result in growth in humility (see #1).

5. For though we have never yet seen God, when we love each other, God lives in us and his love within us grows ever stronger. (1 John 4:12)
I believe this.

A friend recently told me about her 95 year old mother who has Alzheimers. When asked if her mother remembers her, Gloria paused and then said, "She knows I love her and she knows she loves me, even though she does not always remember my name." That's what love is.

The Best Season of Life

My friend Mary Jane sent me this card for my birthday. It is a perfect expression of how I feel about turning 60 years old.

Last week I was reading in the Gospel of John and was surprised by a rarely-noticed (by me) verse in the story of Jesus turning the water into wine at the wedding at Cana (John 2:1-12):

Then he called the bridegroom aside ¹⁰and said, "Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now."

With this landmark birthday approaching, I noticed the latter part of verse 10: "you saved the best till now." That perfectly describes how each successive decade has been for me: life keeps getting better. It seemed "old" to turn half-a-century ten years ago, but my 50's have been happier and happier. Now that I'm even older, I am anticipating that my 60's will be, too.

My faith in God and meditating have helped me to realize more of the abundance in my daily life, especially in my family and friends. I am such a blessed person; today I am grateful to know this as truth.

Meditation Lessens Shyness

The above picture shows how I usually feel at large gatherings, social occasions, and/or parties. I am usually the one who feels left out, thus showing others that I do not want to be with them. . . .not that I usually realize that at the time! I am an introvert; I am shy.

Because of my tendency to feel shy when I am in new situations, I was worried about my cousin Margaret's 80th birthday party in Calgary this past Saturday. I thought that I might fall back into myself and simply endure the time with all the people celebrating Margaret.

However, I forgot about myself and had a wonderful time. I helped Margaret's children set up first in the church auditorium and then looked for solitary people and introduced myself: "I am Jan, Margaret's cousin from Texas." That broke the ice and each person was warm and friendly.

This was a radical departure from the wedding I went to last summer for Margaret's daughter Kathy in Banff. I was glad to leave early because I knew so few people and escaped to the hotel as soon as I could!

I think the big difference in me since then is the consistent twice-daily practice of Christ-Centered Prayer. Before that wedding, I was sporadically meditating, but I newly committed around that time to pray twice a day, every day. Meditating is bringing greater peace to my life, plus less awareness of ME-me-me.

It's obvious that we are called to be kind to others and not selfishly focused on oneself, but my shyness has usually revolved around me not feeling good enough, not enough for people to want to talk with me. Then I would hide and withdraw, thus again indicating I am not interested in talking to anyone.

I am really grateful that I could wholeheartedly celebrate with Margaret, her family and friends on her 80th birthday! Thanks to God, I did not keep looking at myself but looked at each person as special (holy).

Margaret laughing after she blew out the candles on her birthday cake.

Fear

When I suffered from clinical depression for years in the 1990s, I also was afflicted with anxiety, sometimes even panic attacks. At the time I thought all this was caused by me not having enough faith and maybe because I did not pray "right." How much I needed to learn!

Only in hindsight do I see how God worked through all this time to grow my faith, my marriage and my family relationships. As Martin Laird writes in his book Into the Silent Land:

"Certainly there is deep conversion, healing, and unspeakable wholeness to be discovered along the contemplative path. The paradox, however, is that this healing is revealed when we discover that our wound and the wound of God are one wound." (118)

This is true, even though I did not venture on the "contemplative path" until this new century. Since 1995, I keep encountering "deep conversion, healing, and unspeakable wholeness" continuing to reveal themselves in me. All this confirms my favorite quote (which loosely is) "The closer you come to God, the closer you come to your true self" by Thomas Merton.

"From Victim to Witness: Practicing with Affliction," the sixth chapter in Laird's book gives three different stories of people who journeyed through fear, pain and addiction to discover each (person) was not the drama but had been caught into the morass of feelings and thoughts surrounding the object of emotion, pain or addiction. It is like the mountain not identifying with its weather conditions, as described in this post.

Here is Laird's example about fear:

"Laura's transforming encounter with fear reveals not the disappearance of fear but the disappearance of struggling with fear. Fear remains present, but she is not afraid of fear. The struggle with any afflictive thought or feeling is the result of the noisy chatter of the mind. This chattering, commenting mind turns the simple experience of any thought or feeling into an experience of grasping or fleeing. When this mental chatter is brought to stillness, the struggle relaxes and the nature of fear is seen to be different from what we previously thought. As (Meister) Eckhart put it, 'what was previously an obstacle to you is now a great help.' Fear as affliction is transformed into fear as vehicle of Presence." (102-103)

(Remember that the word "fear" can be substituted with "any afflictive thought or feeling" such as anger, jealousy, addiction, inadequacy, etc.)

Meditation or contemplative prayer consistently practiced will help us greatly.

Laird, Martin. Into the Silent Land: A Guide to the Christian Practice of Contemplation. Oxford: University Press, 2006.

Questioning, looking, wondering

I always enjoy Sherry's thoughts at A Feather Adrift, especially when she puts interesting links to go along with her remarks. Today I have been following her referrals, as well as others, so I am going to put some of them here for you to look at, too.

Frank Rich of the New York Times has a good piece entitled "Two Weddings, a Divorce, and Glee." That's where I learned that Elton John sang at Rush Limbaugh's fourth wedding (for $1 million), which is probably not news to you but surprised me. The article discusses and gives examples of marriage and the inequity for same-sex couples, and highlighting:

"That’s why the most significant marital event of June 2010 is the one taking place in San Francisco this Wednesday, when a Federal District Court judge is scheduled to hear the closing arguments in Perry v. Schwarzenegger, the landmark case challenging Proposition 8, California’s same-sex marriage ban. A verdict will soon follow, setting off an appeals process that is likely to land in the Supreme Court, possibly by the 2011-12 term." (Frank Rich from above article)

Mompriest at Seeking Authentic Voice gives us a beautiful quote by Francis de Sales about how to live. She got it from Tripp, which got me to look at his blog and find this video about atheists' feelings, beliefs, and difficulties, which probably describe my two oldest daughters' feelings:



I think the comments made by those people in the video are valid. I've wondered some of those same things. However, for myself, I continued to seek and question, reaching a faith in the Mystery of God, which translates into Love and energy. Contemplative prayer has brought me to a stronger belief in the Presence, which is not magical but is eternal and is Life. And all I can say is that I am happier believing than not, and that my life and our married life (which my husband agrees) is much better than in years past. I am grateful.

The perceptions shared in the video made me think of the book I am currently reading A Case for God by Karen Armstrong. The author is going through history showing how humanity experiences a powerful inner experience through practices and living which might be described as "mystical," but which eventually degenerate into stilted and unreflective ways of acting, which evoke little. This cycle seems to continue over and over through time, which corresponds to what some are currently calling the "emerging church"--a paradigm shift as described by Phyllis Tickle and others.

Sherry's links today range from a wacky experiment with three psychotic patients who believed they were each Jesus Christ to 10 things the Right Wing of the USA are worried about.

Deepening Realization

I was fortunate to attend a short contemplative prayer retreat out at Mustang Island Retreat Center this past weekend. We spent three hours a day in prayer and three hours a day in class, being taught from the book The Lessons: How to Understand Spiritual Principles, Spiritual Activities, and Rising Emotions by its authors Sandy Casey-Martus and Carla R. Mancari. It was much like the retreat I described here. (You may recall that the Reverend Sandy Casey-Martus is the priest of All Saints Episcopal Church here in Corpus Christi.)

There were 21 people in attendance, some from different churches and locales. Two people who attended the retreat linked above were there. Friends from All Saints and my lectio divina group also attended. I met an older woman who lives in Austin, who surprisingly grew up in Lynden, WA where my mother lived after she was seven years old.

One of the topics discussed was realization: A realization stays with you, as it helps you realize your Godly nature of love. Experiences and insights will come and go, fading from memory--but not realizations. A realization marks a moment of clarity and insight that causes one to change something about one's life or attitude. What is more, understanding takes time to develop. That reminds me of how many years it took Julian of Norwich to write with more understanding about the visions of Jesus Christ that she experienced on her supposed deathbed. It took Paul ten years to integrate his experience on the road to Damascus.

"Realizations and enlightenments require time to expand and deepen. For this reason, wisdom may seem to lag behind a realization and often does. Wisdom comes naturally from within awareness in due time." (78)

An expansion of a a major realization of my life occurred this weekend. When I was still depressed and spending too much time on suicidal ideation in 1999, I was blessed with an indescribable flooding of God's love, which I understood to mean that I would never kill myself. That realization changed my life in that I knew I would never sink into such depression again. And I progressively grew healthier.

11 years later I suddenly realized that I needed that interpretation for the past decade, but that it also has a fuller meaning: God infinitely loves and exists and I (and humanity) will always be in the Divine with no end. I believe that this understanding came from my practice of sitting in Christ-Centered Prayer twice a day since January 2009.

"It is in God-awareness that you live, move and have your being. You are the heart, mind, intellect, and voice of an individual expression of the Father/Christ Consciousness on this earth." (78)

(The quotes are from Best-Kept Secret by Sandra Casey-Martus and Carla Mancari. This describes Christ-Centered Prayer in a more narrative form than The Lessons, which is more of a workbook and teaching aid to the prayer.)

I am glad I was at the retreat, which ended this morning so there was time to go to church with MJ and CB. (MJ drove back to San Antonio this afternoon. She starts working for one of the Trinity University professors tomorrow--doing chemistry research.)

Lost in a Labyrinth

Sometimes I have felt lost walking on a labyrinth, but the knowledge that I will reach the center is reassuring. There is a beautiful labyrinth made with different kinds of wood at my church All Saints Episcopal Church in Corpus Christi, TX.

All Saints Labyrinth

On Tuesday I walked with my EFM class on an outdoors labyrinth that was built by our EFM leader's husband when she was first diagnosed with ALS. I'm sorry I did not take a picture of it, so a description will have to do:

The labyrinth is built around a very old live oak tree in the center. The path is outlined with bricks in the ground, with a wide enough walkway for a walker or possibly a wheelchair. It is next to a river and surrounded by live oak trees with moss hanging down from the branches.

This time the labyrinth was about one-third obscured by weeds. As we traveled, we concentrated on where the path was, sometimes not being able to discern it. Small groups would be following each other, when suddenly one person would turn away. At one point, I felt very confident and was forging ahead to suddenly realize I was LOST! People would appear in different areas and directions, as it was easy to get turned around with the greenery hiding the red bricks.

This was the most mysterious and holy walk I have ever had on a labyrinth. The metaphor of getting lost on the path was graphically portrayed as I could not see the where the path was going in some spots. When I felt confident, I later realized my faith was in myself and not in God, which would develop into me feeling lost. Being so lost but knowing I was still within the labyrinth reminds me that no matter how I am feeling or what I am seeing, I am still in the energy (or love) of God.