Friday Five: Random Thoughts

RevKarla brings today's Friday Five to RevGalBlogPals, which will be fun!

Playing Friday Five was my entree into the World of RevGals.  I remember the first time I played, I felt so welcomed by everyone’s comments.   That was in 2007.   And even though most of my blogging is through writing prayers for the RGBP blog, I can’t imagine my life or my ministry without this community.  I am so, so, so grateful.

So, since I am all weepy and happy thinking about this organization,  I offer you this Random Friday Five:

1.  What are you wearing right now?  (a question from my first FF play.)

TX is transitioning from a short spring to summer, so I am back to wearing sandals, along with light, striped pants from Chico's and a shirt with apples on the fabric, with rolled up sleeves, buttoned by a flap.

An advantage to living in hot and humid Texas is the fact that I can wear sandals almost year-round. My favorite and most comfortable kind are Wolky Jewel sandals, which I have in four different colors. This is the pair I have on today:

2.  What are you having for lunch (or dinner)?  (another question from my first FF play.)

Today is an eating-out day. For lunch, I am meeting my first friend (Lisa) in Corpus Christi from 1979 for lunch at a little restaurant that features salads and sandwiches. We grew up mothering our first three kids* together, but in recent years we only see each other once a month or so. I am looking forward to having a salmon salad with her.

Lisa and baby Avery, Dec. 2010

*Lisa had three children, and I had four. The first three are close in ages and grew up together, almost like cousins. We were initially connected through La Leche League when we were pregnant with our first children.

3.  Share an experience of community that was transformative or precious to you.

I am blessed with various small groups that give me experiences of community and continue to help me grow. One very small group that offers glimpses of the Holy One is the weekly Lectio Divina group that meets at First United Methodist Church.

One week ago three of us had a powerful experience of deep connection while in the Lectio Divina process pondering one long sentence of Paul's in Hebrews Hebrews 12: 1-2:

12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us,

12:2 looking to Jesus the pioneer and perfecter of our faith, who for the sake of the joy that was set before him endured the cross, disregarding its shame, and has taken his seat at the right hand of the throne of God.

I continue to ponder "the sin that clings so closely" which was a totally new aspect of the scripture that I had never noticed (or had avoided) for years. I will not forget this time God blessed us with  felt presence of wordless, deep connection.



4.  Describe your favorite mug or glass.

My current favorite mug is one given by a friend named Pat for Saint Patrick's Day. It is a roundish, Polish-made mug with blue flowers and green shamrocks encircling it.

5.  Give a shout out to a friend or colleague!

 I immediately thought of Katherine of Meaning and Authenticity blog, who brought me into blogging with RevGalBlogPals in 2006 and whom I met at a 2 Year Spiritual Formation Academy in my covenant group. Love to you, Katherine!

My Dog, My Teacher

This is Baillie, our 17 year old blind and deaf cocker spaniel, although this picture was taken a year ago after she was groomed.

A couple weeks ago in our weekly Lectio Divina group, I had an insight about Baillie that is teaching me more about God and how to live.

The scripture we meditated upon was John16: 12-13:

16:12 "I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now.

16:13 When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth; for he will not speak on his own, but will speak whatever he hears, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.

After sitting with this, the images that came to me were our two cocker spaniels. Both went blind and deaf as they aged. The first one was Bagel, whom we got a few months before our first child was born in 1979. About ten years later, she reached a point where she could not bear her life as a blind and deaf dog. She would sit in the kitchen, not moving, and crying. She was too afraid to move. Soon after that, she was put to sleep.

In contrast, Baillie is 17 and bumbles around. She sometimes circles and almost always bumps into things. She forgets to go outside, and we have to guide her out there. Sometimes Baillie startles when we touch her, but she never snaps or growls. She doesn't cry and does not act unhappy. She still goes outside and goes around the house, bumping into walls and furniture. Baillie has been been able to bear disabilities that Bagel could not, which does not diminish how wonderful a dog Bagel was. Somehow Baillie senses that she is safe and will be guided, even though she cannot see or hear.

I am seeing that Baillie is showing me that she feels safe and that she will be guided in her dark and silent life. She trusts that things will be okay. She shows me that I am safe in this life, with God always with me. Even if I cannot see what is ahead, if I take the steps toward the seeming "next" thing, I am safe. Trusting God's presence will always be with me in whatever I do or however I am is my lifework. Baillie is my example, as I must remember that Bagel also teaches me that there is no condemnation about what I cannot bear or what I cannot do.

As Julian of Norwich said, "All shall be well, all shall be well, all manner of things shall be well."

Friday Five: Lazy Lay Version

Rev. Pat Raube brings us this Friday Five for RevGalBlogPals.

This Friday Five is pretty simple--for ministers! In contrast, I was a much lazier lay person and so my perspective is different.

1. What, if anything, are you doing to take your Easter season sabbath? Family? Vacation? Study Leave? Some combination of all three?

I am appreciating the probable LAST cold front that will reach Corpus Christi, TX. It is heavenly to wake up to the 50 degrees F. and have the sun shining us into the 70s. This is like a Bellingham summer, where Chuck and I grew up in WA State. Unfortunately, soon TX SUMMER will be here--next week!

2. What is your favorite Easter season sabbath of all time?
Probably having my family with me for Easter, but it will still be the Easter season next weekend when we visit Houston for one night to see third son BJ and his girls friend and also go to Austin to see oldest son DC, wife AA and adorable Avery!

3. If you're not taking an Easter season sabbath, what is drawing your attention as the Revised Common Lectionary bids us bide awhile with Thomas and gang? Is there a Holy Hilarity service in your future?
Our lectio divina meditation this week was John 20:19-20 and I was struck by the image of the frightened and overwhelmed disciples huddling in a locked room. Despite the locks, Jesus appears, which reminds me that God cannot be locked out, no matter how the situation appears.

4. What would be your ideal Easter season sabbath? If you could go anywhere, do anything, with anybody?
Staying at the beach.

5. Tell the truth now: Any Easter candy left?
Thankfully, no. The most pronounced remnants after Easter were cookies I made for Easter Sunday, which I shared with the Wisdom Class on Tuesday, so they would be GONE. I posted the recipe for the yummy lemon cookies here.

Mind the Gap!

Today in our lectio divina group, someone talked of the advice her swami gave her awhile back--When obsessing about bad events, memories, or whatever, visualize them as different cars of a train. Then notice the GAPS between the cars--those are the spaces that were NOT bad. So there is happiness (or at least not unhappiness) amidst crises.

This reminds me of what I have been reading about Teilhard in Towards a New Mysticism: Teilhard de Chardin and Eastern Religions by Ursula King. (This is an out-of-print book, but reasonably priced used copies are available.):

Teilhard's time as a stretcher-bearer in the front-lines of WWI was his choice so as not to "enjoy the relative privileges of an army chaplain" (27) . "The immensity of the war, the daily life at the Front, and face to face encounters with death provided a catalysing influence through which the mystical seer turned writer" (27-8).

"It was here, amidst blood, death and terror, that his tremendous vision of mankind belonging together first began to take shape" (28).

In fact, "when Teilhard's war letters were eventually published in 1961, Francois Mauriac commented: ' The most optimistic view a Christian thinker has ever held of this criminal world was conceived at Verdun; this frantic cry of hope has been uttered from an abyss. . . The same sort of courage which was necessary to hold out in the trenches of Verdun, was also necessary for conceiving thoughts as joyful as these, so permeated with hope'"(28).

Somehow Teilhard became aware of the Divine interconnecting the people, living and dying. The gaps showed him that surrounding each dark moment was Love.

So in our own visualizations of the difficult things we've endured or are worrying about, imagine each a railway car--So mind the gaps!

Remember that God is in the gaps.

Friday Five: Images via Lectio Divina

Martha brought today's Friday Five to RevGalBlogPals:

For today's Friday Five, let's have a mini-BE 5.0 workshop. Take a look at these five portions from the gospel lections for this Sunday and next, and share with us the images that come to mind for you. Feel free to use words or pictures. (Just remember David Cassidy is taken.)

Since I didn't go on the RevGals cruise, I didn't encounter their way of looking at these scriptures. So I am going to use a mini-Lectio Divina approach and try to get some images. However, this will take longer than usual for a FF; I'll come back and do different pieces throughout the day.

1. As soon as they left the synagogue, they entered the house of Simon and Andrew, with James and John. Now Simon's mother-in-law was in bed with a fever, and they told him about her at once. He came and took her by the hand and lifted her up. Then the fever left her, and she began to serve them. (Mark 1:29-31)

With the inspiration of David Cassidy, I thought of the last episode of "The Middle," where the middle daughter Sue is embarrassing her older brother in high school with her enthusiastic dorky-ness. In this scene, she is trying to get to her next class but is always late--the funniest scene is when she decides to take all her books in her backpack and ends up falling backwards in the hall--like a turtle upside down. Her brother would not help her get up and walked away.

Eden Sher of "The Middle" tv show

How we need to help each other--and that will bring us to serve others.

2. That evening, at sundown, they brought to him all who were sick or possessed with demons. And the whole city was gathered around the door. And he cured many who were sick with various diseases, and cast out many demons; and he would not permit the demons to speak, because they knew him. (Mark 1:32-34)

Yesterday our weekly Lectio Divina group meditated upon Mark 1:32-37. In our discussion after the prayer time, we talked of why Jesus told the demons not to speak of his identity. We decided it was because in Mark, the divine identity of Jesus was a secret throughout the story.

3. In the morning, while it was still very dark, he got up and went out to a deserted place, and there he prayed. And Simon and his companions hunted for him. When they found him, they said to him, "Everyone is searching for you." (Mark 1:35-37)

Even though I choose the Lectio Divina selection each week (from the lectionary) for our group, I am always surprised at the insight that comes to me in the silence. This week's selection had me concentrate on the phrase "Everyone is searching for you." I realized that every person in the world is seeking the Divine/Love, and I need to be more aware of that commonality in large groups, where I can often feel alone. Instead, we are each seeking the Desire of our Hearts and are doing the best we can in that endeavor.

4. He answered, "Let us go on to the neighboring towns, so that I may proclaim the message there also; for that is what I came out to do." And he went throughout Galilee, proclaiming the message in their synagogues and casting out demons. (Mark 1:38-39)

I loved the image Julie brought to this in her FF, because she envisioned a DE-cluttering, which makes me think of my need to get rid of stuff. Jesus cast out devils right and left. He is a model to follow--so what do I need to get rid of??

5. A leper came to him begging him, and kneeling he said to him, "If you choose, you can make me clean." Moved with pity, Jesus stretched out his hand and touched him, and said to him, "I do choose. Be made clean!" Immediately the leprosy left him, and he was made clean. After sternly warning him he sent him away at once, saying to him, "See that you say nothing to anyone; but go, show yourself to the priest, and offer for your cleansing what Moses commanded, as a testimony to them." But he went out and began to proclaim it freely, and to spread the word, so that Jesus could no longer go into a town openly, but stayed out in the country; and people came to him from every quarter. (Mark 1:40-45)

Sometimes it seems like there are too many choices to choose from. Other times, I am not even aware of a choice--there was one, but I just react. Someone once told me that her therapist advised her to remember to "Choose Health." Choosing health could be interchanged with "Choosing Love" and/or "Choosing God."

I read them ALL!

Tonight I finished the seventh and final book in Louise Penny's mystery series about Armand Gamache. These were such good books! Each one was better than the last! Maybe in another year, Louise Penny will have written another one. . . or so I hope. Click here to see the books to read!

If you have a Kindle, you can easily download them. The first one Still Life only costs $2.99 to download! Then you'll be hooked! (My first two books in the series were library books, so look at your local library, too.) It is such fun to be immersed in another world for days. . . .

Now it is time to be back in the real world, since classes and more regular activities started this week after Labor Day. Maybe I will also get back into blogging and even visiting other blogs.

And what is happening around here:

• My right hand is swelling more, while I am still waiting to get the prescription to start the new medication Humira for my RA.

• This Sunday is our granddaughter Avery's baptism, and so family and friends will be arriving soon. Both sons will also be bringing their dogs, so we will have five dogs for the weekend.

• The Wisdom Class reading group started meeting again this week after a two-month break. Our new book is Tattoos on the Heart by Gregory Boyle, a must-read.

• Our Lectio Divina group began meeting today. We meditated upon Romans 14:7-9

We do not live to ourselves, and we do not die to ourselves. If we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord; so then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's.

• Lectio Divina surprises me at what comes up--I was struck by the word "to." There is movement there, causing me to ponder what I am paying attention to, going to. With all this intensive reading behind me, it is time to be mindful! To what or whom am I focused upon?
  

Lost and Found

Today our priest Sandy Casey-Martus read this poem by David Wagoner at the beginning and end of her profound sermon on Luke 15:1-10. Read it slowly; sit and wait.

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still.
The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

~~David Wagoner

"Lost" from Collected Poems 1956-1976 © Indiana University Press.

Kissing Feet?

Our scripture for Lectio Divina today was the beginning of the Gospel selection for this Sunday, Luke 7:36-38:

7:36 One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee's house and took his place at the table.

7:37 And a woman in the city, who was a sinner, having learned that he was eating in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster jar of ointment.

7:38 She stood behind him at his feet, weeping, and began to bathe his feet with her tears and to dry them with her hair. Then she continued kissing his feet and anointing them with the ointment.

I kept thinking about kissing calloused, dirty feet. The only feet I have ever liked to kiss were the sweet little ones of my babies. I cannot imagine kissing my husband's feet or anyone wanting to kiss my feet!

As I continued to pray and ponder over this short text, I tried to imagine Mary Magdalene kissing Jesus' feet--in her love and anguish, vulnerability and surrender.

Just as last week's scripture about the Widow of Nain (Luke 7:11-17) showed Jesus going beyond the code of behavior dictated by Torah and culture when he touched the bier and dead man, so did Mary Magdalene exceed the strictures for a woman of that time by showing up at a Pharisee's home, being a woman and known sinner, and excessively displaying emotion and using expensive ointment on a man unrelated to her. These excesses brought forth sanctity and holiness--first in bringing forth life in the son of the Widow and secondly, the expression of love and repentance brought forth forgiveness and new life for Mary. Such abundance going beyond the norms of society and religion are echoes of the magnanimity of God.

To surrender so totally to God is epitomized by the image of Mary weeping over Jesus' feet, wiping them with her hair, and kissing them.

I ask myself, "Whose feet will I kiss?" Where will I go beyond the ordinary to serve someone?

Deepening Realization

I was fortunate to attend a short contemplative prayer retreat out at Mustang Island Retreat Center this past weekend. We spent three hours a day in prayer and three hours a day in class, being taught from the book The Lessons: How to Understand Spiritual Principles, Spiritual Activities, and Rising Emotions by its authors Sandy Casey-Martus and Carla R. Mancari. It was much like the retreat I described here. (You may recall that the Reverend Sandy Casey-Martus is the priest of All Saints Episcopal Church here in Corpus Christi.)

There were 21 people in attendance, some from different churches and locales. Two people who attended the retreat linked above were there. Friends from All Saints and my lectio divina group also attended. I met an older woman who lives in Austin, who surprisingly grew up in Lynden, WA where my mother lived after she was seven years old.

One of the topics discussed was realization: A realization stays with you, as it helps you realize your Godly nature of love. Experiences and insights will come and go, fading from memory--but not realizations. A realization marks a moment of clarity and insight that causes one to change something about one's life or attitude. What is more, understanding takes time to develop. That reminds me of how many years it took Julian of Norwich to write with more understanding about the visions of Jesus Christ that she experienced on her supposed deathbed. It took Paul ten years to integrate his experience on the road to Damascus.

"Realizations and enlightenments require time to expand and deepen. For this reason, wisdom may seem to lag behind a realization and often does. Wisdom comes naturally from within awareness in due time." (78)

An expansion of a a major realization of my life occurred this weekend. When I was still depressed and spending too much time on suicidal ideation in 1999, I was blessed with an indescribable flooding of God's love, which I understood to mean that I would never kill myself. That realization changed my life in that I knew I would never sink into such depression again. And I progressively grew healthier.

11 years later I suddenly realized that I needed that interpretation for the past decade, but that it also has a fuller meaning: God infinitely loves and exists and I (and humanity) will always be in the Divine with no end. I believe that this understanding came from my practice of sitting in Christ-Centered Prayer twice a day since January 2009.

"It is in God-awareness that you live, move and have your being. You are the heart, mind, intellect, and voice of an individual expression of the Father/Christ Consciousness on this earth." (78)

(The quotes are from Best-Kept Secret by Sandra Casey-Martus and Carla Mancari. This describes Christ-Centered Prayer in a more narrative form than The Lessons, which is more of a workbook and teaching aid to the prayer.)

I am glad I was at the retreat, which ended this morning so there was time to go to church with MJ and CB. (MJ drove back to San Antonio this afternoon. She starts working for one of the Trinity University professors tomorrow--doing chemistry research.)

Pray for Margie

Please pray for my friend Margie. She is in ICU for pneumonia and sepsis. She just returned from a trip to Holland on Sunday night.

I have known Margie since I joined the Methodist Church in 1994. She was one of the Disciple I leaders that year when I started my Christian journey. After that, she and I were in the same Emmaus Reunion group and went to Lebh Shomea on retreats together. Margie and I loved to read and study together. One semester she even traveled with me to San Antonio every week to take a scripture class on Acts from Sister Sarah Sharkey, OP (an Adrian Dominican sister) at Oblate School of Theology. She is one of the founding members of the Lectio Divina Group that continues to meet every Wednesday at FUMC of Corpus Christi; the group started in 1997.

Friday Five: Spiritual Spring Cleaning

Sally offers today's Friday Five for the RevGalBlogPals:

The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We're Christ's representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God's work of making things right between them. We're speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he's already a friend with you. (2 Corninthians 5: 17-20 The Message)

All this got me thinking that if we traditionally think of spring as a time for new life, then maybe a spiritual spring cleaning might not be a bad thing to clear the way for the new thing that God wants to do in us!

So with all of that in mind I offer you this Friday Five:

1. Is there a part of your spiritual life that is dry and dusty at the moment, something that could do with a good spring clean?
As with Maxine's cartoon above, I want to find my spiritual focus, especially about my master's thesis. I was surprised how I clung onto my unknowing and lack of inspiration at the beginning of this week.

I finally noticed that I've been clinging (from Psalm 63:5-8) too much to my inadequacy. I am trying to pay attention to what I am clinging to, so that I might better cling to God and let go of the other preoccupations.

2. Spiritual disciplines- life-giving/ terrifying: discuss
Sitting in meditation/contemplation twice a day is a discipline that I usually keep. Sometimes it seems pointless, like earlier this week. I commit to this.

The weekly Lectio Divina group is life-giving. This week's meditation on Psalm 63:5-8 brought me to the awareness of "clinging."

Psalm 63:5-8

63:5 My soul is satisfied as with a rich feast, and my mouth praises you with joyful lips

63:6 when I think of you on my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night;

63:7 for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I sing for joy.

63:8 My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

3. Share a practice that keeps you spiritually alive that you think others might benefit from...
Lectio Divina

Christ-Centered Prayer:
1. Sit comfortably.
2. Close eyes, rest hands gently in lap.
3. Slowly in hale deeply and slowly exhale relaxing the entire body.
4. Consciously become aware of your Spiritual Heart Center (center of chest, between the breasts) and rest in awareness.
5. If thoughts or sensations arise, do not dialogue, converse, or respond to their rising. Allow them to rise and again just gently become aware of your Spiritual Heart Center.
6. Continue the practice in this manner. No matter how often thoughts or emotions rise, gently again come aware of your Spiritual Heart Center.
7. At the end of your silent prayer period, take a few minute to become consciously aware of your body before returning to normal activity.

Casey-Martus, Sandra and Mancari, Carla R. The Lessons: How to Understand Spiritual Principles, Spiritual Activities, and Rising Emotions. Tucson: Wheatmark, 2008. 25.

4.Alone or together, how do you pray best?
Usually alone, though there is depth that is reached in a group that is silently praying.

5.If your spiritual life were to burgeon and bloom into a spring flower what would it be and why?
Texas wildflowers, because fields of bluebonnets and other flowers are truly glorious. We are all looking forward to such an abundant spring here in south Texas, because we've had lots of rain and cooler weather this winter. For the past several years the drought has eliminated the growth of most wildflowers.
Bonus, a piece of music a picture or a prayer that speaks to you of new life....
Though I do not see crocuses here, I always remember the excitement of seeing one poke out of the group when I lived in RI and NJ:

Broken not Perfect

During Ash Wednesday's Lectio Divina, we meditated upon Psalm 1:15-17. I was struck by the need for a "broken heart." During the contemplation, I remembered how many pieces of my Ken Edwards Mexican pottery were broken early in December.

Soon after that, CB ordered me some pieces from E-Bay, but when they arrived, two bowls were broken. Here is one the photos I took as proof to send the seller:

You can see that one was broken into three pieces. After a few days, I glued it back together. This bowl sits on the kitchen counter; I put my used tea bags in it. I always re-use each bag, because I do not like strong tea. I feel a lot of pleasure when I look at that bowl, seeing the butterfly and bird.In contrast, the unbroken or perfect pieces of pottery are put away, out of sight, behind cupboard doors. Perfect pieces are put away and not seen or used often. Out of sight, out of mind.

How many things I do not do because I/they will not be perfect. Over the years, I seldom invited people over to my house, because it was not perfect. How perfection closes us off from use--and from others.

This reminds me of the story of the shattered vase that God reassembles using gold as the mortar between the fragments. The vase is more beautiful with all its cracks than when it was unbroken or "perfect".

God desires me to be used in relation to others, not closed off, isolated. The invitation is go out NOW, mindless of mistakes, just keep going--Not to be afraid to show my lack of perfection, but remembering always that God loves me in my brokenness, right now. (This is something I must live in to with my paper for my degree.)

Further emphasis comes from Richard Rohr's Daily Meditation from February 12:

"In the process of transformation ('conversion' if you prefer), as we learn to face the contradictions that we ourselves are, we become living icons of both/and. We find the hidden wholeness of God underlying our weaknesses. Once we can accept mercy, it is almost natural to hand it on to others. (See the story of the unforgiving debtor in Matthew 18:23-35.) We always become conduits of what we ourselves have received."

We have head colds

From FuzzyCo

Well, not really "head" colds, because this one settles in the throat and chest. CB finally went to the doctor yesterday and got antibiotics for bronchitis. After ten days, he is looking a little better today. He has to be very sick to even go to the doctor.

My lingering "pre-cold" feeling is now in my throat, so that I am speaking with a croaky whisper. Thus, I did not go to our weekly lectio divina group today. Luckily, last year the minister convinced me to send the weekly scripture to the church for printing, instead of me doing it myself. So today they could carry on without me!

DC and AA are coming to visit us this weekend from Austin along with their friendly bulldog Sampson. Hopefully, we'll be better for their arrival. Maisie will really enjoy having Sampson here for playing.

Push Out Into Deep Water
Based on Luke 5:1-11
by Karen L. Oberst

Fishing all night, they caught nothing
Morning frustration repairing nets
Getting ready to go home. Wait -
Where's the crowd coming from?

Then they saw him - Jesus.
The one they'd heard so much about.
"Put out a little from shore," he requested
And they rowed his bobbing pulpit there.

The fisherman sat spellbound as he spoke
Nets and sleep and fishlessness forgotten
They listened hungrily as he fed their souls.
Listened as he spoke words of life.

He sent off his audience on the shore
And the fishermen woke, as from a dream.
He turned to them and smiled
Acknowledging their help - and their need.

"Push out into deep water," he said
"And let your nets out for a catch
Half-heartedly protesting, they did as he asked
And multitudes of fish swam to them.

How often has he said to me
"Push out into deep water,"
When I would be content
To stay in the shallows listening?

I sit peaceful in my small life
Ticking off my to-do list
When his voice comes to me
"Push out into deep water."

"It's time to leave the ordinary,
Time to put learning into practice.
I'll care for you," he says.
"Push out into deep water."

Lord, point me to the deep
Show me where to row my life
I want to follow you as I
Push out into deep water.

But deep water wasn't the destination
Only the place where you showed them
Who you are - what you can do
Then you called on them to follow.

Those who push out into deep water
Learn things unknown to those on shore
Discover faith that can move mountains - or fish
And how to follow where you lead.

Lead me, Lord
Deep or shallow, High or low
Pastures or valleys, Sheep or eagle
Just point me the way - and bid me follow.

(From Karen Oberst's website)

I'm floundering in deep water

Well, that's what I feel like at times, though it is a sunny and beautiful day here in south TX. I am always surprised at the way God startles me in our weekly Lectio Divina group. This does not happen every week, but I was overturned with the memory and invitation I received two days ago. The scripture was Luke 5:3-6 (the entire lectionary reading is Luke 5:1-11):

5:3 He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little way from the shore. Then he sat down and taught the crowds from the boat.
5:4 When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, "Put out into the deep water and let down your nets for a catch."
5:5 Simon answered, "Master, we have worked all night long but have caught nothing. Yet if you say so, I will let down the nets."
5:6 When they had done this, they caught so many fish that their nets were beginning to break.

In the silences I kept pondering "out into the deep water." Suddenly I was surprised by a forgotten memory. I grew up on different military bases, which always offered swimming lessons for base children in the summertime at the pools on base. When I was about 11 years old, in between 6th and 7th grades in Yokosuka, Japan, I was in a small group of kids that was being taught to dive. I was terrified, not realizing until much later that I had been warned against diving ever since I fractured my skull in first grade. The instructor kept demanding that I try again and again until I did it. The authority of this young man and probably the peer pressure of the other kids prompted me to keep going. I recall fear, anguish (and crying) and eventually triumph. And I see how I needed someone to call me to account.Well, the floundering is connected with my pull to deep water, which is something I have been avoiding for years. As mentioned in intermittent posts (especially this one from June 27, 2009), I have never written the final scholarly papers to receive my Master's degree in Theology from the Oblate School of Theology in San Antonio. In fact, I think the last class I took there was the month-long trip to Zambia in 2006.

A new friend at church CS, a former high school English teacher, offered to help me get going on this project a month ago. She suggested that I contact the school and find out what needs to be done to get going again. I never did anything until the Lectio group a few days ago. I certainly tend to let things slide when left on my own. . . .

I emailed a friend at OST, who then referred me to the registrar, who then sent me to consult with the advisor for lay persons in the MaTH program. The latter finally told me that he was the one who could decide on an "extension" for me. He sent me the newest guidelines, which showed that now I only have to write ONE paper and not three.

BUT he reiterated the one guideline that stumped me all these years: "Please be careful to note that the topic must be innovative (break new ground in research) and so focused that issue is nearly exhausted in 20 pages." HOW CAN I BREAK NEW GROUND??

I am stuck because I don't feel innovative and questioning enough to come up with an idea that "breaks new ground in research."

That is why I am feeling like I am in deep water, not knowing what to grab.

The only thing I am sure of are the invitations that God keeps extending for people to help me. Can I be humble enough to tell them I am lost?

I always remember my mother singing, "Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat; won't you please put a halfpenny in the old man's hat?"

Well, Christmas is coming, and I am way behind. I am trying to remember the lectio divina verses from last week from Philippians 4:4-7:

4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.

4:5 Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near.

4:6 Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

My message was to remember that "the Lord is near" and to "rejoice," which I took to mean not to worry and stress. So I am trying to take one thing at a time, though I got rattled today when wrapping presents to mail and kept losing things, only to find them under some paper or right behind something!

Amazingly, I got to the post office and only had to wait in a short line (of three people). I am very happy that I mailed my packages to Seattle, especially the large one for daughters AE and KA.

We put lights on our Christmas tree today. Soon ornaments may appear. . . .

Love creates thankfulness

letters

I used to be a prolific letter-writer, especially with my friend NKE since I left Japan in 1964. The internet has slowed me on writing letters these days, though my elderly cousin Margaret in Calgary, Canada is an example of someone who still writes 10+ handwritten letters to me. No one else though. I am grateful for the letters I have received in the past and those still to come. I have a drawer full of special letters I've kept.

When my dad died and we cleaned out his house, I found a blue canvas notebook full of letters my mother wrote to her parents while she was a Marine in WWII. What a treasure to have. I am grateful my grandmother (Nana) saved my mother's letters, and also that my mother kept them, too.

listening

I am grateful that sometimes I listen with my whole being. I appreciate when someone truly listens to me in this way.

“In every experience of true listening, especially to God but also to another person, there is a mysterious moment in which the one who listens steps out from a fortress of self-concern and dwells silently in the truth of the one who speaks. This is a moment of great risk and great courage, for it ushers us into a different way of being in the world. Over time, we may even cease to be people who listen and become people who are listening, people whose very being is shaped by the posture of listening. This is the posture of the servant, whose attentiveness is not a sign of cringing compliance but a mark of human life lived ever more fully in the Spirit of love (see I Sam. 3:10).”

~John S. Mogabgab

LOOK

"Look" is the first word I ever learned to read in first grade. I still remember the giant Sally, Dick and Jane book my teacher (Miss Golden) had at the front of the room and "Look" being the only word on the first page of the book. That memories reminds me of how grateful I am to be able to read.

Lemon Torte yogurt

Though this sounds silly, I am very thankful for Yoplait's new Delights, especially the Lemon Torte flavor. Having one of the 100 calories cups is so delightful that I feel like I am indulging myself, as I try to stick to the Weight Watchers program.

La Leche League

I am grateful that I was introduced to La Leche League and that I continued to be associated with La Leche League through my four children for almost 15 years. I met my good friend Lisa through this, so our children grew up together. I learned being a mother involves loving discipline rather than the harsher discipline I was brought up with.

Lectio Divina

I am grateful that God opened me to the practice of Lectio Divina in the 1990's. Through this practice I learned how the Spirit opens us to the truth hidden in the words of the Bible. I appreciate the Lectio Divina group that continues to meet every Wednesday since 1997.

Lebh Shomea

Though I have not visited Lebh Shomea retreat center in Sarita, TX for over a year, I will always be grateful for the existence of such a place and for the many times I stayed there since the 1990's. I attribute my love of the Eucharist to the times I was there.

Living to Die

Psalm 51:10-12

51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me.

51:11 Do not cast me away from your presence, and do not take your holy spirit from me.

51:12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and sustain in me a willing spirit.

During our weekly lectio divina group on Wednesday, this scripture brought me to a deeper understanding of the concept of "living to die." Or as the medieval Book of the Craft of Dying states: "Learn to die and thou shall learn how to live. There shall none learn how to live that hath not learned to die" (Sogyal Rinpoche).

I thought of how any of these phrases could be a breath prayer, a habitual mantra-like saying for me. I truly desire a "willing spirit," so I wish to ask God to "sustain in me a willing spirit." Do I want this enough to pray for it?

Thus I remembered how a habitual prayer practice of a verse, a word, or a phrase from a hymn can remind one of God's presence. A calm spirit will replace anxiety or anger when such is prayed. I remember reading that the Dalai Lama recommended that each person have such a practice so that one can be reminded of it when one is dying, ill and/or agitated.

In fact, Christine Longaker writes about this in her book Facing Death and Finding Hope: A Guide to the Emotional and Spiritual Care of the Dying:

"Above all, we can encourage our dying loved one to identify a spiritual practice--a special prayer meditation, hymn, or scriptural reading--that inspires her with confidence and strength. Regularly doing an inspiring practice, especially if she is suffering, will focus the energy of her heart and mind in a positive way and help to rekindle her devotion and trust. The sacred inspiration of this continual prayer or meditation may begin to pervade her every waking and sleeping moment, and this is an excellent way to prepare for death. And, if her family, friends, or caregivers do this practice with her whenever they visit, they will feel more prepared at the moment of her death--more inspired to let her go, peacefully and with love." (115-116)

Sometime ago, I read how someone's mother was ill with Alzheimer's and often became restlessly anxious. When her son reminded her of the 23rd Psalm, "The Lord is my shepherd" by soothingly repeating it, his mother would grow more peaceful. This was a practice that helped both of them and was a way for him to show his love for his mother.

Last week in Seattle, at times Terry or Dennis would be overwhelmed by anxiety or anger. That is natural in times of illness and stress. Few people are taught how to cope with extenuating circumstances, which I only realized in retrospect during the lectio divina time.

Ecknath Easwaran writes in Dialogue With Death: A Journey Through Consciousness:

"Whatever your physical situation, your mind can help you to deal with it if you train your mind to be forgiving, compassionate, calm, and kind. 'You can no better friend,' the Buddha says, 'than a well-trained mind--and no worse enemy than an untrained mind.'" (75)

With greater awareness, each of us could short circuit extreme emotions with a phrase, even like "This will pass." Don't you remember how people used to say "count to 10" before acting on anger? Creating a habit of reminding oneself of love or peace could bring more serenity into one's life, even if one is not actually ill or dying.

What makes happiness?

"Happiness" was the theme of an editorial in today's newspaper by David Brooks, though it was published two days ago in the New York Times. Go here to read it. It's about a longitudinal study of 268 young men going to Harvard University in the early 1940s.

"The results from the study, known as the Grant Study, have surfaced periodically in the years since. But they’ve never been so brilliantly captured as they are in an essay called 'What Makes Us Happy?' by Joshua Wolf Shenk in the forthcoming issue of The Atlantic. (The essay is available online today.)"



Brooks' editorial whet my appetite for the much longer article, that is very interesting. A few quotes from that piece:

"The story gets to the heart of Vaillant’s angle on the Grant Study. His central question is not how much or how little trouble these men met, but rather precisely how—and to what effect—they responded to that trouble. His main interpretive lens has been the psychoanalytic metaphor of 'adaptations,' or unconscious responses to pain, conflict, or uncertainty. Formalized by Anna Freud on the basis of her father’s work, adaptations (also called 'defense mechanisms') are unconscious thoughts and behaviors that you could say either shape or distort—depending on whether you approve or disapprove—a person’s reality." (2)

"Whereas clinicians focus on treating a problem at any given time, Vaillant is more like a biographer, looking to make sense of a whole life—or, to take an even broader view, like an anthropologist or naturalist looking to capture an era. The good news, he argues, is that diseases—and people, too—have a 'natural history.' After all, many of the 'psychotic' adaptations are common in toddlers, and the 'immature' adaptations are essential in later childhood, and they often fade with maturity. As adolescents, the Grant Study men were twice as likely to use immature defenses as mature ones, but in middle life they were four times as likely to use mature defenses—and the progress continued into old age. When they were between 50 and 75, Vaillant found, altruism and humor grew more prevalent, while all the immature defenses grew more rare." (2)

As I am in my late 50's, I am glad to hear that--hope in growing older!

"Vaillant’s other main interest is the power of relationships. 'It is social aptitude,' he writes, 'not intellectual brilliance or parental social class, that leads to successful aging.' Warm connections are necessary—and if not found in a mother or father, they can come from siblings, uncles, friends, mentors. The men’s relationships at age 47, he found, predicted late-life adjustment better than any other variable, except defenses. Good sibling relationships seem especially powerful: 93 percent of the men who were thriving at age 65 had been close to a brother or sister when younger. In an interview in the March 2008 newsletter to the Grant Study subjects, Vaillant was asked, 'What have you learned from the Grant Study men?' Vaillant’s response: 'That the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people.'" (3)

Another point that I find unmentioned but seemingly relevant, at least to me, is the spiritual component of their lives. In my 40s, I became newly aware of the Divine, which is told in my Faith Story, especially in the earlier posts. I am much happier believing and having faith in God.

This goes along with our lectio divina scripture today from John 15:9-11 :

15:9 As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you; abide in my love.

15:10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love.

15:11 I have said these things to you so that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be complete.

Here, Jesus tells us that our joy is incomplete until his joy joins ours. Our joy has to be made complete by his joy, which encompasses love. Along with this, is the image from last week's lectio meditation in the post below this that helps me to remember that our wholeness is in God, which exists always no matter how we feel or look.

It is a never-ending circle, which I do not know how to make on the computer, so imagine the sequence as:

happiness = God = joy = love = life = relationship

I am glad this is the reality I know.

Between/Out of the Cracks!

Last week husband CB bought these flood lights for the kitchen, but accidentally dropped the package as he got out of his truck. Look what happened: the outside broke, but the actual fluorescent light inside remained whole.

In my meditation time and later in Lectio Divina, I realized that this is what we are all like--cracked and broken (as in the post below) but whole within. In fact, within each of us is the Divine Light that always shines. Sometimes the Light cannot be seen unless there are cracks and broken places.

The Lectio Divina selection for the day was I John 4:11-13:

4:11 Beloved, since God loved us so much, we also ought to love one another.

4:12 No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us.

4:13 By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit.

Whether we feel broken, cracked or not, Love abides in us. Always.

Today let us look further than the exterior, which may be too beautiful or too flawed for comfort. Beneath is much, much more.