Doubting myself

I remember when I was in therapy and going to 12-step groups, people always compared growth to the peeling of an onion. It seems like we keep returning to the same behavior, even though we think we've gone beyond it. Back again!

I fell back into the behavior of thinking that I'm not good enough this past week. That has been a pattern throughout my entire life, probably because I grew up with an alcoholic father who was very critical. I now realize he acted this way due to his own feelings of inadequacy, but I did not know that when I was growing up.

Through therapy, healing and spiritual growth, I have gained more confidence in myself. Periodically, I fall again into self-denigration. At least now I don't stay in that self-critical mode as long; slowly I am learning.

This past week I was doubting my proficiency (what a term!) in prayer, as I continued to sit in meditation (or Christ Centered Prayer) twice a day. "Not good enough" was a refrain echoing within, but with continued centering prayer and keeping on, that diminished into non-existence.

Awareness of this weakness in me is key; if I can notice this tendency sooner, then I will let go of the judgment in a more timely manner. This pattern may never totally disappear, but I have faith that it will continue to lessen.

Growth seems to go forwards and backwards and in a spiral, but I am already beloved and whole in the sight of God--even if I don't know that yet. It's like the story of a person being hidden by 1,000 veils; with the unveiling of each one, sight becomes clearer; the person is still the same, but that cannot be seen until all is revealed.
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My spiritual director told me to read about "Doubts" in The Lessons: How to Understand Spiritual Principles, Spiritual Activities, and Rising Emotions by Sandy Casey-Martus and Carla Mancari. (This is not a book for easy reading; it is more of a workbook or reference book for spiritual growth.) Here are a few pertinent quotes that helped me:

"Doubts are inner rising mental vibrating energies which cause you to question your spiritual walk in all its phases."

"Doubts trigger a chain reaction. Doubts--disbelief--wavering--distrusting--hesitation--lack of creativity that may slow your forward progress. At times, doubts may freeze your ability to move to the inner awareness. For all these reasons, doubts are taken seriously."

"There are doubts when there doesn't appear to be any spiritual progress and there are doubts when there does appear to be progress. With doubts, it is always a no win--no win situation. "

Casey-Martus, Sandy and Mancari, Carla. The Lessons: How to Understand Spiritual Principles, Spiritual Activities, and Rising Emotions. Tucson: Wheatmark, 2008. 71-72.