Surrender=Leaping

I first chose this cartoon, because that's my view of my leap into belief in God. In my faith journey about my mother's death, I wrote that walking and praying/talking to myself brought me to believe in God. At that same time, as I struggled with faith, I would ask myself such questions as this: "Are you believing so that you will go to Heaven? Are you believing to make yourself feel better? And feel better about your mother's death?" I finally had to imagine myself on a cliff like Indiana Jones did in "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade"--where he had to cross an abyss and each step he took landed him on an invisible step. I still have to give up thoughts of Eternal Reward, though I believe in afterlife, or I doubt myself and my faith.

Connected with my feelings of leaping is my realization that I get stuck when I do not risk (or leap). In our lectio group on Wednesday, we meditated upon Matthew 4:18-20:

4:18 As Jesus walked by the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon, who is called Peter, and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea for they were fishermen.

4:19 And he said to them, "Follow me, and I will make you fish for people."

4:20 Immediately they left their nets and followed him.

The image I had was me watching Jesus speak to Simon Peter and Andrew, and I asked myself, "Why didn't he ask me?" My answer was that Jesus had already asked me, but I had not responded (moved). Another member of our lectio group was drawn to word "net" and imagined all the different uses of a net, like being under an acrobat or trapeze artist for safety. Maybe that helped me to imagine a net under the diving board up there!

For a long time, I have been feeling stuck in many areas of my life: prayer, weight, papers, closets! The list could go on and on. . . .

With the realization that I'm stuck, Sunday's quotation from Simone Weil returned to me many times with the thought that "every separation is a link" to God. My link is my resistance, which I am now offering to God.

AND I am amazed that there is a difference! Yesterday I finally finished my fourth paper for the Shalem Spiritual Guidance Program, which was due two months ago!

The leap was easier than I expected. Offering my resistance (separation/procrastination) to God in faithful prayer is the way to help me risk the leap into the unknowing. There's always more control to give up.