Help!

I need your prayers.


This image shows how I have been feeling for the last few days--frustrated, angry, sad about the increasing pain in my joints. It was especially difficult being with my 5 month old granddaughter since yesterday, when the pain peaked--I could not lift her or hold her for very long, because my hands hurt so much.

I had hoped that the joint pain was disappearing, though I was deluded for the past month by taking a pseudo-steroid Presdnisone, mostly while I was in Spain. This relieved the pain (and now I realize, the swelling) until I decreased the dosage week-by-week until last Tuesday. When I saw my family doctor, he prescribed a pain medication, which seemed to have little effect by the second day.

That was Saturday, when we were in Austin visiting son DC, his wife AA, and little Avery. That day and night the pain reached the worst I have ever felt. I could barely take a step. The worst part was not being able to give Avery a bath or hold her as much as I wished. And the pain goes on. . . .

The good part of this weekend was stirring me to action--to demand a referral to a specialist. Dr. S. keeps referring to my initial blood work which indicated that my sed level was "LOW" and so I had no inflammation--I should have paid more attention to Father Bill and Songbird who told me to see a rheumatologist way back on March 8!! (Here, you can only see one if you are referred by your primary care physician.)

THIS is why I have not been blogging much lately; just as now, I cannot type long because my right wrist hurts so much.

Please pray for me.

My daughter with a monkey!

MJ at Gibraltar last Friday

God Is Here

From Prayer by Abhishiktananda (Henri Le Saux):

"To pray is an act of faith. This does not mean that, in order to pray, we must first confess our faith in more or less abstract terms. No indeed; true prayer is based on the faith, the conviction that God is here, that he is everywhere, that he is in everything, that he is the source from which everything comes and the end (at once immanent and transcendent) to which everything is on the move.

"To pray is to take for granted that we live in the mystery of God, that we are immersed in it, and that this mystery envelops us and at the same time extends beyond us on every side--'In him we live and move and have our being' (Acts 17:28)."

Abhishiktananda. Prayer. Norwich: Canterbury Press, 2006. 12.

This prayer thought is also posted at A Place for Prayer today. Please visit this ministry blog of RevGalBlogPals.

"If God is hidden, it is because he is in himself beyond all we can perceive, even with our minds. If this were not so, he would simply be one of the possible objects that can be known, just like everything else in the universe. . . ." (17-18)

Resurrection According to Nouwen

"The resurrection does not solve our problems about dying and death. It is not the happy ending to our life's struggle, nor is it the big surprise that God has kept in store for us. No, the resurrection is the expression of God's faithfulness to Jesus and to all God's children. Through the resurrection, God has said to Jesus, "You are indeed my beloved Son, and my love is everlasting," and to us God has said, "You indeed are my beloved children, and my love is everlasting." The resurrection is God's way of revealing to us that nothing that belongs to God will ever go to waste. What belongs to God will never get lost."

-- Henri Nouwen (1932-1996)

It was interesting to see the two different and unexpected reactions to this quotation today. When I used it for an initial meditation time in the Wisdom Class, everyone's reaction was quite positive, especially for one member whose wife died a year ago. (The Wisdom Class is a weekly book study--currently reading A Case for God by Karen Armstrong.)

When my EFM class was presented with it, it aroused criticism and discussion about "resurrection," which could have gone on and on. One member objected to the word "everlasting," saying she preferred "eternal." Another disliked the word "children" and concentration on Jesus. Someone else did not like the infantile ending where Nouwen writes that nothing will be lost in God. The discussion was very interesting and revealed a lot about each one of us, especially since this was the second to the last EFM class for this year (and more specifically, for seven members of the class who will "graduate").

I realize that I resist analyzing it, because I find the short quotation very comforting. When I think of my deceased parents, I like hearing that they are loved and not lost. As I grow more cognizant of my age and future demise, I take comfort from these words for myself. Plus, I liked that heaven is not viewed as a "reward."

This was another gem posted by Ellie at The Anchorhold. Please let me know if you know where Henri Nouwen wrote this, whether in a book or an article.

Monday Minutia

Sometimes the minutia/details of life overwhelm us and so we do not pay attention to other more pertinent factors! So here goes with my Monday minutia that may then be relegated to lesser positions of priority:

• A dead possum lay in the middle of the street in front of our house when we awoke on Saturday morning. It lay there all day until that night my practical husband put it in three plastic sacks and deposited it in our trash can. Unfortunately, now that same trash can reeks with odor, which is why it is sitting on the street. Garbage pickup is on Wednesday, and so the "summer" temperatures (in the spring) in south TX will ripen the contents even more.

• Our interim priest started on Palm Sunday and is a welcome addition to All Saints Episcopal Church. He is a retired priest who is also my age (60!), and is humble and authentic. I really like the way he expresses his own wonderings. When I told him that yesterday, he said he was wary of people with certainties. I like that!

• I have been chosen to be a member of our parish's search committe for our new priest. I am honored.
  

• I am boggled by the downloaded file of 641 pictures taken in Spain! I really want to post about my trip, but need to label all those images. . . .before I forget, which is already occurring.
  

• Since returning from Spain three weeks ago, I suffered through a week of jet lag, followed by gradually decreasing the dosage of prednisone that had been upped in Spain for joint pain. I felt really good until I stopped the prednisone completely--then joint pain started to slowly return and seems to be increasing each day, even though I went back to taking the small dose of 5 mg. daily. Here I go again. . . .

• I am really pleased that my daughter-in-law and son asked us to spend Mother's Day with them in Austin--with their 5 month old daughter, Avery. This will be AA's first Mother's Day, and I am so happy that she will share it with me.

• Despite the terrorist bombing in Marakesh last Thursday, MJ's IES group went on to Morocco on Saturday. I am impressed with IES' prudent organization for all their trips. This has been an excellent semester for MJ abroad. She will return home on May 31.

• Thanks to going to Spain, I read various good books. (The first two are fiction.) I've meant to post about them, but for right now will just list them below as highly recommended:

1. A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness (I am suspecting that this will be the first in a series.
2. Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese (I was told that the first 200 pages were rather boring and to forge ahead as it kept getting better. I agree that it kept getting better, but I enjoyed the entire book.)
3. Grace and Grit: Spirituality and Healing in the LIfe and Death of Treya Killam Wilber by Ken Wilber (This is Ken Wilber's most accessible book and it is profound and personal.)
4. Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life by Richard Rohr (Richard Rohr's typically simple writing brings forth validation and new knowledge.)
5. The Hope: A Guide to Sacred Activism by Andrew Harvey (This is such a good book that I have considered giving a copy to each of my children, as it is not strictly a Christian book.)

• I got an Ipod touch for my trip to Spain. I really like it, especially playing a game called Words with Friends, which oldest son DC told me about. He is faithful about playing with me, but always wins! I used to think I was good at Scrabble, but not so much with Words with Friends. It is fun, and if you ever want to play with me, my name is "janintx."
  

Dividing Lines

"When Christians draw lines between themselves and others, Jesus remains a relentless and scandalous crosser of these lines. He quietly slips to the other side. Whenever an attempt to imprison him is made he disappears from sight and appears elsewhere. Thus is lived out the paradoxical nature of Christian identity. A Christian is simultaneously a member of a community and an outsider. It is as if Jesus still prefers to be with the outcast, however wrong their beliefs or behavior, rather than with those who are self-righteously sure that only they are right. The intolerant Christian isolates himself or herself from the Christ of universal tolerance. Jesus' truth is greater than all the opinions about him put together."

-- Laurence Freeman

With gratitude to Ellie at The Anchorhold for this wonderful quotation.

Swami Abhishiktananda

Abhishiktananda
(Fr. Henri Le Saux)
1910-1973

Henri Le Saux grew up in Brittany, France and excelled in his studies, which continued after he joined the Benedictine Abbey of Saint Anne of Kergonan when he was 19 years old. He felt particularly drawn to the Greek Fathers, especially Gregory Nazianzen’s Hymn to God Beyond All Names:

You who are beyond all, what other name befits you?

No words suffice to hymn you. Alone you are ineffable.

Of all beings you are the End, you are One, you are all, you are none.

Yet not one thing, nor all things. . . . You alone are the Unnameable.

Such Emptiness was a prelude to his call to India, which became an obsession around 1934, when he was only 24 years old, before his ordination. It took 14 more years of persistent asking, writing, and waiting before Henri was sent to India (in 1948), which he never left. He traveled in India and struggled with his Christian faith and the mystical experience of advaita (non-duality).

"He remained a priest, and he remained a Benedictine monk but he was a long way from the average expectations of a Catholic priest. He was beyond all structures, yet he remained a disciple of Jesus. As far as the church is concerned, he never left it but he did become distanced from it. He came to see more and more clearly the false duality of the church, for instance, in regarding people as active or contemplative. In the end even the Mass became unimportant: he could celebrate or not. Everything was divine, so it didn't really matter. But when he did say Mass, it was a momentous occasion, for he was at the level of knowing beyond any words." (38)

De Boulay, Shirley. Swami Abhishiktananda: Essential Writings. Maryknoll, NY: Orbis Books, 2007.

The other night when I could not sleep, I found an old used copy of Abhishiktananda's book "Saccidananda: A Christian Approach to Advaitic Experience." I am currently reading it again (for the "first" time) and then re-discovered Shirley Du Boulay's book on my shelves, too. So I am newly intrigued by this amazing mystic who experienced Christ from the depth of Hindu spirituality.

Google ABHISHIKTANANDA to find out more about him. A good resource is here, with a collection of articles by him here.

And what prompted me to start writing about him was this quote that I boldly highlighted in Du Boulay's book:

"Only to the extent that you are not attached to any thought, to any point of view, to anything at all, that you do not desire or fear anything, that you do not feel delight or sorrow in anything--only so can the void be created in your intellect. If I am worried about what will happen tomorrow, about what I will have to decide tomorrow, I will not be able to reach this void. I must have absolute faith in this mystery of the beyond into which I throw myself. Whether I call it Christ, Shiva, Parama-atman does not matter. Total acceptance that someone is there to receive me, to take complete charge of me, or rather that in the end I will find myself set free from all my present limitations."
~~July 27, 1955, Diary

De Boulay, Shirley. Swami Abhishiktananda: Essential Writings. Maryknoll, NY: Orbis Books, 2007.

That's detachment.

Belief is like a Pair of Sunglasses

After posting a political cartoon on both Facebook and this blog today, I am realizing belatedly that I did not see it as it was probably intended. This was not just an oversight, but a way of seeing that is intrinsically mine. Although I am not always able to feel this, I believe that alive or "dead" in our physical bodies means LIFE in God. Death is return to God and is welcome, just as life in the present world is. All day I kept thinking "neither death nor life separates us from God," and now here is that phrase in its Biblical context:

Romans 8:38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Since I deleted the cartoon on both those sites, I will put it back here to explain my mistake in its interpretation:
I originally posted it because I thought it showed that whether alive or dead, we live in God. Although I personally would not have had an abortion, I feel like they should be available; I have wondered before why people who believe in eternal life demonstrated by the risen Christ could not understand that aborted beings return to God. So, mistakenly, I thought this cartoon illustrated that.

From numerous FB comments, most especially from my two daughters in Seattle, I was forced to see that I did not understand the intent of the cartoonist. Not until one of those daughters told me that the woman was "smug" and the baby was "sad," did I even notice that!

This is showing me how we (I) interpret events (anything and everything) through lenses of belief. I did not realize until now how easy that is to do, without regard for the other viewpoint. I never even considered that that cartoon might be construed as criticism of Planned Parenthood (which I heartily endorse) or abortion. And now I feel stupid!

Serendipitously, the Wisdom Class meditation for yesterday describes what happened:

"What we believe about ourselves can hold us hostage. Over the years I have come to respect the power of people's beliefs. The thing that has amazed me is that a belief is more than just an idea--it seems to shift the way in which we actually experience ourselves and our lives. According to Talmudic teaching, "We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are." A belief is like a pair of sunglasses. When we wear a belief and look at life through it, it is difficult to convince ourselves that what we see is not real. . . . Sometimes because of our beliefs we may have never seen ourselves or life whole before. No matter. We can recognize life anyway. Our life force may not require us to strengthen it. We often just need to free it where it has gotten trapped in beliefs, attitudes, judgment, and shame."

-- Rachel Naomi Remen

I am grateful for new awarenesses revealed so that I may learn.

The Crime (or Need) of Extremism

"In that dramatic scene on Calvary's hill, three men were crucified. We must not forget that all three were crucified for the same crime--the crime of extremism. Two were extremists for immorality, and thusly fell below their environment. The other, Jesus Christ, was an extremist for love, truth and goodness, and thereby rose above his environment. So, maybe the South, the nation and the world are in dire need of creative extremists."

~~Dr. Martin Luther King

Source: Letter From Birmingham Jail (April 16, 1963)

From Inward/Outward. Subscribe here.

Spain Trip: Madrid (day 1)

I left for my visit to Spain and to see my youngest daughter MJ on Wednesday, March 30. I arrived in Madrid in the late morning of Thursday, March 31. Although I had stressed out about how to manage being alone in Madrid, the 10 hours on my own (until MJ arrived from Granada) went quite well. I took a taxi to my hotel; rested a little and then walked around on my own.

I walked through a shopping area, past the Opera House,
to (what I learned later was) the Presidential Palace.

This is a garden in front of the Presidential Palace.

Street signs in Madrid are on corners of buildings, made out of tiles.

MJ arrived at our hotel around 9 pm and then we went out to dinner at a tapas bar. I was introduced to Tinto de Verano, which became a nightly ritual for MJ and me.

• Tinto de Verano Red wine mixed with...
• ...Lemon Fanta (or equivalent) The most common and the nicest. To make sure you get this, ask for 'tinto con limon'.

We ate Tortilla Espanola together, which is a potato and egg omelette. I ate it a few other times, but this first one was the best of all!

No doubt about it, the Tortilla Espanola or Spanish Omelet is the most commonly served dish in Spain. It is also called Tortilla de Patata or Potato Omelet. Bars and cafés serve it as a tapa or appetizer, but it is often served as a light dinner in Spanish homes.

Easter Blessings!

Silly though it is, I like Peeps. However, the gelatinous-sugary ones will forever be diminished in my thoughts by some "homemade" ones that daughter AE gave to her dad to bring home to me last week. The sugar was noticeably grainier and the texture and taste of the marshmallows were much more tasty.

Today CB and I will be attending two church services, mostly because he sings in the choir, but also due to longing for the liturgy and community of All Saints Episcopal Church. The empty tomb and the assurance that "He is risen" are signs of eternal life for us all and how Love always connects us.

My Two Sons

BJ (26 years old) and DC (31 years old)
Houston, TX
April 16, 2011

Holy Saturday: The Space Between

Christine Valters Paintner writes of Holy Saturday as "The Space Between."

She starts off her article like this:

Don't surrender your loneliness so quickly.

Let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you as few human
Or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice so tender,
My need of God
Absolutely clear. ~ Hafiz

"Holy Week invites us into a world full of betrayal, abandonment, mockery, violence, and ultimately death. The Triduum, those three sacred days which constitute one unfolding liturgy, call us to experience communion, loss, and the border spaces of unknowing. Holy Saturday is an invitation to make a conscious passage through the liminal realm of in-between.

"I love the wide space of Holy Saturday that lingers between the suffering and death of Jesus on Friday and the vigil Saturday night proclaiming the return of the Easter fire. For me, Holy Saturday evokes much about the human condition—the ways we are called to let go of things or people, identities or securities and then wonder what will rise up out of the ashes of our lives. The suffering that we experience because of pain or grief or great sorrow and we don't know if we will ever grasp joy again. Much of our lives rest in that space between loss and hope. Our lives are full of Holy Saturday experiences.

"In their book The Last Week: What the Gospels Really Teach About Jesus's Final Days in Jerusalem, Marcus Borg and John Dominic Crossan write:

Easter completes the archetypal pattern at the center of the Christian life: death and resurrection, crucifixion and vindication. Both parts of this pattern are essential: death and resurrection, crucifixion and vindication. When one is emphasized over the other distortion is the result. The two must be affirmed equally.

"Before we rush to resurrection we must dwell fully in the space of unknowing, of holding death and life in tension with each other, to experience that liminal place so that we become familiar with its landscape and one day might accompany others who find themselves there and similarly disoriented. The wisdom of the Triduum is that we must be fully present to both the starkness of Friday and to the Saturday space between, before we can really experience the resurrection. We must know the terrible experience of loss wrought again and again in our world so that when the promise of new life dawns we can let it enter into us fully in the space carved by loss. As the great poet of Hafiz reminds us, we must let our loneliness "cut more deep" and "season" us, so that we are reminded of our absolute dependence on the Source of all."

Go HERE to read the rest of her piece on Holy Saturday, with these suggestions to try today:

"Much of our lives are spent in Holy Saturday places but we spend so much energy resisting, longing for resolution and closure. Our practice this day is to really enter into the liminal zone, to be present to it with every cell of our being.

"Make some time on Holy Saturday to sit with all of the paradoxes of life. Bring yourself as fully present as you can to the discomfort of the experience. Rest in the space of waiting and unknowing and resist trying to come up with neat answers or resolutions. Imagine yourself on a wild border or standing on a threshold, knowing that you cannot fully embrace what is on the other side until you have let this place shape and form your heart. When you notice your attention drifting or your mind starting to analyze, return to your breath and the present moment. Allow yourself to feel whatever arises in this space. Honor the mystery."

Good Friday and Earth Day

I urge you to look at the Stations of the Cross, one by one, at Episcopal Relief and Development,
which highlight the Millenium Development Goals.

Although I cannot copy the images, this is what is written about the first MDG station of the cross:

1--Condemned

50,000 people are sentence to die each day
because of extreme poverty.

Lord, help us to find the way of the cross to be
the way of life and justice and peace.

Holy God
Holy and Mighty
Holy Immortal One
Have mercy upon us

Also, there is Stations of the Cross from Latin American 1492-1992 by Adolpho Perez Esquivel of Argentina (Nobel Peace Prize Laureate, 1980), which highlights Liberation Theology.


Profoundly disturbing and moving images at both sites, which highlight the suffering and injustice in the world--as we contemplate both Good Friday and Earth Day today.

Our Lord of Flaked Paint

Our Lord of Flaked Paint freckling
sallow skin and emerald robes,

Our Lord of Mudpuddle Eyes
that look away in weary irritation,

no one can touch your loneliness,
God cut off from God.

You who flamed a world into being
with only words, stood

in the midst of bickering men,
fig trees dying, and sparrows

falling to the ground.
Were there days when heat and dust,

the smell of stale crowds
pushing you from place to place,

asking for one more resurrection,
food for thousands

or withered hands healed,
made you want to slash the canvas,

fly back to heaven and start fresh
on some new world far away?

Days where your head ached
from sun on sand and water,

where your throat scraped raw
from shouting Blessed are. . . to men

who would go home, forget, and return
to nail you to a piece of wood?

No one understood your stories,
could grasp that you would trade

legions of angels
for nine ungrateful lepers,

the friend who turned you in,
and never enough sleep.

Our Lord of Omnipotent Frustration
with your halo like a setting sun,

your hand is raised as if to bless me,
though I can't imagine why.

~~Jana-Lee Germaine

Christian Century, November 3, 2009.

And thank you to my friend Pam who brought this meditation to our most recent EFM class.

Gethsemane

Gethsemane
by Mary Oliver

The grass never sleeps.
Or the roses.
Nor does the lily have a secret eye that shuts until morning.

Jesus said, wait with me. But the disciples slept.

The cricket has such splendid fringe on its feet,
and it sings, have you noticed, with its whole body,
and heaven knows if it ever sleeps.

Jesus said, wait with me. And maybe the stars did, maybe
the wind wound itself into a silver tree, and didn’t move,
maybe,
the lake far away, where once he walked as on a
blue pavement,
lay still and waited, wild awake.

Oh the dear bodies, slumped and eye-shut, that could not
keep that vigil, how they must have wept,
so utterly human, knowing this too
must be a part of the story.

For more Holy Week Poems, visit Blue Eyed Ennis. Thank you, Philomena!

At a wedding

While husband CB was visiting his mother in WA, I went to a wedding in Houston. I sat with an old friend, father of one of my oldest son's friends, at the wedding reception. Various people took our picture together, almost like we were a "couple." The basic commonality was our white hair!

Friday Five: Birthdays

April is a month of family birthdays for me: Today is my mother-in-law's 80th birthday and on Sunday my third child's 26th birthday, so I am thinking about birthdays. Easter would have been my mother's 93rd birthday, but she died when she was only 72 years old.

I love to celebrate birthdays, but I know others don't like to as much. My second child doesn't care about birthdays that much.

How about you? What do you think of birthdays?

1. What are your feelings about celebrating birthdays, especially your own?
I LOVE birthdays. I love preparing for them, especially food and presents and/or cards.

2. Do you have any family traditions about birthdays?
Food plays a large part in our family traditions:

• Husband CB has made me a birthday cake every year since he was in graduate school at Oregon State University in the 1970's--the best cheesecake I have ever eaten; the recipe is here.

• Ever since 1980, I have made my friend Lisa's birthday cake every year--a carrot cake. I started because I was so disappointed to find out that her husband gave her a watermelon that year for her birthday (though now I know that Lisa loves watermelon, too).

• When I had my four children at home, each one could choose breakfast and dinner menus for birthdays, as well as which cake would be baked. Oldest son, DC, always made the most complicated requests--different recipes for the cake, the filling, and the icing!
  

3. Is it easy to remember friends' and family members' birthdays? If so, how do you do it?
It is important for me to remember people's birthdays. Every New Year, I write the names of friends and family on their special dates of my new calendar. It's also easy now that FB posts friends' birthdays.

4. What was one of your favorite birthdays? (or your unhappiest?)
For my ninth birthday, while my dad was stationed at Camp Pendleton, CA, my parents took me to Disneyland for the first time.

My mother planned a surprise birthday party for my 10th birthday, but I was at my best friend's house when she received the invitation. I still remember looking over her shoulder as she read the instructions of "keep the secret." AND I kept that secret all my life, never telling my mother I was not surprised.

5. Post anything else you want to share about birthdays, including favorite foods, songs, and/or pictures.

Uncle BJ and 4 1/2 month old Avery

This Sunday is BJ's birthday. While husband CB is in Seattle visiting his mother for her 80th birthday, I am going to drive to Houston for BJ's birthday.

Breath Breaks

With more awareness we may discover
that small gaps in our daily round
can be places of silence. These are the found times
or rather the moments in which we ourselves are found.

Mostly they come when we are waiting:
in the doctor's office, on the telephone,
in traffic jams and the checkout line.

In just those moments we have an opportunity
to turn our attention to our physical being,
to the rhythm of our breath,
to the texture and feel of things around us.

By noticing particulars we can also begin
to notice the space in which they are held. . .
the vastness that holds everything--
the great lap of silence.

These waiting moments in our daily round
can turn out to be treasures. We can allow them
to support us instead of distracting us
or blocking us.

Here in each day is a wealth of time
we can take advantage of. They are breath breaks.
If we learn to rest and renew in them
our lives will go from disconnection and haste
to breathtaking presence.

~~Gunilla Norris

Norris, Gunilla. Inviting Silence. NY: BlueBridge, 2004. 21-22.

This prayer is also posted at A Place for Prayer today. Please visit this ministry blog of RevGalBlogPals.

Tree in Spain

I got this picture off my Ipod Touch, so I believe I took it as MJ and I walked to the bus station from our hotel in Sevilla. MJ was pulling my big suitcase, which was brought so that I could take back her winter clothes, leaving her more room in her suitcase for coming home on the last day of May.

Here is MJ on our walk to the bus station
on Sunday, April 10 in Sevilla.

I'm home from Spain!

MJ and Jan at the Alcazar in Sevilla, Spain

MJ posted this picture of us on FB, so it is easy for me to put it here before I even download all my pictures from Spain. I got home at midnight after a very long day of flights delayed, etc. Lots of eating to pass the time both in Spain and on the flight home, so it is definitely a new day in nutrition back in the USA!

I am glad to be home and am washing clothes to hang out on the clothesline before I go to this morning's Wisdom Class. However, I have no idea what I asked the class members to read in The Case for God by Karen Armstrong!

God sets all FREE!

As smoke is blown away
and wax melts in the fire,
racism and oppression
disappear before the face of God.
The oppressed and trampled down
are set free in God's presence.
They rejoice and shout with joy.

~~Zephania Kameeta, Namibia

Kameeta, Zephania. Women's Prayer Services. Ed. Iben Gjerding and Katherin Kinnamon. Mystic, Conn.: World Council of Churchs, 1988. 39.

No going back

No, no, there is no going back.
Less and less you are
that possibility you were.
More and more you have become
those lives and deaths
that have belonged to you.

You have become a sort of grave
containing much that was
and is in no more time, beloved
then, now, and always.
And so you have become a sort of tree
standing over the grave.

~~Wendell Berry

Go here to read the rest of the poem.

The Bright Field

I have seen the sun break through

to illuminate a small field

for a while, and gone my way

and forgotten it. But that was the pearl

of great price, the one field that had

the treasure in it. I realize now

that I must give all that I have

to possess it. Life is not hurrying

on to a receding future, nor hankering after

an imagined past. It is the turning

aside like Moses to the miracle

of the lit bush, to a brightness

that seemed as transitory as your youth

once, but is the eternity that awaits you.

~~R. S. Thomas

Be careful what you wish for!

The Fairy:

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60^th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

My prayers are lifeless

Lord, at the moment you do not seem real to me. My prayers are lifeless, and my spirit feels numb. Help me to persevere when faith seems absent, in the certainty that you are with me in the darkness and your light is at the end of the tunnel. Renew my bruised spirit with your love, and help me to rest in you. In the name of Jesus, my Saviour.

~~Mary Rose de Lisle

de Lisle, Mary Rose. The Book of a Thousand Prayers. Ed. Angela Ashwin. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 2002. 121-122.

Cliff Edge

"Come to the edge."

"We can't. We're afraid."

"Come to the edge."

"We can't. We will fall!"

"Come to the edge."

And they came.

And he pushed them.


And they flew.

~~Guillaume Apollinaire
French Poet, 1880-1918

Granada!

Spain is wonderful, especially with my daughter MJ! We took a 5-hour bus ride from Madrid to Granada on Sunday. Since the Granada hotel has no internet, I am using MJ's laptop at her IES school. Thus, with limited time and access, I am going to post random bullets about the trip so far:

• Much walking--thankfully, for the steroid that eliminates the pain. Toledo and Granada have hills, hills, hills. Maybe all the walking will counteract all my eating.

• This afternoon MJ took me for a 2-hour walk around the Moorish quarter, which was up and down cobblestone and rock ways. It was amazing to see remnants of the Moorish walls from the 11th century.

• On our walk, my camera died! MJ suggested that it's better NOT to have a camera, because then, we pay more attention to the scenery. Interesting thought, which I will take into consideration with this "sign" of camera battery depletion.

• The meals seem to be very carnivore-laden, especially with ham (jamon). The only fruit I have eaten has been bought at a supermarket in a department store in Madrid, but today no fruit or vegetables yet, even though it is 6:30 pm.

• I've read one book and have started another. "Cutting for Stone" is over 600 pages long and is definitely worth getting to read! It only gets better as one reads along. I downloaded that new book about witches and vampires when I was at the DFW airport, which I am reading now. (I'm not proficient enough to connect to Amazon or even italicize with this little laptop, for which I am still very grateful for.)

• Tonight we're going to see flamenco dancers.

• MJ has full days of classes on Tuesday and Wednesday, so I'll be on my own for much of the time. Tomorrow is dedicated to the Alhambra, with a visit at night to the summer palace with MJ.

• On Thursday, after MJ's classes, we will take a bus to Sevilla.
  

• I'll be excited to post pictures, but winnowing them down will be difficult. That will be after I return home on April 11/12.

Help me, Lord

Lord of healing
Lord of my darkest place:
Let in your light.

Lord of my greatest fear:
Let in your peace.

Lord of my most bitter shame:
Let in your word of grace.

Lord of my oldest grudge:
Let in your forgiveness.

Lord of my deepest anger:
Let it out.

Lord of my loneliest moment:
Let in your presence.

Lord of my truest self--my all:
Let in your wholeness.

~~Alison Pepper

Pepper, Alison. The Book of a Thousand Prayers. Ed. Angela Ashwin. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 2002. 117.

Darkness

"Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand
that this too, was a gift."

~~Mary Oliver
"The Uses of Sorrow"
in Thirst: Beacon Press 2006

Grain of Hope

I have a small grain of hope--
one small crystal that gleams
clear colors out of transparency.

I need more.

I break off a fragment
to send to you.

Please take
this grain of a grain of hope
so that mine won't shrink.

Please share your fragment
so that yours will grow.

Only so, by division,
will hope increase,

like a clump of irises, which will cease to flower
unless you distribute
the clustered roots, unlikely source--
clumsy and earth-covered--
of grace.

~~Denise Levertov

Keep Walking

Keep walking, though there is no place to get to.

Don't try to see through the distances. That's not for human beings.

Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.

~~Rumi

Madrid!

I am here in sunny and warm Madrid. My plane left DFW last night two hours later than scheduled, because they had to replace the aircraft. 9 1/2 hours later we landed in Madrid! I learned that an aisle seat by the window is not a good place to sit, because each seat has a box under it so that the one sitting there has only half the leg room. Oh, well, I made it! The Madrid airport is spacious and very big. I felt like I was walking up and down innumerable stairways before going on a tram and then more stairs before getting to the baggage claim and customs. All went well and I easily found a quiet taxi driver to get me to my hotel in central ("centro") Madrid, which has all-pedestrian traffic. This afternoon I ventured out on my own and did not get lost. I found the Royal Palace by accident and also my way back to the hotel, where I am right now. I am at one of the two computers in the lobby, where 5-6 kids are also congregated. I believe that MJ is on the bus (5-hour bus ride) here from Granada. She will join me sometime this evening. Yay! (I haven´t figured out how to log onto FB with this computer, so I´m glad I could get to my blog.)

Voice of Depression

I know the voice of depression
Still calls to you.

I know those habits that can ruin your life
Still send their invitations.

But you are with the Friend now
And look so much stronger.

You can stay that way
And even bloom!

~~Hafiz

HOPE

Free e-card from Gratefulness.org
Photo: Jon Sullivan, PDPhoto.org
Design: Patricia Carlson

I am going to pre-post quotes, poems and thoughts about HOPE while I am in Spain visiting my youngest daughter MJ: March 30-April 11.

I will try to periodically post about my trip, but am not sure about access to computers. It is a tiny screen on my Ipod Touch to try to write on my blog from there; that must be why daughter MJ rarely writes on her blog about Spain!

Spring in Corpus Christi, Texas

Bright, bright green leaves on the mesquite trees herald spring here.

Spring in south Texas is short and sweet; it is almost over already. The temperatures are so much like summer-days in Bellingham, WA that I feel deja vu. But now the humidity keeps rising, as do the temperatures; sadly, few cold fronts are getting through--soon they won't at all.

So before going to Spain tomorrow, I wanted to post some Texas spring pictures, which I have now deleted from my camera (along with Avery's) so I'll have a lot of room for all the images I record in Spain!

New green leaves on my live oak tree 2010 Christmas present from my kids!

Another sign of spring here is live oak pollen.
It piles up on roads, sidewalks, driveways, and
other places like the angel statue friends gave me for my 50th birthday.

My Christmas poinsettia is also going to be my "Easter poinsettia."

Soon it will be too hot for pansies to grow here.
They are spring/winter plants in south Texas.

Maisie excitedly looks for birds and squirrels,
as well as geckos in the other direction.

CB's tomato plants, which are the new ones, proteced by two fences.
Maisie kept digging them up.

On My Way!

Wednesday afternoon I board a plane that will take me to DFW and then to Madrid, Spain! Thursday morning, March 31, I will arrive in Madrid--on my adventure by myself until MJ arrives that evening. Our schedule will be something like the following, which I hope to give details to while I am there.

Madrid: Thursday, March 31, with a trip to

Toledo: Saturday April 2, then back to Madrid, leaving for

Granada: Sunday April 3. This is where MJ goes to school and we will stay in Granada for the next four days. While she goes to classes, I will explore and then do things with her when she is free. Then we'll go to

Sevilla: Thursday, April 7. We'll see and learn about Sevilla until we both go our separate ways on Sunday, April 10--MJ back to Granada and me back to

Madrid: (again alone). Sunday, April 10, leaving the next morning for a return to Texas.

Hymn to the Mother of Hope

You are a breath of calm
amidst the waves of the ocean
Light upon light in my being
Renewal of devotion
Dark as the new-moon mountain night
Infused with the radiance of stars
Love upon love to my center flows
From the Center who You are.

You are the Winter’s sacred, inward-turning, secret light
The birthing time of Spring
The fertile ground of Summer’s might
Letting go in transmutation
As Autumn’s nights grow long again
Yet You remain, Eternal One,
Without beginning, without end.

You are the Mother of Hope in a time of disillusion
Wise beyond wise yet a child
Undefiled, without confusion
Constellations dance in awe
And harmonies reach us from afar
All celebrating with pure joy
The strong Compassion who you are.

- Patricia Campbell Carlson

Found here.

Friday Five: Spiritual Practices

Mary Beth brings this Friday Five to RevGalBlogPals, and it is right up my alley, because of the big influence Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline has had on my life, which I wrote about in 2007 here. That book was a big jumping off spot for discovering spiritual disciplines and books, books, books!

Mary Beth writes: "My Sunday school class has hit the "pause" button on our study of First Corinthians and is spending Lent on Richard J. Foster's classic Celebration of Discipline. I have had this wonderful and very readable book on my shelf, along with the study guide for it, for years, but have never discussed it with a group.

"For today's Friday Five, please share with us five spiritual practices or disciplines from your experience. They can be ones that you have tried and kept up with, tried and NOT kept up with, ones that you flirt with at various times, or even practices that you have tried and found are definitely NOT your cup of tea. Let us know what's worked for you...and not."

1. Lectio Divina: God spurred me on to try Lectio Divina in small groups in the mid-1990's, thanks to books I found in the bibliography of Celebration of Discipline. There were several attempts that were not "quite right" until I heard Marjorie Thompson at a retreat where she put us in small groups to try out a method she had based upon Norvene Vest's Gathered in the Word: Praying the Scripture in Small Groups. In 1997, I started a Lectio Divina group at First United Methodist Church, which still meets weekly! (I still facilitate it, too.)

For some years, I berated myself for not practicing Lectio Divina on my own--every day! Suddenly awhile ago, I realized that this is a discipline--once a week!

(If anyone would like the form we use, I have adapted it from the above method. Email me, and I will send you a copy..)

2. Prayer: Just today a friend quoted Mother Teresa about praying--"Everything starts from prayer." I believe that and slowly have grown into more regular disciplines of prayer over the years.

The practice of Christ Centered Prayer and the repeated teaching that prayer is God's prayer and God is the one who grows it--have brought forth a daily practice of meditation.

I judged myself too harshly for not "doing enough" prayer (or any other practice), which did not spur me on to do anymore. This preoccupation with self in criticism has become the focus of a "fasting" discipline for me.

3. Fasting: The above mention of fasting will get me to list it here, as something I have not done well connected with food. A long-time friend fasted for years two days a week by not eating breakfast or lunch and breaking the fast at 3 pm. I never could even do that.

Fasting is the elimination of something in one's life and replacing the space with God. So in a way, that occurs when asking God to help me eliminate some action--going back to #2 (prayer), especially in the Power Prayer: "No power. God is."

4. Books: Books and learning have been an integral way for me to learn about God, myself, and grow in the Spirit. So often I have felt guided by a "teacher," something I desire(d) so much.

(Purple recommends some spiritual books here.)

5. Small Groups: Small groups nurture my spirit, emotionally and spiritually. This category also includes classes and retreats (and blogging!), which do the same. I am grateful that I was asked to lead the weekly "Wisdom Class at All Saints Episcopal Church in 2005; the weekly commitment has grown me in confidence, learning, and love.

~~~
I am surprised at how a spiritual practice/discipline may be an effort at first, but grows into a way of life. Some of the activities above prove to be disciplines because of their longevity, which I did not notice too readily. The goal is not the practice, but the Divine--and slowly I know more and more that everything comes from prayer/Our Source.

Thankful Thursday

After reading two thankful posts by blogging friends (Anne and The Bug), I feel impelled to express my gratitude, too.

When my husband visited our family doctor for a routine appointment, he used his cell phone so the doctor could immediately talk to me! That was much better than waiting around for Dr. S. to return my phone call, which is understandable but time-consuming. He wrote an additional prescription for Prednisone, while telling me how much I can safely take in Spain. (Yay!) But the really good news is that I can increase my daily dose up to an entire pill (10 mg.), since the pain, swelling, etc. are not totally eliminated by the half-dose.

I am hoping this will improve my life, as the worst part of the "non-specific arthritic" pain has been in my right hand and wrist lately, so much that it has been difficult to write with a pen and even limits my time typing on the computer. That has greatly diminished my blogging time, both posting and reading (or commenting) other blogs.

I am thankful for this today and for the future better-well-being.

Uncomplaining Life

from here

The Apple Orchard

Come let us watch the sun go down
and walk in twilight through the orchard's green.
Does it not seem as if we had for long
collected, saved and harbored within us
old memories? To find releases and seek
new hopes, remembering half-forgotten joys,
mingled with darkness coming from within,
as we randomly voice our thoughts aloud
wandering beneath these harvest-laden trees
reminiscent of Durer woodcuts, branches
which, bent under the fully ripened fruit,
wait patiently, trying to outlast, to
serve another season's hundred days of toil,
straining, uncomplaining, by not breaking
but succeeding, even though the burden
should at times seem almost past endurance.
Not to falter! Not to be found wanting!

Thus must it be, when willingly you strive
throughout a long and uncomplaining life,
committed to one goal: to give yourself!
And silently to grow and to bear fruit.

~ Rainer Maria Rilke ~

(Rainer Maria Rilke: Selected Poems, trans. by Albert Ernest Flemming)

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Learning (or leaning) to Sit

Here is the latest picture of Avery that son DC sent yesterday. She has grown since we last saw her.

With my trip to Spain, we won't see Avery again for another month or more. My, how big (and talented) she will be by then!

Yearning

I think I entitled my blog "Yearning for God," because of the longing I have felt in my heart off and on for years--the desire to know God. Sometimes this has been felt as a physical yearning, which I now realize was my heart center always pulling me within, though I did not know what it meant for years.

Since my mother's death in 1992, I sought God--mostly through books, attending church and some prayer. This journey is described in my Faith Story. However, it is only in the past two years that I learned that the location of the longing is my heart center.

Thanks to the Rev. Sandy Casey-Martus coming to All Saints Episcopal Church, I learned how to meditate through the practice of Christ Centered Prayer. Synchronistically, I marked her beginning at All Saints at a retreat and ended her tenure there with another retreat with her this past weekend. Yesterday was Sandy's last day as rector at All Saints.

Due to her departure, Mary and I will be leading the two regularly-scheduled Christ Centered Prayer classes/groups on Monday evenings and Thursdays at noon. Tonight was the first time I was in charge; there were five of us, all of whom had attended the recent retreat. I am pleased to report that the Spirit confirmed the Divine Presence during our meditation time together.

One of the topics we discussed after praying was "Longing." From Sandy and Carla's book The Lessons:

"Longing is the inner yearning for that which you are. It is the longing within your heart to know the mystery of God."

Reading this tonight reminded me of all the times I felt that yearning within me. I am grateful that the teacher appeared when I needed one, so that I learned to practice and be committed to the practice of Christ Centered Prayer, which is somewhat similar to Centering Prayer but with no word or mantra.

"Longing prompts you to seek, investigate, ponder, and walk a spiritual path.

"It is an unidentified longing that may turn you in the direction of your inner reality with the help of the Christ Centered Prayer practice."

Casey-Martus, Sandy and Mancari, Carla. The Lessons: How to Understand Spiritual Principles, Spiritual Activities, and Rising Emotions. Tucson: Wheatmark, 2008. 128.