In great sadness

A certain brother came to Abbot Poemen and said: What ought I to do, father? I am in great sadness. The elder said to him: Never despise anybody, never condemn anybody, never speak evil of anyone, and the Lord will give you peace.

--Verba Seniorum [Words of the Elders], written in Greek about the early Christian hermits of the Middle East, translated into Latin in the mid-500s. From Wisdom of the Desert (pub.1960), tr. by Thomas Merton (1915-1968).

I am in great sadness, too, because we have officially been told at our church that our former priest, who had served for 17 years here, has renounced his orders in the Episcopal Church and has been deposed by the Bishop of Atlanta. A better writer than I eloquently described the situation on his blog.

It is a complicated story, which is still being revealed. I was privileged to hear the story this afternoon in a group setting. I am grieved to hear what went on. I am very sad. Even as I realize that this priest served our parish, community, and more specifically me in many healing, teaching, and preaching ways, I see that he was more flawed than we ever saw. He really helped me learn to trust men, and now I am wrestling with the contradictions of that connected to this.

This weekend starts the healing and full-disclosure. On Saturday our bishop will have a meeting with all the church that comes to the gathering, for questions, remarks, and any thing that arises. Another bishop will preach on Sunday.

Unfortunately (or maybe serendipitously), I will be not in attendance at any of these events. Tomorrow I am going to San Antonio to hear Richard Rohr and Joan Chittister speak. I am going with a friend, because on Saturday my husband has to pick me up so we can drive on to Austin for an afternoon wedding.

Believing in ourselves

" We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit."

~~e.e. cummings

Thanks to Catherine for sending this quote to me. Plus, e.e. cummings is one of my favorite poets.

Cell phone confusion

For the past hour or more husband CB has been changing and learning about the new family cell phone plan that our two daughters and he and I have together. Getting five "favorites" is a new and risky experience for us older people!

Construction Layoffs (personal)

On Feb. 17, I started to write about my son DC's job as an assistant construction supervisor of a large apartment complex in Austin, TX, but I never finished it. That was the day that they learned that their large company was closing down all construction projects in Austin and Houston. DC learned that he would lose his job this September, when the project would be finished. (If you go back here, you can see a picture of an example of what he builds.)

Today he learned that their last day of work will be JUNE 24, whether the construction is done or not. (Totally unrelated to this is that the date was my dad's birthday.) Luckily, DC's wife AA has a good job that looks secure.

Rumors and fears are circulating: A friend told me about a luxury condo project being built on Broadway in San Antonio--it has gone up 14 floors, with the goal of 33. All construction is now stopped. The building will be sealed off until the economy improves. Mike in TX set me straight on this project, but told of another one that is failing in SA in the comments here.

It has taken awhile for the effects of the economic downturn to get to Texas.

Plus, there have been four cases of swine flu in our county (Nueces). We're not far from Mexico! There are six confirmed cases in the state of Texas.

Doubt

Doubt has come to mind, which caused me to remember Frederick Buechner's writings on doubt. I always loved him saying, "Doubts are the ants in the pants of faith." I think that's true, though doubts are sometimes even more uncomfortable than that.I think doubt is part of faith. Faith doesn't grow unless there are doubts. I still have them and can if I stay in my head intellectualizing; but in my heart, I know there is God. It is a knowing beyond explanation and makes my life better. The title of my blog tells how I feel regarding all this--"yearning for God." (If you want to read my faith story, go here.)

So here are Buechner's words about doubt from his collection of readings, Beyond Words:

"Whether your faith is that there is a God or that there is not a God, if you don't have any doubts, you are either kidding yourself or asleep. Doubts are the ants in the pants of faith. They keep it awake and moving.

"There are two principal kinds of doubt, one of the head and the other of the stomach.

"In my head there is almost nothing I can't doubt when the fit is upon me--the divinity of Christ, the efficacy of the sacraments, the significance of the church, the existence of God. But even when I am at my most skeptical, I go on with my life as though untoward has happened.

"I have never experienced stomach doubt, but I think Jesus did. When he cried, 'My God, my God, why has though forsaken me!' I don't think he was raising a theological issue any more than he was quoting Psalm 22. I think he had looked into the abyss itself and found there a darkness that spiritually, viscerally, totally engulfed him. I think God allows that kind of darkness to happen only to God's saints. The rest of us aren't up to doubting that way--or maybe believing that way either.

"When our faith is strongest, we believe with our hearts as well as with our heads, but only at a few rare moments, I think, do we feel in our stomachs what it must be like to be engulfed by light." (85-86)

Buechener, Frederick. Beyond Words: Daily Readings in the ABC's of Faith. San Francisco: HarperCollins, 2004.

I love the way he expresses himself. All of the above tells about doubts I've had in the past and which I'll probably have in the future, too. Still, I go on "walking the walk" with friends and rediscovering the Holy is HERE more often than not.

Bury me in the library!

Please bury me in the library

In the clean, well-lighted stacks

Of Novels, History, Poetry,

Right next to the Paperbacks.

Where the Kids' Books dance

With True Romance

And the Dictionary dozes.

Please bury me in the library

With a dozen long-stemmed proses.

Way back by a rack of Magazines,

I won't be sad too often

If they bury me in the library

With Book worms in my coffin.

J. Patrick Lewis

Thank you to Diane Vogel Ferri at Coexist.

Friday Five: Bucket List

Singing Owl at RevGalBlogPals writes:

I wrote this Friday Five a while back but was unable to post it. Just saying, so you know I am not ill! :-) Actually I am heading out of town and will not be able to read your posts till sometime early next week, but I'll do so then. Have fun, and don't think too hard about this one. I figured we were due for some fun after Lent and Good Friday and Easter and all that churchy stuff!

Four days of being mostly in bed with a really bad case of flu (do not worry--I will give no detail) has me pondering the fragility of life. LOL! Death, however, has been cheated in my case and I am up and taking nourishment. In that vein of thought, do you have a "Bucket List"? In other words, from the movie of the same name, five things you want to see, do, accomplish, etc. before you kick the bucket?

1. Spend summers in Bellingham, WA and the rest of the year here in Corpus Christi, TX.

I own my parents' home in Bellingham, which has been rented out since 2002 when my dad died. Since my husband is also from Bellingham, we talk about doing this but do nothing more. To do that, we'd probably have to sell our home here and get a much smaller domicile or a condo. . . .

2. I'd love to go on the National Geographic tour of Antarctica. Probably other expeditions, too!

3. More within my means, would be Elderhostel trips, which I'm not sure that CB would like at all. Maybe I can do this with friends someday! (Can't you tell that in 1 1/2 years I'll be 60??) And I've also always wanted to go to Pendle Hill.

4. Take art classes and discover where creativity lurks within me!

5. Research and record about my ancestors; learn more about my family, which is somewhat difficult since I'm an only child and my parents are dead. (And my dad was also an only child, and my mother had only one sibling.)

Is he imprisoned or are we?

Christ of Maryknoll
by Br. Robert Lentz, OFM

"The icon does not make clear which side of the fence Christ is on. Is he imprisoned or are we? Through our cultural institutions and personal lives we all place barriers between ourselves and true happiness. We and our institutions also try to imprison Christ in various ways, to tame him and the dangerous memories he would bring us of our goals and ideals. on does not make clear which side of the fence Christ is on. Is he imprisoned or are we? Through our cultural institutions and personal lives we all place barriers between ourselves and true happiness. We and our institutions also try to imprison Christ in various ways, to tame him and the dangerous memories he would bring us of our goals and ideals."

I first saw this icon at a Shalem gathering. It has not left my mind, especially after reading what the artist, Br. Robert Lentz, wrote about it (above). The question haunts me: Is he imprisoned or are we?

There is a book with many of his icons entitled Christ in the Margins, which is by Edwina Gately and Robert Lentz. It is a beautiful book and has the Christ with barbed wire on its cover.

Record High Today

Corpus Christi, TX had a record high temperature of 96 degrees F. today. Supposedly the "normal" high temperature for this date is 82 degrees F. I would much prefer the latter temp. Yuck, and it is till April. This does not bode well for our "spring" here--or the SUMMER either.

Two friends were at Lebh Shomea for a few days and said that it is brown and dry there. Father Kelly told them that the wild animals, such as javelinas, deer, and turkeys, are dying from lack of water and malnutrition. There really is a drought in Texas.

**There is the U. S. Drought Monitor here. The map shows the drought (or not) conditions in all parts of the USA.

Surprise!

This is when Beverly, the creator of my quilt, gave it to me in the church library yesterday.

Prayer for Earth Day (and every day)

You are the One who has brought our Lord Jesus Christ
again to life from the dead;
You are the One who by your summoning imperative
has caused the worlds to be;
You are the One who by your faithfulness
has given a son to our vexed mother Hannah;
You are the One who has the will and power to begin again,
to start anew.

You are the only self-starter whose name we know.
And so we bid you, start again,
start here, start now,
start with us and with our school (church, city, country. .),
start with your mercy,
and with your justice,
and with your compassion,
and with your peace.
Make the world new again, and young again, and innocent again. . .
Start. . . before it is too late.
Amen.
On reading I Samuel 1 on Feb. 4, 1999

Brueggemann, Walter. Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth: Prayers of Walter Brueggemann. Ed. Edwin Searcy. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 2003. 111.

My Quilt!

Today in the Wisdom Class, our church office administrator and my friend, Beverly, came into the church library where we were meeting with a quilt. She unfolded it and told us the story of its creation, and how it grew before her very eyes. Beverly is renown for her quilts; she creates them for her family and for each new rector of All Saints Episcopal Church.

Another friend MB ordered one from Beverly, which turned out vibrantly beautiful. MB has it hanging on a wall in her home. That got me wishing for one of my own, but they're very expensive! So back in January, I decided to start saving all my $5 bills so that in a few years I could get my own quilt.

But today Beverly presented me with this African one! She said that months ago she decided to do this and called and asked husband CB what my favorite color is (green) and something about me--that I went to Zambia in 2006. And this was the result. You can see that the back is as beautiful as the front!

That was such a huge surprise! I never suspected anything while Beverly was talking about it in our class for Walter Wink's book The Powers That Be. Suddenly she handed it to me and gave me an invoice for $5!!

Someone in the class said it should be called "Jan's Joy," but Beverly named it "Rain Dance." On the label she wrote from the Australian Yearly Meeting:

"Even in times of drought, the wellspring of the spirit knows no restrictions."

We are in a drought here, so we need rain. Plus, we're getting to summer weather: 80-90F/78 F each day. The title of the quilt reminded me of the scripture I chose as the theme of the Emmaus Walk I was Lay Director for in JULY 2001:

Blessed are those who trust in the Lord,
whose trust is the Lord.
They shall be like a tree planted by water,
sending out its roots by the stream.
It shall not fear when heat comes,
and its leaves shall stay green;
In the year of drought it is not anxious,
and it does not cease to bear fruit.
~~Jeremiah 17:7-8

This quilt will remind me of friendship, the Wisdom Class, how I love rain (I'm from WA State, after all), the Emmaus Walk when I was Lay Director, and my trip to Zambia. What a celebration!

Creativity or not?

I remember how excited I was to learn about perspective in drawing in fourth grade (when I was in third grade in a combination 3/4 class, but in reality I skipped fourth grade). That's probably the last time I was given any form of an art lesson. Sometime in the intervening years, I came to believe that I was (and am) totally uncreative.

In the past few years people have come into my life who have been gently encouraging me to try something in art, though I have not. The same friend who recommended the book Autumn Gospel gave me a book on creativity several years ago, which I keep putting off for a "better time": The Creativity Book: A Year's Worth of Inspiration and Guidance. MJF said that that book helped her to find her own creativity. Just recently, she suggested that she could show me what she knows about photography. . . .

Today at our local HEB supermarket, I met an Emmaus Walk friend from years ago. We barely recognized each other, since both of us have whiter hair now. She retired since I last saw her and is taking care of her ill daughter and 6-year-old grandson. In her spare time she is taking a watercolor class at the local community college. That interested me, and then she told me she had to take many elementary courses before this one--that were required first. And she told me that the art community at the junior college is nurturing and caring. WOW--sounds wonderful! She also told me that she needed courses with deadlines so she'd do the projects, and that is how I work best.

And friend TK has made a place for me at her art table to help me explore art. She paints and sculpts. She is actually ready for me to try.

Looking at the daffodil Ruth drew and posted at her blog Ruth's Visions and Revisions, I was connected with her creative drive in work (writing) and in her personal life (The Artist's Way) to see that it might also be a possibility for me. Doxy wrote in the comments that her grandfather always promised "to do that" when he retired, but then was unable to because he had dementia. Doesn't this somehow speak about living in the present moment??

So maybe I need to take a hint and accept one of these invitations. It's a little scary, as I feel totally inept. . . .and need to write those papers I mention in my profile. . . . But this is more of a possibility than I thought before. . . .

by Bob Seal

Be our primary disease

Be our primary disease,
and infect us with your justice;
Be our night visitor,
and haunt us with your peace;
Be our moth that consumes,
and eat away at our unfreedom.
Be our primary disease,
our night visitor,
our moth
infect, haunt, eat away. . .
Until we are toward you and with you and for you,
away from our injustice,
our anti-peace,
our unfreedom.
More like you and less like your resistance.
In the name of the one most like you,
most with you,
most for you. . . even Jesus.
Amen.

~~Walter Brueggemann, Prayer in Class: January 20, 1998

Brueggemann, Walter. Ed. Edwin Searcy. Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth: Prayers of Walter Brueggemann. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 2003. 99.

Age

Yesterday was my third child BJ's birthday. He is now 24.

My oldest son DC will be 30 this summer, and my youngest child MJ will be 20 in November. (So as not to leave out a child, AE is 27.)

I remember when I was 24, my husband and I moved from VA to OR so that CB could go to graduate school at Oregon State University in Corvallis. We lived in married student housing, and I taught 2nd and 2nd-3rd grades in Eddyville, where the entire school had 250 kids for grades K-12. It was a happy time. And now BJ is that same age.

Then I wonder if I'll even be alive in 24 years. Neither of my parents lived to be 80 years old. Will I? In 24 years I would/could be almost 82.

I'm not really worried about dying. It just seems closer as I edge nearer to the age of 60. Maybe I am also more aware of it as I stopped dyeing my hair (last year) and it is going whiter. (See in the Easter pictures.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've also been reading Autumn Gospel: Women in the Second Half of Life by Kathleen Fischer. I had been averse to reading it, probably due to its title, until a friend called me up and read some quotes from it. Then I had to get the book!

Here is how I so often feel these days:

"The novelist Isabel Allende explains this shift after turning fifty: 'I don't have any time to waste. I don't have time for gossip or greed or revenge or undirected anger.' She says she is concentrating on the basics, which have to do with love." (32)

We're called to "Come Home"

Today my dear friend TK read to me something our new priest Sandy sang to us at a Lenten service, which is in her book The Lessons:

"Clothed in brilliant white, face unseen yet known.
Tall in splendor knowing, He says to me,
'Come home.'
From deep within His being, He gently beckons me,
'Let go of all your sorrows. Come in me and find your peace.'
One moment, Lord. I close my eyes, I need to go within.
A second to reflect, I thought, before I can begin.
Time then stopped in stillness. How long I cannot say.
Lost somewhere within His love my Lord in me did pray.
What of our encounter, Lord?
You know we never had our chat.
'Hush, my child. Be still. Can't you see? It's over just like that.'
But Lord, it was too easy, to forget myself in thee.
I wanted to tell you all there was.
But you only wanted me."

Casey-Martus, Sandy and Carla R. Mancari. The Lessons: How to Understand Spiritual Principles, Spiritual Activities, and Rising Emotions. Tucson, Arizona: Wheatmark, 2008. 161.

This was the essence of a mystical experience Sandy had, which she writes more about in this book. This is what she teaches us about prayer--letting go to God, with no expectations of oneself or of the Holy One.

Friday Five: Household Appliances

Sally at RevGalBlogPals wrote about household appliances, maybe because those of us not on the BIG trip of RevGals are in the kitchen or household more than desired.
So being in a domestic frame of mind I thought I'd ask;
1. What is the one appliance you simply couldn't be without?
Microwave or dishwasher.

When we used to visit my grandmother in Arkansas, it would take SO long to heat up any leftovers without a microwave. I love leftovers, and so the microwave is very handy. (Most recently for the ham bone and vegetable soup I made on Wednesday, which we're still warming up in the microwave.)

2. What if anything would you happily give up?
It was fun at first, but now seems like too much trouble to take the panini maker out of the cupboard.

3. What is the most strangest household appliance you own?
Probably our garbage disposal, because hardly anything can be put down it! Because of a bend in the pipes below the house, stuff gets stuck there so the gunk backs up into the sink. So most debris has to be thrown into the trash can instead of the sink. I'm always amazed when I visit people who put eggs, lettuce, and carrot ends into the disposal, because I cannot.

4. What is the most luxurious household appliance you own?
Probably the breadmaker that I never use. After looking at Sally's Friday Five, I realize I need to be using it!

My problem is that I love homemade bread with lots of butter on it.

5. Tell us about your dream kitchen- the sky is the limit here....
Yesterday I visited a friend whose entire house was remodeled. Her kitchen with granite counters and streamlined stainless steel appliances was beautiful.

My husband CB is remodeling his second house on our street. His kitchens have granite counter tops, stainless steel appliances, and light maple cupboards. I'd like one of them.

However, I got a new kitchen way back when we moved into this house in 1994, and I cannot complain. I have white appliances and a corian counter top, with a granite baking center. The cabinets are medium stained oak. It's still very nice.

Christianity in America

by David Horsey of the Seattle P-I

My daughter in Seattle sent me a link to this cartoon a few days ago. I guess I like it because of what the Episcopalian says; I'm sure my daughter thought of me being that mother back when we went to the Methodist Church.

How crazy it is in Texas!

I had to have my daughter in Seattle point out that Rick Perry, the TX governor with BIG hair, babbled about seceding from the union. He is ridiculous.

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry riled up the “anti-government protesters” at an Austin “tea party” rally Wednesday, said Michael Landauer in The Dallas Morning News. But later he uncorked some truly “over-the-top radicalism,” calmly suggesting to reporters that Texas might secede from the United States. People are angry, but stirring up the “Republic of Texas nuts” to potentially “dangerous levels” won't help."

And this shows Perry's clarity and eloquence:

"There's a lot of different scenarios," Perry said. "We've got a great union. There's absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that."

The rest of the article is here.

Easter Pictures, mostly with dogs!

DC's wife AA with their dog Sampson

MJ with Baillie, Troy (BJ's dog), and Cisco

MJ with Troy

DC and CB with Sampson and Baillie

DC and AA after church on Easter

DC and Sampson

BJ and Troy

BJ and squinting Jan