Friday Five: Stairway of Surprise

I am currently reading a book entitled Stairway of Surprise: Six Steps to a Creative Life by Michael Lipson. His premise is a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson: "I shall mount to paradise by the stairway of surprise." Lipson's book is about practicing or developing six inner functions--thinking, doing, feeling, loving, opening, and thanking.

So these categories of attention are a jumping off point for today's Friday Five:

Pick five of the six actions and write about how you are practicing them today or recently. For a bonus, write about the sixth one you originally didn't choose!

What or how are you

1. thinking?
I am thinking a lot about my former spiritual director, who recently moved back to Florida. She emailed me that I stay too much in my head. When I asked some others about this, they agreed--all because I read so much! (I would rather read than watch tv.)

This spiritual director says that the straight gate and narrow way is the distance between one's head to one's heart. All I can counter with is that I continue to have a strong yearning for God and sit in quiet prayer/meditation at least twice a day.

2. doing?
Since receiving the diagnosis of RA, I joined the YWCA and go to one or two water exercise classes every day, except Sunday. It has gotten too hot to walk outside, even though it is not officially summer. (It's in the mid to upper 90s F. every day, with lows at almost 80 degrees F.)

3. feeling?
I alternate between feeling pretty good, thanks to the prednisone, and feeling exhausted due to the RA. I know the water exercise is helping me.

4. loving?
I experience love in my family, in the Wisdom Class and Lectio Divina group each week, and growing openness and acceptance at my church, All Saints Episcopal Church.

5. opening?
It feels like way is being opened, somehow with the diagnosis of RA and continued meditati0n. I'm in the entryway going towards some light. . . .


6. thanking?
Gratitude keeps growing in my life. I always seem to thank God for my warm shower at the beginning of each day--or after the times at the pool. I thank God for friends and family.

Smiles!

Avery and her mommy

I think both AA and Avery look beautiful in this picture taken by son DC!

Have you meditated today?

What Maisie says today

You may (or may not) recall that Maisie is our 1 1/2 Year old Lab mix dog who was left in our backyard the day after Christmas 2009. She loves to bark!

Hell

I believe that we make our own Heaven or Hell for ourselves here on earth. To have faith long ago, I had to give up the idea of the reward of Heaven or punishment of Hell, because I kept second-guessing myself, asking: "Do I believe only for the promised end?"

I was helped greatly by Father Kelly Nemeck, founder of Lebh Shomea, House of Prayer, retreat center in Sarita, TX, who spoke once about Hell in 2000. He said he did not believe in Hell, but even if it does exist in physical space, it is empty! Father Kelly is a contemplative, a spiritual director, an author of many books, and someone I admire greatly.

In classes at Oblate School of Theology, I learned that some scholars believe that Jesus referred to Gehenna for the place we interpret as "Hell." Gehenna was the garbage dump for ancient Jerusalem; the refuse was constantly burning. Poor people lived around the areas, trying to find means to live.

I have friends who fear the prospect of Hell. And so I was struck by Ken Wilber's words in his book about his wife's cancer and eventual death, Grace and Grit: Spirituality and Healing in the Life and Death of Treya Killam Wilber:

(this is a conversation between Treya and Ken)

Treya: "And you're saying that not just the eastern mystics but also the Western mystics actually define sin and Hell as being due to the separate self?"

Ken: "The separate self and its loveless grasping, desiring, avoiding--yes, definitely. It's true that the equation of Hell or samsara with the separate self is strongly emphasized in the East, particularly in Hinduism and Buddhism. But you find an essentially similar theme in the writings of the Catholic, Gnostic, Quaker, Kabbalistic, and Islamic mystics. My favorite is from the remarkable William Law, an 18th-century Christian mystic from England; I'll read it to you:

'See here the whole truth in short. All sin, death, damnation, and hell is nothing else but this kingdom of self, or the various operations of self-love, self-esteem, and self-seeking which separate the soul from God and end in eternal death and hell.'
~~William Law

"Or remember the great Islamic mystic Jalaluddin Rumi's famous saying:

'If you have not seen the devil, look at your own self.'
~~Rumi

"Or the Sufi Abi 'l-Khayr:

'There is no Hell but selfhood, no Paradise but selflessness.'
~~Abi 'l-Khayr

"This is also behind the Christians mystics' assertion that, as the Theologia Germanica put it, nothing burns in Hell but self-will." (85-86)

The Question

Too often I get stumped with the question, "WHY is this happening??" WHY do I have RA?

(WHY not?)

INSTEAD, for peace of mind, I must change the question to

WHO IS WITH ME?

Or even WHAT is with me?

God/Love is with me, always and forever.

When I am stuck on the WHY question, I forget that and only look at me in a grandiose and/or pitiful way. That certainly narrows my viewpoint and constricts my heart.

God/Love is with me (and you), always and forever.

An Amazing Woman

If you like to read biographies, I have one to suggest to you: James Tiptree, Jr.: The Double Life of Alice B. Sheldon by Julie Phillips. I spent this weekend reading about this amazing woman I had never heard of until I looked at someone's list of recommended books to read and found science fiction selections by James Tiptree, Jr., whom I had never heard of until then!

Alice Bradley Sheldon
1915-1987

"Unsure what to do with her new degrees and her new/old careers, Sheldon began to write science fiction. She adopted the pseudonym of James Tiptree Jr. in 1967. The name 'Tiptree' came from a branded jar of marmalade, and the 'Jr.' was her husband's idea. In an interview, she said: 'A male name seemed like good camouflage. I had the feeling that a man would slip by less observed. I've had too many experiences in my life of being the first woman in some damned occupation.'

"The pseudonym was successfully maintained until the late 1970s. This is partly due to the fact that though it was widely known that 'Tiptree' was a pseudonym, it was generally understood that its use was intended to protect the professional reputation of an intelligence community official. Readers, editors and correspondents were permitted to assume gender, and generally, but not invariably, they assumed 'male.' There was speculation, based partially on the themes in her stories, that Tiptree might be female.

"'Tiptree' never made any public appearances, but she did correspond regularly with fans and other science fiction authors through the mail. When asked for biographical details, Tiptree/Sheldon was forthcoming in everything but gender. Many of the details given above (the Air Force career, the Ph.D.) were mentioned in letters 'Tiptree' wrote, and also appeared in official author biographies."

For ten years (1967-1977), Tiptree was a prolific science fiction author and writer of letters. That was the time that we graduated from high school and went to college and graduate school. I do not remember anything about her dramatic unveiling as a woman, even though at the time I was reading such magazines as "Saturday Review" and "The New Yorker." However, I was not interested in science fiction.

Have you ever heard of James Tiptree, Jr.? Or read any books by him/her?

I found a review of one of Tiptree's books, which also has a link to the book The Women Men Don't See. This review makes me want to read it.

Spoon Theory

This cutesy image goes along with a blog called But You Don't Look Sick.Com, which perfectly describes how I appear to most people these days, even myself when I'm under the influence of prednisone. More pointedly, the girl with the spoon is emphasizing The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino. I wrote about this on my RA blog, which I hope you will look at sometime.

I think the Spoon Theory applies to anyone who is under stress, ill, or depressed. The story narrator explains to a friend how fatigued she becomes, because she is given daily a certain number of spoons. If she uses the spoons for too many activities, she runs out of spoons and thus has no more energy.

It is a simple story, but illustrates how energy is easily used up when it is not replenished. (That reminds me of the 12 Step acronym HALT--Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired--If you are experiencing any of these, you should pay attention and take care of yourself!)

Go and read The Spoon Theory.

Friday Five: Memories of Discoveries

By Austin Kleon of Austin, TX

Dorcas brought today's Friday Five for RevGalBlogPals:

Share with us today about five memorable moments of insight, discovery, awareness--from childhood or later, something you experienced or something you shared with someone else.

1. Reading: I remember being in first grade, standing in front of the room, feeling terrified that I did not know how to spell "jump." But I tried to write it on the board, and did!! I also remember my first reading word in a big Sally, Dick and Jane book: "LOOK." So exciting to be able to read!

2. Blogging: In May 2006, I was surprised to find a friend I had lost touch with had a blog--Katherine at Meaning and Authenticity. Until then, I had not known of or entered into the blogging world of the internet. This was a discovery and ensuing experience that brought new friends far and wide into my world. It has opened me to new ideas, self-reflection and knowledge, plus laughter, sadness, and connection. AND Katherine brought me into RevGalBlogPals!

3. Babies: Having a first grandbaby, Avery, is showing me how much and how quickly a baby learns about life--in a more leisurely fashion than with my own four children. Every baby/child is a miracle!

Avery, 6 months old

4. God's Love: An experience that stays with me was the overwhelming Love that washed over me during an Easter service in 1999 when I was continuing to struggle with depression and suicidal ideation. The story is here. That assurance is in me and always will be.

5. Risks: I especially recall my second child, AE, being in kindergarten. For the Christmas program, her teacher taught her to play a song on the autoharp or zither. AE was frightened, and if her teacher had not insisted, I would have let her quit. Instead, she played in front of all those families and did so well! I am so glad I did not instill more fear in her. We both learned to accept challenges more readily than the fear of failure.

CHRONIC + New Blog!

After worrying about this post appearing too self-pitying, I decided to start another blog dedicated to what I learn and experience about rheumatoid arthritis: RA: Ready for Action which may only be read by me!

"Chronic refers to something that continues or persists over an extended period of time. A chronic condition is usually long-lasting and does not easily or quickly go away." (MedLine Plus)

Over the years, I slowly accepted the fact that I would always need to be treated for clinical depression. Until today, I never applied the word "chronic" to this illness. It seems to have gone away due to my daily medication. Better coping strategies and especially daily meditation also help.

I have not come to a full realization that my new diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis is a chronic disease. Just as it took me several years to accept that I had an aspect of myself depressed, but NOT my entire being, so eventually I will come to know that I must live with rheumatoid arthritis, whether it is mostly under control or not. Like right now, the pain is predominantly eliminated with prednisone, but deeply interior fatigue suddenly plagues me at inopportune moments.

I found this blog called Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy who has a 60-second Guide to RA, which I have posted on RA: Ready for Action, because I will only copy the part about fatigue here.

	When rheumatoid arthritis is active, a person can easily become extremely tired. Actually – it surpasses mere tiredness and rises to the level of fatigue. This constant lack of energy can be one of the most limiting aspects of life with RA. Quite often, a person’s level of daily activity must be reduced and periods of sleep and rest must be increased.

RA is a chronic auto-immune disease. I have it. Will I have chronic symptoms? Especially the fatigue?

Drink WATER!

Drinking water is important; we all know that. I rarely served juice to my children when they were young--instead, they got water. As adults, they are better about drinking water than I am, as I have had an addiction to the old diet soda TAB. With the pain I have been experiencing in my joints since December, I finally cut back on TAB and returned to drinking tap water.

This afternoon I realized I was very thirsty, but didn't want to get up off the couch where I was resting. (I was immersed in water twice today--morning and afternoon water aerobics classes at the YWCA.) The thirst (Psalm 42:2a: "My soul thirsts for God, for the living God") kept increasing until I got up to get water and then came to the computer.

I remembered hearing somewhere that one's body desperately needs water when one is feeling the thirst. So I looked up "need for water" on Google and found this:

"Some experts believe you can estimate the amount of water you need by taking your weight in pounds and dividing that number in half. That give you the number of ounces you may want to drink each day. For example, if you weigh 160 pounds, you might want to drink at least 80 ounces of water or other fluids per day.

"If you exercise, you should drink another eight ounce glass of water for every 20 minutes you are active. If you drink alcohol, you should drink at least an equal amount of water. When you are traveling on an airplane, it may be good to drink eight ounces of water for every hour you are on board the plane. If you live in an arid climate, you should add another two servings per day. As you can see, your daily need for water can can change from day to day."

• This water calculator can help you determine how much water you need to drink each day.

I visited the water calculator site and learned that today I should drink 110 ounces of water today, or 3.3 liters. That would equal 14 cups of water! (But I've already drunk about 10 cups, so that will be easy.)

Even better information about water can be found here:

"Athletes need to stay hydrated for optimal performance. Many athletes drink when they are thirsty and fail to hydrate before they become dehydrated. Thirst is a biological indicator of dehydration; however, dehydration has already occurred when an athlete becomes thirsty. Even a small drop in body fluids (1% of body weight, or 1.5 pounds in a 150 pound person) can impair performance."

Everyone is seeking God

All that is sweet, delightful, and amiable in this world, in the serenity of the air, the fineness of seasons, the joy of light, the melody of sounds, the beauty of colors, the fragrancy of smells, the splendor of precious stones, is nothing else but Heaven breaking through the veil of this world, manifesting itself in such a degree and darting forth in such variety so much of its own nature.
– William Law

The great Hindu scriptures say that God is absolute truth, absolute joy, absolute beauty. Any scientist who is seeking the absolute truth, as Einstein did, is seeking God. Anyone seeking absolute joy, whether in a tavern or in the shopping mall or in Monte Carlo, is seeking God. And anyone who is seeking absolute beauty – on a canvas or a stage or a mountaintop – is seeking God. What lovers of beauty seek in paintings, in sculpture, in dance, in music is just a reflection of the absolute beauty that is God. The real source of all beauty is God, the Beloved.

So, there is nobody who is not seeking God. The scientist in his lab, the gambler at the casino, the artist in her studio: all are seeking God. We are all lovers, restlessly searching for the Beloved, hoping to catch a glimpse of the Face behind the veil.

~~Eknath Easwaran

The Thought for the Day is today's entry from Eknath Easwaran's Words to Live By. (Copyright 1999 and 2005 by The Blue Mountain Center of Meditation.)

Select the Thought for the Day for any day of the year.

2 minute reminder to live NOW

The two minutes it takes are worth the time to watch this!

Thanks to Cynthia at Reverend Mom.

Tuesday Trivia

For the first time in four years, I do not have two classes on Tuesdays. EFM is over, so there is only the Wisdom Class (book study) on Tuesday mornings. I thought I'd have a lot of extra time without EFM, but I am filling up mornings and some afternoons with water aerobics classes at the YWCA.

Today I went to two water exercise classes; tonight I am tired. It is good that it is almost time to go to bed. The annoying thing is that I still have one ear plugged with water from this morning's time in the deep end.

For whatever reason, I have had several days without my hands hurting. On Sunday I was finally able to write some notes to friends. (I never seem to write letters anymore.) Some of the positive steps I have taken in the past month or two:

1. reducing intake of artificial sweeteners
2. taking salmon oil capsules
3. started methotextrate last Wednesday (1 X a week)
   
4. getting more exercise regularly
5. eating cherries, an anti-inflammatory food
6. meditating 2 or more times a day

Husband CB has been taking salmon oil capsules daily for several years. In this time, his blood pressure and cholesterol readings have gone down significantly. Supposedly, salmon oil benefits one's joints, too.

And here is the Wisdom Class meditation today from Richard Rohr's newest book, Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life:

“True religion is always a deep intuition that we are already participating in something very good, in spite of our best efforts to deny it or avoid it. In fact, the best of modern theology is revealing a strong ‘turn toward participation,’ as opposed to religion as mere observation, affirmation, moralism, or group belonging. There is nothing to join, only something to recognize, suffer, and enjoy as a participant. You are already in the eternal flow that Christians would call the divine life of the Trinity.”

Richard Rohr

Falling Upward, pp. x-xi

Have a good Tuesday!

Our Real Work

THE REAL WORK

It may be that when we no longer know what to do
we have come to our real work.

and that when we no longer know which way to go
we have come to our real journey.

The mind that is not baffled is not employed.

The impeded stream is the one that sings.

~Wendell Berry

from here

Look!

Stop. Look. Listen

From here.

Smiling grandbaby!

Today we met at MJ's new apartment in San Antonio to move her in. Avery came with her parents to bring MJ a couch and chair with an ottoman. And here is a picture Avery's dad took with his I-phone of me holding Avery. I took pictures myself, but haven't even looked at them yet.

Universal Golden Rule

Baha’i Faith

Lay not on any soul a load that you would not wish to be laid upon you, and desire not for anyone the things you would not desire for yourself.
Baha'u'llah, Gleanings

Buddhism

Treat not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.
The Buddha, Udana-Varga 5.18

Christianity

In everything, do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets.
Jesus, Matthew 7:12

Confucianism

One word which sums up the basis of all good conduct....loving-kindness. Do not do to others what you do not want done to yourself.
Confucius, Analects 15.23

Hinduism

This is the sum of duty: do not do to others what would cause pain if done to you.

Mahabharata 5:1517

Islam

Not one of you truly believes until you wish for others what you wish for yourself.

The Prophet Muhammad, Hadith

Jainism

One should treat all creatures in the world as one would like to be treated.

Mahavira, Sutrakritanga 1.11.33

Judaism

What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbour. This is the whole Torah; all the rest is commentary. Go and learn it.

Hillel, Talmud, Shabbath 31a

Native Spirituality

We are as much alive as we keep the earth alive.

Chief Dan George

Sikhism
I am a stranger to no one; and no one is a stranger to me. Indeed, I am a friend to all.

Guru Granth Sahib, p.1299

Taoism

Regard your neighbour's gain as your own gain and your neighbour's loss as your own loss.

Lao Tzu, T'ai Shang Kan Ying P'ien,

213-218

Unitarianism

We affirm and promote respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

Unitarian principle

Zoroastrianism
Do not do unto others whatever is injurious to yourself.

Shayast-na-Shayast 13.29

This original English version was prepared by Paul McKenna and found here.

Friday Five: Summer Reruns

Songbird brings today's Friday Five to RevGalBlogPals:

It's that time of year when the only new things on television are music/dance competitions (the 21st century answer to variety shows?). Yes, it's the season of reruns.

In honor of this annual Time Warp, please share five things worth a repeat. These could be books, movies, CDs, recipes, vacations, or even TV shows.

1. Blogging
I've been blogging since 2006, probably with less enthusiasm in the past year. Friends I first made in the blog-0-sphere are not posting as much either. So I am considering bringing back posts I really liked, as they will be "new."

Yesterday friends were talking about similarities between religions, and I remember once posting various renderings of the Golden Rule from other faiths--so that will be reappearing soon.

2. Family Vacations
As our four kids grew up in Texas with both our families living in Washington State, we always went back there each summer to visit. Going in July/August was always refreshing because of the cool, temperate weather in the NW in contrast to the high heat and humidity of Gulf Coast TX. My children grew up playing outside in those Bellingham and Seattle parks, which brought them creeks, hills, rocks and different terrain to roam upon.

This year CB and I are taking a month-long driving trip to visit National Parks, go to Calgary, through Banff and the Rocky Mountains to the west coast of Canada and then to Bellingham, WA for CB's family who still lives there and to Seattle, WA where our daughters AE and KA live.

3. Books
Although I am often reading, the summer time seems to give permission to read more popular and light books, especially mysteries! A friend just recommended Cleopatra to me, so I will read that soon.

I am tempted to re-read the seven Harry Potter books, with the last movie coming out, but I don't really want that huge time commitment. I have already read them all 3-4 different times! With my Spain trip, I read A Discovery of Witches twice! Books are fun to re-read, and some summer I want to commit to re-reading the classics I read as an English major in college.

4. TV Reruns
I don't watch tv too much during the regular year. Perhaps I can watch reruns of shows I hear about, though I do not like the reality or contest-type shows. Sharon recommended "Dangers" to check out through Netflix, so I plan to do that.

5. Health Renewal
Eating and exercising are a priority to become lifestyle changes this summer. The advent of rheumatoid arthritis and various meds spur me on to "choose health" more than I have in recent years. I am dismayed that prednisone hinders weight loss; I am trying to remember that the process is more important than the result. (But I want some results! Walking and swimming everyday are healthy activities. . .)

Tired of being tired

I'm just being whiny.

Safely Home!

Last night our youngest daughter MJ arrived home from Spain! She was living in Granada for the past five months. It is wonderful to have her home, and Maisie greeted her with greater excitement than anyone else!

Cisco, Maisie, and MJ

Cisco, MJ, and Maisie

MJ and boy friend CM,
who drove from San Antonio to meet her with us
at the Corpus Christi Airport.

Let prayer happen!

"Mary’s understanding of her nothingness is also saying something about you. Your worthiness is given. It is not attained. It is God in you searching for God. It is God in you that believes and hopes and cares and loves. There is nothing that you can take credit for. It is something you just thank God for! "Eventually you will not be inclined to say, “I prayed today.” Rather, you will want to say, “Prayer happened today—and I was there!” Whatever you do in communion is prayer. When your mind, your heart and your body are all present; that kind of full presence is automatically prayer. At that moment God is able to use you and speak to you. "I believe Mary is the model for being used by God. And we, like her, are just standing here saying, “Let it be done unto me” (Luke 1:38). All we can do is let it happen." ~~Richard Rohr Adapted from an unpublished talk given in Tucson, Arizona

Healing

There once was a wise sage who wandered the countryside. One day, as he passed near a village, he was approached by a woman who saw he was a sage and told him of a sick child nearby. She beseeched him to help this child. The sage came to the village, and a crowd gathered around him, for such a man was a rare sight. One woman brought the sick child to him, and he said a prayer over her.

"Do you really think your prayer will help her, when medicine has failed?" yelled a man from the crowd.

"You know nothing of such things! You are a stupid fool!" said the sage to the man.

The man became very angry with these words and his face grew hot and red. He was about to say something, or perhaps strike out, when the sage walked over to him and said: "If one word has such power as to make you so angry and hot, may not another have the power to heal?"

And thus, the sage healed two people that day.

With thanks to Ellie at The Anchorhold. She attributes this to the website Living Fully.

Here is another quote from Living Fully:

"Aligning our minds with the most compassionate
words and thoughts we can muster can bring
connection and a sense of peace. For some,
it means giving up almost an entire way of life,
but only this will allow glints of joy to shine through."

Laura Berman Fortgang

My Kick in the Butt

I don't know that I "really needed" to get a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis, but I can see that it has pushed me to get more exercise. The heat and humidity deter me from walking here, but that is not all-year-round--just now (until October). After walking in the mall this morning and then going to Splash Aerobics at the YWCA, I appreciate the physical activity for today.

So on this last Saturday in May, I am going to list what I am grateful for, some of which is due to my illness:

• Joining the YWCA and attending water exercise classes.

• Having a walking friend on Saturday mornings at the mall. Even when she doesn't join me, I walk! I also appreciate my walking friend for Sunday nights.

• Getting in to see the rheumatologist, Dr. P, so quickly. I have already had two appointments with him, while the other physician scheduled me for my first appointment on August 8, which I cancelled.

• Being diagnosed with RA now, rather than 15-30 years ago, when the only analgesic to relieve pain was aspirin. Lots of research has been done, especially in the last decade.
  

• Husband CB reading How to Eat Away Arthritis, even though it is unscientific, which usually stops him in his tracks. In a week or so, we will both try the fasting diet, which sounds strenuously healthy and should helps us lose weight, if nothing else.

• Getting an excellent book about arthritis in the mail yesterday: A Resilient Life: Learning to Thrive, Not just Survive Rheumatoid Arthritis. It is written by an occupational therapist who has had RA since she was a child; I am grateful that I have not had to suffer like she did growing up.

• RA keeps motivating me to meditate more frequently. This is really from God's nudges. The old adage that the more you pray, the more you want to, is true. I look forward to sitting at least twice a day for 20 minutes, but have been doing that more often, too.

• I really like meditating with the Equanimity app on my Ipod Touch. It is lovely to be invited into the silence with a gentle gonging bell, which also ends the time I have chosen.
  

• MJ flying home from her semester in Spain on TUESDAY!

• Seeing son BJ for about 15 minutes yesterday, as he dropped off his hyper Springer Spaniel Troy to spend the weekend with us. BJ and friends are renting a house on the beach in Port Aransas for this Memorial Day weekend.

• Troy is a loving dog, who is keeping Maisie more active than usual.
  

• Yesterday (May 27) was the 42nd anniversary of our first date! (Really, the anniversary of our "second" date, because the result of our initial dating period the year before was dislike.)
  

Friday Five: Allergies

Mary Beth is bringing today's Friday Five to RevGalBlogPals--about allergies!

1. Do you experience any seasonal allergies? Are you allergic to anything else?
Currently, I have drainage down my throat and sound like my father as I keep clearing my throat. Probably every day I have to cough up some phlegm. When I first lived in Corpus Christi, TX, my allergies seemed to disappear--but in the last 5-10 years this allergic reaction keeps occurring, especially when the wind blows so much.

With the advent of rheumatoid arthritis, I am wondering if it is exacerbated by certain foods. Both my husband and I are reading a book about food allergies and inflammation and so we'll probably be investigating this further.

2. What kinds of symptoms do you experience during your allergic reactions?
(See above.)
When I was growing up, I had hay fever and allergies, which usually ended up becoming sinus infections. I am glad that does not happen anymore.

3. How do you manage your allergies?
Sometimes I take Benadryl, which is usually best before bed so I sleep then and not in the daytime!

4. What is the strangest allergy you've ever heard of?
Not sure, but I'm hoping I won't have one of those to foods!

5. How do you feel about school and social policies that ban peanuts and other allergens?
I haven't looked into this. I am inclined to believe that policies get too rigid, but then I can see the concern for allergic children, especially young ones. So I'll be wishy-washy and give up control of the situation. . . .especially as I never had any authority about it anyway.

You are what you believe

You are what you believe.
– Anton Chekhov

"You are what the deep faith of your heart is. If you believe that money is going to make you happy, then you will go after money. If you believe that pleasure will make you happy, you will go after pleasure. Because, “as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he,” not as he thinketh in his head. There is a vast distance from the head to the heart. In the Greek and Russian Orthodox traditions, they say that whatever spiritual knowledge you have in your head must be brought down into your heart. This takes many, many years."

~~Eknath Easwaran

The Thought for the Day is today's entry from Eknath Easwaran's Words to Live By. (Copyright 1999 and 2005 by The Blue Mountain Center of Meditation.)

Select the Thought for the Day for any day of the year.

Shake all the nonsense out!

Love wants to reach out and manhandle us,
Break all our teacup talk of God.
If you had the courage and
Could give the Beloved His choice, some nights,
He would just drag you around the room
By your hair,
Ripping from your grip all those toys in the world
That bring you no joy.
Love sometimes gets tired of speaking sweetly
And wants to rip to shreds
All your erroneous notions of truth. . .
The Beloved sometimes wants
To do us a great favor:
Hold us upside down
And shake all the nonsense out.

-Hafiz

Struggle of Prayer

The Wisdom Class is almost finished reading Karen Armstrong's The Case for God. Yesterday we discussed a story related there about the Holocaust, which is staying with me:

"Another Auschwitz story. . . . Even in the camps, some of the inmates continued to study the Torah and to observe the festivals, not in the hope of placating an angry deity but because they found, by experience, that these rituals helped them to endure the horror.

"One day a group of Jews decided to put God on trial. In the face of such inconceivable suffering, they found the conventional arguments utterly unconvincing. If God was omnipotent, he could have prevented the Shoah; if he could not stop it, he was impotent; and if he could have stopped it but chose not to, he was a monster. They condemned God to death. The presiding rabbi announced the verdict, then went on calmly to announce that it was time for the evening prayer.

"Ideas about God come and go, but prayer, the struggle to find meaning even in the darkest circumstances, must continue."

Armstrong, Karen. The Case for God. NY: Alfred A. Knopf, 2009. 278.

I cannot explain or understand the suffering and pain in the world. Prayer is my answer to keep me realizing/knowing that God undergirds it all, somehow, some way. Prayer, worship, community support and remind of the Love that connects us all. It is my task to continue, despite suffering, disillusionment, ennui.

Monday and Mysteries

Monday, and I realize that I am not blogging or doing much on the internet these days. I am waiting for my second appointment with my rheumatologist, which is tomorrow. Then I should learn the results of all the blood tests, x-rays, and bone scan--and what form of "therapy" will be undertaken.

Since the pain-filled weekend over Mother's Day, I have been on a reading jag. When we departed from DC, AA and Avery's home in Austin, I also left my book bag behind. Having no book to read on the 4+ hour drive home, I suggested that husband CB would need to converse the entire trip. He soon stopped at a Walmart in Seguin for me to find a book to read! Perusing the shelves repeatedly, I finally chose The Lincoln Lawyer by Michael Connolly. It was an enjoyable quick-read, which got me started on a series of mysteries.

However, the books devoured were by a different author! When I went to our public library to find more books by Connolly, I found some by a Connolly, but not the same one. These were by John Connolly, and I discovered that I liked his novels even better than those of the legal angle.

John Connolly is an Irish author who writes about a detective named Charlie Parker who lives in Maine. The books are alternately classified as mysteries and/or thrillers, with supernatural elements hinted and intertwined in the stories. Connolly writes about Charlie Parker (from the website):

"Parker is a man tormented and haunted by the deaths of his wife and little daughter, taken from him while he was in a bar feeling sorry for himself. Through the course of Every Dead Thing and the novels that follow, he develops as a human being from someone who has descended into violence and despair to become a compassionate, empathetic man, one who realises that he has to forgive himself as well as others if he is to make reparation for his failings. There is a line in the third novel, The Killing Kind: 'Reparation is the shadow cast by salvation.' That statement represents, in a way, the core of the novels. "

I really like his character development of the main characters. There is a lot of action and violence, but psychological aspects are revealed, too. All of Connolly's books are in our public library, so try one for your summer reading! The newest one will be published in September--The Burning Soul.

Charlie Parker Series:

• Every Dead Thing, 1999
• Dark Hollow, 2000
• The Killing Kind, 2001
• The White Road, 2002
• "The Reflecting Eye", a novella included in Nocturnes, his collection of short stories, 2004
• The Black Angel, 2005
• The Unquiet, 2007
• The Reapers, May 2008
• The Lovers, 2009
• The Whisperers, 2010
• The Burning Soul, 2011

Friday Five: Words

Today's RevGalBlogPals Friday Five is about favorite words, liked for any reason.

1. mazagine: I guess being a new grandmother (of six month old Avery) brings to mind words that my children liked to say. This is what Avery's dad would call a "magazine" when he was little. I like the way that sounds!

2. bubbler: Remembering DC when he was little also brought to mind the funny name (to us from the south and NW) for water fountains in Rhode Island. BJ was in first grade and liked to drink from the "bubbler."

3. YOU: "You" has always been my centering word, especially when I practiced Centering Prayer. Just breathing it brings me to that quiet, expansive Presence. "You" is also a reminder of the Christ within each person, which I long to realize and always see.

4. books: I love to read and to learn, especially through (old-fashioned) books. I like all kinds of books, but my favorites are mysteries, theology, and cookbooks! I was surprised to see that I have 215 posts under the label of "books" on this blog. But I also have a separate link to MYSTERIES, which could provide nudges for summer reading.

5. connections: Friends, family, love, compassion, peace, wisdom (and one and on)--Words connect me to God, the Energy/Love intertwining us into One, ultimately into Silence.

Sometimes?

Not alone

Last week Mad Priest posted this nagging image on his blog; it can be taken either positively or negatively.


While I was suffering through so much pain recently, I kept remembering those eyes--as a symbol of God/Love who is always present. Sometimes we can glimpse more and even feel the presence of something, like a warm Labrador Retriever. Other times, there just seems to be emptiness. Holding onto the word or memory helps, especially through friends, family, meditation, and taking one step at a time.

I try to remember that the ABSENCE of God is actually the PRESENCE of the Holy One. That piece of wisdom is from Karl Rahner via Father Makothokat, a professor at Oblate School of Theology. How grateful I am for that insight, which helps me to go on.

~~~~~~~~~~
Yesterday I went to see the rheumatologist recommended by friends. He spent an hour with me and then sent me for blood tests, a bone scan, and x-rays. I meet with him again next week to learn the results of these tests. I am staying on the Prednisone (steroid) that my family practice doctor prescribed (again) last week, and so am moving around and am feeling optimistic.

I appreciate all of you who have been supporting me through thoughts, prayers, comments, and suggestions. You help me to sense the presence of that Dog/God!

Pictures from Mother's Day

Avery helped to stand.

Lunch at Z-Tejas Restaurant in Austin, TX
Jan, Avery, CB

While babysitting on Saturday night, CB eats Chinese food while Avery watches.

AA's first Mother's Day!
Son DC, Avery, daughter-in-law AA

I am hoping!

Due to the insistence and help of friends, I have an appointment with a rheumatologist in two days--on Monday. I keep thanking God for my friends' intervention. Having a semi-diagnosis and an appointment with a specialist give me hope.

I checked out three books about rheumatoid arthritis from our public library today. I latched onto the phrase from a scientist that is hard to let go of--80% of people suffering from RA are partially disabled within 12 years. That is a frightening prospect.

"More than 80 percent are partially disabled within twelve years after the diagnosis of the disease, and 16 percent are completely disabled. Median life expectancy is shortened an average of seven years for men and three years for women." (26)

Lee, Thomas F. Conquering Rheumatoid Arthritis. NY: Promethius Books, 2001.

Could that statistic be changed ten years after the book's publication?

So I am trying (again) to stay in the present:

• Am I safe right now? (yes)
• Who is in charge? (God)
• Who is with me right now? (God)

In another book about RA, I found this wonderful quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

"What lies behind you, what lies ahead of you,

pales in comparison to what lies within you."

Koehn, Cheryl et al. Rheumatoid Arthritis: Plan to Win. NY: Oxford University Press, 2002. xiii.

I am grateful for supportive friends and family. You help me see God within you and within me.

May the light of our souls guide us.
May the light of our souls bless the work that we do
with the secret love and warmth of our hearts.
May we see in what we do the beauty of our own souls.
May the sacredness of our work bring healing, light
and renewal to those who work with us
and to those who see and receive our work.
May our work never weary us.
May it release within us wellsprings of
refreshment, inspiration and excitement.
May we be present in what we do.
May we never become lost in bland absences.
May the day never burden.
May dawn find us awake and alert,
Approaching our new day with dreams, possibilities and promises.
May evening find us gracious and fulfilled.
May we go into the night blessed, sheltered and protected.
May our souls calm, console and renew us.

"Celtic Blessing" in Anam Cara: Spiritual Wisdom from a Celtic World by John O'Donohue

This prayer is also posted at A Place for Prayer today. Please visit this ministry blog of RevGalBlogPals.

Diagnois

Diagnosis: Rheumatoid Arthritis

Dr. S. called minutes ago to tell me that my numbers are extremely high in the Rheumatoid Panel (blood sample) taken yesterday afternoon. He is referring me to a rheumatologist, which is also why he had that blood sample taken yesterday.

Prayers were answered with the diagnosis and referral. Thank you. Now I hope I won't have to wait too long to see the specialist.

Help!

I need your prayers.


This image shows how I have been feeling for the last few days--frustrated, angry, sad about the increasing pain in my joints. It was especially difficult being with my 5 month old granddaughter since yesterday, when the pain peaked--I could not lift her or hold her for very long, because my hands hurt so much.

I had hoped that the joint pain was disappearing, though I was deluded for the past month by taking a pseudo-steroid Presdnisone, mostly while I was in Spain. This relieved the pain (and now I realize, the swelling) until I decreased the dosage week-by-week until last Tuesday. When I saw my family doctor, he prescribed a pain medication, which seemed to have little effect by the second day.

That was Saturday, when we were in Austin visiting son DC, his wife AA, and little Avery. That day and night the pain reached the worst I have ever felt. I could barely take a step. The worst part was not being able to give Avery a bath or hold her as much as I wished. And the pain goes on. . . .

The good part of this weekend was stirring me to action--to demand a referral to a specialist. Dr. S. keeps referring to my initial blood work which indicated that my sed level was "LOW" and so I had no inflammation--I should have paid more attention to Father Bill and Songbird who told me to see a rheumatologist way back on March 8!! (Here, you can only see one if you are referred by your primary care physician.)

THIS is why I have not been blogging much lately; just as now, I cannot type long because my right wrist hurts so much.

Please pray for me.

My daughter with a monkey!

MJ at Gibraltar last Friday

God Is Here

From Prayer by Abhishiktananda (Henri Le Saux):

"To pray is an act of faith. This does not mean that, in order to pray, we must first confess our faith in more or less abstract terms. No indeed; true prayer is based on the faith, the conviction that God is here, that he is everywhere, that he is in everything, that he is the source from which everything comes and the end (at once immanent and transcendent) to which everything is on the move.

"To pray is to take for granted that we live in the mystery of God, that we are immersed in it, and that this mystery envelops us and at the same time extends beyond us on every side--'In him we live and move and have our being' (Acts 17:28)."

Abhishiktananda. Prayer. Norwich: Canterbury Press, 2006. 12.

This prayer thought is also posted at A Place for Prayer today. Please visit this ministry blog of RevGalBlogPals.

"If God is hidden, it is because he is in himself beyond all we can perceive, even with our minds. If this were not so, he would simply be one of the possible objects that can be known, just like everything else in the universe. . . ." (17-18)

Resurrection According to Nouwen

"The resurrection does not solve our problems about dying and death. It is not the happy ending to our life's struggle, nor is it the big surprise that God has kept in store for us. No, the resurrection is the expression of God's faithfulness to Jesus and to all God's children. Through the resurrection, God has said to Jesus, "You are indeed my beloved Son, and my love is everlasting," and to us God has said, "You indeed are my beloved children, and my love is everlasting." The resurrection is God's way of revealing to us that nothing that belongs to God will ever go to waste. What belongs to God will never get lost."

-- Henri Nouwen (1932-1996)

It was interesting to see the two different and unexpected reactions to this quotation today. When I used it for an initial meditation time in the Wisdom Class, everyone's reaction was quite positive, especially for one member whose wife died a year ago. (The Wisdom Class is a weekly book study--currently reading A Case for God by Karen Armstrong.)

When my EFM class was presented with it, it aroused criticism and discussion about "resurrection," which could have gone on and on. One member objected to the word "everlasting," saying she preferred "eternal." Another disliked the word "children" and concentration on Jesus. Someone else did not like the infantile ending where Nouwen writes that nothing will be lost in God. The discussion was very interesting and revealed a lot about each one of us, especially since this was the second to the last EFM class for this year (and more specifically, for seven members of the class who will "graduate").

I realize that I resist analyzing it, because I find the short quotation very comforting. When I think of my deceased parents, I like hearing that they are loved and not lost. As I grow more cognizant of my age and future demise, I take comfort from these words for myself. Plus, I liked that heaven is not viewed as a "reward."

This was another gem posted by Ellie at The Anchorhold. Please let me know if you know where Henri Nouwen wrote this, whether in a book or an article.

Monday Minutia

Sometimes the minutia/details of life overwhelm us and so we do not pay attention to other more pertinent factors! So here goes with my Monday minutia that may then be relegated to lesser positions of priority:

• A dead possum lay in the middle of the street in front of our house when we awoke on Saturday morning. It lay there all day until that night my practical husband put it in three plastic sacks and deposited it in our trash can. Unfortunately, now that same trash can reeks with odor, which is why it is sitting on the street. Garbage pickup is on Wednesday, and so the "summer" temperatures (in the spring) in south TX will ripen the contents even more.

• Our interim priest started on Palm Sunday and is a welcome addition to All Saints Episcopal Church. He is a retired priest who is also my age (60!), and is humble and authentic. I really like the way he expresses his own wonderings. When I told him that yesterday, he said he was wary of people with certainties. I like that!

• I have been chosen to be a member of our parish's search committe for our new priest. I am honored.
  

• I am boggled by the downloaded file of 641 pictures taken in Spain! I really want to post about my trip, but need to label all those images. . . .before I forget, which is already occurring.
  

• Since returning from Spain three weeks ago, I suffered through a week of jet lag, followed by gradually decreasing the dosage of prednisone that had been upped in Spain for joint pain. I felt really good until I stopped the prednisone completely--then joint pain started to slowly return and seems to be increasing each day, even though I went back to taking the small dose of 5 mg. daily. Here I go again. . . .

• I am really pleased that my daughter-in-law and son asked us to spend Mother's Day with them in Austin--with their 5 month old daughter, Avery. This will be AA's first Mother's Day, and I am so happy that she will share it with me.

• Despite the terrorist bombing in Marakesh last Thursday, MJ's IES group went on to Morocco on Saturday. I am impressed with IES' prudent organization for all their trips. This has been an excellent semester for MJ abroad. She will return home on May 31.

• Thanks to going to Spain, I read various good books. (The first two are fiction.) I've meant to post about them, but for right now will just list them below as highly recommended:

1. A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness (I am suspecting that this will be the first in a series.
2. Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese (I was told that the first 200 pages were rather boring and to forge ahead as it kept getting better. I agree that it kept getting better, but I enjoyed the entire book.)
3. Grace and Grit: Spirituality and Healing in the LIfe and Death of Treya Killam Wilber by Ken Wilber (This is Ken Wilber's most accessible book and it is profound and personal.)
4. Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life by Richard Rohr (Richard Rohr's typically simple writing brings forth validation and new knowledge.)
5. The Hope: A Guide to Sacred Activism by Andrew Harvey (This is such a good book that I have considered giving a copy to each of my children, as it is not strictly a Christian book.)

• I got an Ipod touch for my trip to Spain. I really like it, especially playing a game called Words with Friends, which oldest son DC told me about. He is faithful about playing with me, but always wins! I used to think I was good at Scrabble, but not so much with Words with Friends. It is fun, and if you ever want to play with me, my name is "janintx."