Places I've lived

After Mompriest commented on how many places she'd moved in only six years of her childhood, I started wondering if I could list the places I've lived. I'm not sure if I've ever done that, and I'd like to tell my children all the different locations I (and they) have been. Until I was in high school, my dad was in the Marine Corps, so he was transferred every few years.

Jan's childhood moves:
1. Bremerton, WA
2. Quantico, VA
3. Camp Pendleton, CA
4. Lubbock, TX
5. Lynden, WA (my mother's hometown, while my dad went to Japan)
6. Quantico, VA
7. Camp Pendleton, CA
8. Yokosuka, Japan
9. El Toro, CA
10. Bellingham, WA (while my dad was in Okinawa and Vietnam)
11. Camp Pendleton, CA
12. Bellingham, WA (where we moved when my dad retired from the Marine Corps) (1966-1971)

Jan's married moves:
1. Bellingham, WA
2. Seattle, WA
3. Richmond, VA
4. Newport, OR
5. Corvallis OR (where CB went to grad school)
6. Corpus Christi, TX (1978-1985)
7. Euless, TX (which I refer to as "Dallas")
8. Corpus Christi, TX (1988-1991)
9. North Kingstown, RI
10. Morristown, NJ
11. Corpus Christi, TX (1994-present)

Although I came to think of Bellingham, WA as my hometown (as I went to high school and college there and that's where we lived in my family's first non-military base housing), I have now lived in Corpus Christi, TX longer than anywhere else I've ever lived (a total of 23 years).

Faith Story 3--Having small children

In the spring of 1985, our third child was born, which was about the same time my husband found out he was transferred to Dallas. He worked up there, while we lived in Corpus Christi until the baby BJ was five months old. Right before we moved, he was baptized with my first and most enduring friend Lisa and her husband as God-parents. (We had met at a La Leche League meeting in an un-airconditioned house in the summer before our first babies were born.)

DC, AE, and BJ were baptized at All Saints Episcopal Church, my present church. In the recent baptisms here, I’ve become aware of how they were blessed then, even though I didn’t realize it. I know when they were baptized, I was too concerned about the wiggling children and crying baby that I might have to nurse in church—Horrors!! I still didn’t realize that God was in the midst of us, and now I am warmed to know he was. I have a totally new perspective on their baptisms, because I see the past with a new perspective—how the Divine enfolded us all, sealing each child for him forever. The reality was there then, but neither CB nor I saw it. The way opened, but each of us must be aware enough to enter in—we were not then, but are beginning to see so much more of God now.

We moved to Dallas and lived there for the next 2 years. CB traveled frequently; and we hardly knew anyone. BJ always wanted to be held and learned to scream to get his way. DC hated leaving his best friend and struggled and cried going to a new school for first grade. I still remember calling his kindergarten teacher, worried that he didn't like school, and she reassured me that after his first month, he'd feel better. That was true, and he suddenly shot off being able to read and loving it. 3 year old AE was very shy and hid under a coffee table at the first La Leche League meeting we went to. (I just recently learned that the LLL group this other mother and I started is still meeting!) I remember AE sweetly asking me sometime after Thanksgiving when her wish (from breaking the wishbone from the turkey) would come true--she'd wanted to become a fairy! I treasure the wistful look I recall on her face, so sweet and innocent. And this is the place where the family's interest in soccer started, with little DC playing for the first time.

We moved back to Corpus Christi with DC going into third grade; AE in kindergarten; and BJ a 2 year old toddler, who was always so chubby that he could never wear his brother's hand-me-downs. (He could only fit into Oshkosh coveralls!) My husband still traveled a great deal. I was grateful that my mother continued to visit from WA state two times a year, for several weeks each time. My dad, who hated to travel, would come for a few days each Christmas. This was a busy time of LLL meetings for me, school activities, and soccer for both DC and AE.

This is also when DC rejoined his best friend Chris, and they started a life-long bond with three other boys. (These young men have been in each other's weddings and continue to be in touch, even though they went to different colleges and live in different cities.) They always played soccer together, too. The family of one of the boys brought DC each week to the confirmation class at First United Methodist Church. We parents acted like ours had--in an a-religious way just as Gannet Girl's parents did--not caring one way or another. CB and I were in New York City when he was confirmed, and from what I hear, he had to wear an outgrown jacket and pair of pants. You can tell his parents "didn't care," which sounds reprehensible to me now.

This was at the time I was pregnant with our surprising fourth child. CB was still gone frequently, and no plans had been made, but God brought forth a baby, who is now MJ and my only child at home. It was quite a shock to find out I was pregnant, even after taking an at-home pregnancy test--When the doctor's office called after their test, I kept telling them there had to be a mistake! And how grateful am I that she was never a mistake! That spring, I remember taking DC and his four pals, with BJ to the rocks by the water here, and telling AE the secret of the coming baby, while the guys climbed and played.

When MJ was one year old, we learned that CB was being transferred to Rhode Island. That was a wrenching shock to the older kids and me. Coming from WA State, I thought I knew what "cold" weather was, but that winter (and autumn) in Rhode Island were quite a shock to us. We certainly had to buy a lot of warm clothes, coats, and blankets--things unnecessary in south Texas! So in 1991, we moved to Rhode Island.

Fundamentalists' viewpoint

Kirk Anderson http://www.kirktoons.com/

On npr this morning, two political cartoonists were interviewed in "Cartooning Bush and President Next." (And I tried to link it through the title, but somehow it didn't work, so here's the site http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=11794366)
There are other samples of political cartoons that are quite good, even better than this one. This one hit me about the problems of humanity from all time--too narrow a view of God and of his "chosen."
It's an interesting article to read (or hear).

Cartoon! Enlightenment!

By Bob Seal, from Non-Duality Cartoons
http://www.bobseal.com/

Poem for Poetry Discussion

Primary Wonder

Days pass when I forget the mystery.

Problems insoluble and problems offering

their own ignored solutions

jostle for my attention, they crowd its antechamber

along with a host of diversions, my courtiers, wearing

their colored clothes; caps and bells.

And then

once more the quiet mystery

is present to me, the throng's clamor

recedes: the mystery

that there is anything, anything at all,

let alone cosmos, joy, memory, everything,

rather than void: and that, 0 Lord,

Creator, Hallowed one, You still,

hour by hour sustain it.

-- Denise Levertov

Faith Story 2

After reading GannetGirl's faith story of losing her mother and baby brother when she was only 10 years old Getting Here (II), I am realizing the connection we forge through our stories. So I will go to the next phase of mine, after my marriage to CB at St. Paul's Episcopal Church in Bellingham, WA in 1971 (when we were both too young, which my mother pointed out to me, but I ignored).

After CB and I got married, we moved to Virginia where he worked for Georgia-Pacific and I taught third grade in a little school that had recently been integrated. Every month we had to count the number of black boys and girls, and the number of white boys and girls. In 1974 we moved to Corvallis, Oregon so CB could go to graduate school to get a PhD. in organic chemistry. For four years we lived in married student housing. He rode his bike to campus, and I drove to the middle of the coast range of mountains to teach at a little school in Eddyville, which had a school, a church, and a post office in a trailer. The school had 250 kids in grades K-12. Then in August 1978 we moved to Corpus Christi where CB had gotten a job with a chemical company to be a research chemist. It was a great shock to be in Corpus with its heat, flatness, and lack of trees and so far away from our families and friends! I taught third grade in an extremely poor area of the city and somehow got ALL the resource (special ed) kids in third grade in my class! It was a shock to teach in south Texas, and that was the last year I ever taught in the public school system.

My oldest son DC turned 28 years old a few days ago, and it is a little odd to think the both CB and I were 28 when we bought our very first house and got our first little dog, a blonde cocker spaniel puppy we named "Bagel." (That reminds me of when CB and I moved from VA to OR and visited friends in Idaho--the husband asked CB if we were ever going to have kids, and CB answered that he'd rather have a dog!) And at 28, I had my first baby, DC. I was lucky enough to stay home with him.

Have you noticed that I haven't mentioned God? The thought of the Divine never occurred to us, not even when we celebrated Christmas and Easter, not even realizing we were observing the secular holidays, not the religious ones. CB and I celebrated as both of our families did--no church at all.

Although CB did not tell me until years later, DC’s birth was when CB began to believe in God. He saw new life emerge in his firstborn. In 1980, a year after DC was born, we joined All Saints Episcopal Church, which is the church I returned to three years ago. Way opened, but I chose not to see it then. Chuck got very involved with the men of the church, especially because he was friends with someone who also worked at his company. I held back, feeling shy and overwhelmed with DC and then baby AE, who woke up at night. Since I didn’t like cookies being served in the nursery, I stopped going and stayed home with the baby. That was my excuse. Chuck went to church on Sundays and then played golf on Saturdays, so I began to resent the church (never thinking God was involved at all) for taking him away from me. Chuck kept going until we moved to Dallas in 1985, after BJ was born. Than we stopped going to church again for the next seven years.

I did not see God even when my first three children were baptized at All Saints before we moved to Dallas. I think I posted somewhere else about how God gifted me with a new view of those baptisms when I was in church for a baptism last month--that even though I was unaware of the liturgy, sacraments, the Divine--only being occupied with my small wiggling children--God was still working within us all. The Divine Reality is present whether I am aware or not.

I also see that God drew me into the loving and supportive community of La Leche League before DC's birth and through the births and childhoods of my other three children, which I wrote about here Absence of God I was helped so much in that community and became the mother my mom did not know how to be in the 1950's with the emphasis upon scientific upbringing. All love is of God, and the love I learned about, experienced and learned to live out, was of God.

As Parker Palmer wrote about, the way opened for me in various ways, and sometimes I can look back now and see where I joined in. As time goes on, I may see how more ways opened also. I am grateful at how God has opened my heart to see his presence in my life, even when I was not living in acknowledgement of the Divine.

Prayer as Gratefulness

"We must distinguish prayer from prayers. Saying prayers is one activity among others. But prayer is an attitude of the heart than can transform every activity. We cannot say prayers at all times, but we out to 'pray without ceasing' (1 Thess 5:17). That means we ought to keep our heart open for the meaning of life. Gratefulness is, therefore, prayerfulness. Moments in which we drink deeply from the source of meaning are moments of prayer, whether we call them so or not. There is no human heart that does not pray, at least in deep dreams that nourish life with meaning. What matters is prayer, not prayers. But prayers are the poetry of prayerful living. Just as poetry gives expression to one's aliveness and makes one more alive, so prayers give expression to one's prayerfulness and make one more prayerful."

David Steindl-Rast. Gratefulness, the Heart of Prayer. NY: Paulist Press, 1984. 211-212.

Small wedding on 7-7-07

I was invited to attend a small wedding this afternoon at All Saints Episcopal Church. Only 12 people were there, plus the bride, groom, and priest. I felt honored to be included, because I've only known the bride for two years and everyone else for 15 years or longer. This is a joyous second marriage for Jackie, who had never anticipated having a romantic relationship again.

While the lovely service went on, I realized that I had not been to an Episcopal wedding since CB and I were married in 1971! As the beautiful words were read and prayed, I wondered if those had been said at our wedding. In my unawareness, God bound us together and blessed us. What a lovely revelation to experience in the joy of Jackie and Aldo's union.

In fact, when I talked about the wedding at dinner tonight, CB jokingly told MJ that we'd been "handcuffed." I had no idea what he meant, until he talked about our hands being bound with something, and then it came to me that he was remembering the priest wrapping our hands with his stole to bless the union, but until today CB hadn't know what that was about!

Fr. David gave a little homily about gratefulness, because the couple had chosen the Beatitudes for the Gospel reading. He told us that they were only the second couple he'd ever married to request that reading. Be grateful always, even when things are not going well, in suffering, in despair, and in anger. What a good reminder.

Today was a day for rejoicing and remembering.

And this reminds me of a favorite book of mine--"Gratefulness, the Heart of Prayer" by David Steindl-Rast. If you have not read this, please get it and read it. Also, Brother David Steindl-Rast's website (Gratefulness) is over in my links. You can even go there and light a cyber-candle for a cause or loved one.

"'Home is where one starts from,' says T. S. Elliot. And this is one way of saying that love is not only the end, but the beginning of all. What we find, when we find our heart (and remember, gratefulness is the key), is God's own life within us. It has been going on from 'before always,' as C. S. Lewis likes to put it. . . .Our heart is rooted in that ultimate belonging. We do not have to earn this, nor do we have to deserve it. It is gratis--pure grace, pure gift. We need only enter into this fullness through gratefulness." (188-189)

Undercutting Democracy

By Trudy Rubin

Inquirer Columnist

A recent trip to the Middle East provides a sobering reminder of the uniqueness of our democracy - and the folly of thinking we can impose our system on far-off lands.

During a June visit to Iraq, well-educated Iraqis told me they yearned for another dictator, though not a psychopath such as Saddam Hussein.

"We want someone really firm who would implement laws," one young Iraqi journalist named Mohammed said, echoing many comments I heard. Who could blame him for preferring an autocrat to a so-called democracy that can't protect its citizens or provide for their welfare?

Mohammed's plaint should make us appreciate the limits on exporting our model, and reexamine our own democracy at home.

On July Fourth, Americans should ponder the historical uniqueness of the Founding Fathers. The Declaration of Independence draws not only on Christian beliefs in the rights endowed by the creator, and on Greek concepts of self-government. Our luckiest break: The Founders were steeped in the British concept of rule of law that had evolved over centuries - the idea that leaders must be subject to the same laws as citizens.

Many of the Founders were lawyers. To them, the idea of rule of law was essential; it served as a rallying cry in the struggle for independence. They also were exceptional leaders and, despite their differences, mostly agreed on the core principles of a new system.

Most Americans take this British heritage for granted and don't fully appreciate its value. Think of South America, where a strict patriarchal tradition undercuts democracy to this day. Or Russia, where leaders adhere to "rule by law," meaning laws are used as clubs by those in power.

In much of the world - including the Middle East - rule of law is a term with little meaning. In Iraq, which lived 40 years under a brutal dictator, a new constitution offers little to people beset by criminal gangs, militias and religious fanatics.

Iraq also is the victim of false analogies about the ease of exporting democracy. President Bush compared Iraq to postwar Japan and Germany - wealthy nations, completely defeated in battle, whose new leaders and publics were ready for a change. The president also compared Iraq, wrongly, to central Europe; this region quickly rebounded from communist dictatorships because it had a history of democracy and links to the West.

The most ludicrous comparison, by former deputy defense secretary Paul Wolfowitz, compared Iraq to post-liberation France. Wolfowitz believed Iraqi exile leader Ahmad Chalabi could establish an Iraqi democracy as Charles de Gaulle did after World War II.

But the abolition of Iraq's main national institutions - its army, the Baath party, its state factories - left the country without a cohesive framework. Ordinary people fell back on the only available social networks: the mosque, new sectarian political parties and religious militias. Elections only solidified the divide, since people voted for sectarian parties. The educated middle class is fleeing abroad.

None of this says Iraqis don't deserve better than Hussein or the current chaos. Nor should it prevent U.S. aid to genuine Arab democrats, an endangered species badly undercut by our mistakes in Iraq.

But the Iraq tragedy should pierce the hubris of those who think the U.S. system can be easily imposed on another country. July Fourth is the right moment to reflect on what makes our own system work.

Just as the Bush team misjudged our ability to export our system, it has been cavalier toward rule of law at home. Guantánamo; Abu Ghraib; domestic spying without court order; White House efforts to expand executive power and install a radical, activist Supreme Court - all chip away at our system's core values. The White House seems bent on undercutting the checks and balances devised by the Founders.

The Islamist terrorist threat - which may continue for years - should not push Americans to abandon the values that set them apart from the non-rule-of-law world. If changes are to be made in our system, they should be made not in secrecy, but as part of an open national debate.

Our failures in Iraq have undercut the appeal of democracy in the Middle East and elsewhere. Our failure to adhere to our founders' values undercuts our own system. It does a disservice to the unique leaders whose legacy we honor today.

http://www.philly.com/inquirer/columnists/trudy_rubin/20070704_Worldview___Exporting_U_S__democracy.html

Friday List

Via Serena, I have the following:
Today's edition of RGBP Friday Five is the following "oldie"

Today what are you:

1. wearing: flax camp shirt and flax crop pants, with comfortable sandals (always in south Texas). I have a very fashionable friend who told me that I'm too "young" to wear comfortable shoes, but that's all I wear anymore!

2. reading: (All of them??) "The Hidden Heart of the Cosmos" by Brian Swimme; "The View from the Center of the Universe" by Joel R. Primach and Nancy Ellen Abrams; "Silence on Fire" by William Shannon and some others lying around. . . .

3. eating: a couple chocolate covered Altoids (which daughter AE says are "gross")

4. doing: on the computer, avoiding cleaning and writing a Sunday School series on "God and the Universe: which starts this Sunday.

5. pondering: evolving ideas about "church" and "God" . . . morality of killing--after a conversation with AE a few days ago, about the SAME wrong being committed by terrorists with innocent people and soldiers in war (especially U. S. soldiers). . . . remember my oldest son's birth 28 years ago today. . . . pondering. . . . ."God and the Universe". . . . .

Church or God?

Maybe this is part of my "faith story," maybe not. Just the comments and my thoughts from My Faith Story 1 have spawned further ramblings.

I remember that my mother in her later years would say, "Sometime I will start going to church." She never did. And in the periods of my religiosity until the 1990's, I thought "going to church" was what one did if one wanted to be "religious." The vision of God being the Master Clockmaker was in our minds, I'm sure, so that "church" was where to go, because God was far away. (God existed, but after creating, left the world to be on its own.)

For too long, I expected "church" to provide the experience of God, and if that didn't materialize, that was what "church" was like. This may be what Mompriest was talking about in her comment about the way the church of the 1950's was--though I have to say that's what I experienced through the 1990's, and it is probably how my three oldest children feel nowadays.

Now I am saddened to see how I had no conception of a relationship with God and only realized the "necessity" of going "to church." Somehow, "church" and "God" meant the same thing, which did not carry much emotional (spiritual?) connection. What is worse is that this attitude was conveyed to our children (as my husband seemed to feel the same way).

This has been nagging at me for awhile, because my daughter AE, who lives in Seattle, talks about "church" and all the things she objects to over time that it has done wrong and equates all this with "God." This "God" she does not believe in. (Me, neither.) More and more, I think she does not believe in "church."

Maybe it's easier to look at "church" because it's concrete. The Holy One continues to love and change me, which is proof for me, but not scientifically provable. Our post-enlightenment minds (Look at What’s the point of Christianity?) want to know "WHY?" when the proper response is "WHO is with me/us?"

New poem for discussion!

Diane posted a new poem to consider, and now I'm copying MomPriest's idea of linking to Diane's poem--so go read To Be of Use

My Faith Story 1--My youth

Parker Palmer, who is a Quaker writer and teacher, related a story I remember often in his book, Let Your Life Speak. Parker was given traditional Quaker advice when he was seeking a new direction in his life, “Have faith, and way will open.”

“I have faith,” he thought to myself. “What I don’t have is time to wait for ‘way’ to open. I’m approaching middle age at warp speed, and I have yet to find a vocational path that feels right. The only way that’s opened so far is the wrong way.” –Haven’t we all felt this way?-- Parker was frustrated and finally sought out an older Quaker woman well known for her thoughtfulness and candor.

Ruth’s reply was a model of Quaker plain-speaking. “I’m a birthright Friend,” she said somberly, “and in sixty-plus years of living, way has never opened in front of me.” She paused, and Parker started sinking into despair. Was this wise woman telling him that the Quaker concept of God’s guidance was a hoax?

Then she spoke again, this time with a grin, “But a lot of way has closed behind me, and that’s had the same guiding effect.” (p. 38)

Now I am looking back and see how way was opened and closed behind me in the past, whether I knew it or not at the time.

So much of my life was spent unaware of God. I did not have a family or church community who told me about God. My dad was in the Marine Corps and we moved to different military bases every few years. I was an only child, and sometimes my parents would drop me off for Sunday School at the base non-denominational church, but not consistently. In such a life, way didn’t seem to open, as we were sent wherever and whenever the Marine Corps ordered my dad to go. There never seemed to be a choice in how we lived—we never saw or thought of looking for a way to open.

Aren’t you aware of people, probably many of you, who grew up in a faithful family where God was acknowledged and worshipped? They have a different sense of life, with a holy knowing within. Others, like me, experience that more and more as time goes on, but it has felt like a striving on my part until fairly recently. There is this faith that whether the way opens or not, God is with us.

I did not grow up with that. In my 40s, I looked back on my life as one where God was not. And only recently have I seen how way was opened to me when I was younger, and how I followed, but usually got distracted. Still, I know now that God was inviting me continually into relationship, but I didn’t know that was possible for a very long time.

Basically, I grew up in an unchurched family. So it is surprising to look back to see how I asked to be baptized in St. Paul’s Episcopal Church in Bellingham, Wash. when I was in 11^th grade. I’d been going to services there for awhile, by myself and wanted to become an Episcopalian, as my unknown grandfather had been. My parents were indifferent to my interest in the Episcopal Church and did not attend my baptism or my confirmation. Their attitude was so natural that I did not even consider that they should attend! I continued to attend services throughout college until CB and I were married in that same church, even though he claimed to be an atheist. And that’s when we both stopped going to church.

Can’t you see way opened for me? God brought me into the Episcopal Church, with no one inviting me except him. There was a period of five years that I regularly attended services. I was shy and did not meet other people, and now I don’t remember ever being advised on spiritual practices, not even prayer. I just thought I was supposed to go to church! And then I wondered why I didn’t feel anything like the Jesus Freaks around our college campus. I guess I thought I was supposed to have an emotional experience, which never came—that burning bush! Sometimes I would even announce in my bedroom, “I take Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior”—and nothing happened. So I definitely felt that God was off in his heaven, and left us on our own.

Happy Interdependence Day!

Too much rain here for much outside celebration. The last time I posted, on Monday, we got 10 inches of rain in one day!

Grandmère Mimi has a picture of flags that we need to remember and hold in our hearts today and every day.

On a different note, here is an article I enjoyed in my email today, entitled "True In-dependence." I always like quotes and St. Seraphim of Sarov is a favorite. http://explorefaith.org/july4/In_dependence.html

And a retired Methodist minister friend has told me that he and others are calling today "INTERDEPENDENCE DAY." (This comes from Tikkun founder Rabbi Michael Lerner. You can read about his proclamation about this 4th of July becoming Interdependence Day at
http://www.tikkun.org/rabbilernerarticles/julyfourth/view?searchterm=Interdependence%20Day

O, Holy One, help us to remember you and how you connect us to everyone and everything. Help us to celebrate our interdependence. Amen.

Rain

It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring.

We've had thunderstorms booming and pouring rain since 4:30 this morning. Baillie, our cocker spaniel, is scared of the thunder, because she learned this from her former older "sister," Licorice, a black lab, who died last year. Cisco, the young shepherd mix the children gave my strong, quiet husband CB at Christmas, is not afraid.

I like rain, since I spent much of my life, before Corpus Christi, TX, in the Pacific Northwest. I am always deluded by the weather here though--as I look out the windows (and the air conditioner is running), I expect that it would be cool outside. Yes, it's somewhat "cooler," but still in the 80s and very humid.

The 13 year old addition that connects the sunroom (where two computers sit on different desks) with the laundry room and a bedroom has a roof that is leaking again. In more spots than ever. Over the past few years, CB has "fixed" various spots around the seeming origin--even so much as re-roofing that part of the roof. I'm glad he is so proficient at repairs. Now we have two buckets collecting water. . . .

I remember when I first moved to Corpus Christi from Oregon in 1978, I read an article in the local newspaper that warned about the coming onslaught of mosquitoes (after thunderstorms, like the current ones). I still recall that this article said that there are over 200 different varieties of mosquitoes, and they ALL live in this area. So in a week or so, those will be swarming. . . .

And I still like the rain.

Name Four Things

Avoiding walking away from the computer, here is a leap into the latest meme:

Four Jobs I've Had
elementary school teacher
pre-school teacher
typist
coffee shop cook/cashier

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over Again
The American President
Dave
Guarding Tess
Michael

Four Places I've Lived
(since I've been married)
Morristown, NJ
North Kingstown, RI
Richmond, VA
Corvallis, OR

Four Places I've Lived
(before marriage)
Yokosuka, Japan
Camp Pendleton, CA
Quantico, VA
Bellingham, WA

Four Places I've Vacationed
London, England
Berlin, Germany (visiting daughter AE)
Seoul, South Korea (visiting daughter AE)
Ashland, OR

Four of My Favorite Dishes
salmon
chocolate
raspberries (esp. grown in WA)
dungeness crab

Four Sites I Visit Daily
Email
My blog site
Friends and new friends' blogs
Amazon.com (almost daily!)

Four Places I'd Rather Be Right Now
Walking around Boulevard Park in Bellingham, WA as the sun sets
Living in my parents' house in Bellingham, which is rented out right now
Any place cool enough to walk outside (away from hot, muggy Corpus Christi, TX)
Seeing an outdoor play in Ashland, OR

When losing hope, pray.

The angst of the world, especially beyond our borders, makes me weep and moan, losing hope. There is still the Pax Christi bumper sticker on my desk, though not on my car, that says:
GOD BLESS THE WHOLE WORLD--NO EXCEPTIONS!

Seeking some help, I found this prayer by Walter Brueggemann:

You are the God who creates and recreates,

who judges and delivers,

who calls by name and makes new.

This much we gladly confess in praise and thanksgiving.

This much we trust and affirm . . .

Only to ponder the chance that we are too glib,

that we say more than we mean,

that we say more

than we can in fact risk.

We make our gingerly confession in a world filled

with those who cynically acknowledge none but themselves. . .

and we are their fellow travellers

with those who in vulnerability have no chance

but prayer to you . . .

and we stand in solidarity with them.

Thus we ask, beyond our critical reservations,

that you be your powerful, active, sovereign self.

Give us eyes to see your wonders around us;

Give us hearts to live into your risky miracles;

Give us tongues to praise you beyond our doubt.

For it is to you, only you, that we turn on behalf of the world

that waits in its deathliness for your act of life. Amen.

Walter Brueggemann

February 20, 2001

Brueggemann, Walter. Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth: Prayers of Walter

Brueggemann. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 2003. 124.

Another Poem

No, no, there is no going back.
Less and less you are
that possibility you were.
More and more you have become
those lives and deaths
that have belonged to you.
You have become a sort of grave
containing much that was
and is no more in time, beloved
then, now, and always.
And so you have become a sort of tree
standing over the grave.
Now more than ever you can be
generous toward each day
that comes, young, to disappear
forever, and yet remain
unaging in the mind.
Every day you have less reason
not to give yourself away.

~ Wendell Berry ~

This goes along with the wise words in the post below. Thanks to all who commented. And thanks be to God!

Digging in the Dirt, thanks to Diane!

Because of Diane's post at http://faithincommunity.blogspot.com/ I have been digging around in my dirt of self and am finding that seeds were planted by her post and other's thoughts, plus my own! "Start small" and "it's never too late" keep coming to mind.

While talking with a relatively new friend yesterday, I told her how my mother had been a "strong-willed" woman. My friend asked me if I thought I was, and sadly, I didn't. I admire strong-willed women, but think of myself in a weaker way. However, this friend told me she was often surprised at what I said about myself, because she didn't see what I was talking about!

There was something to ponder.

Yesterday afternoon I saw my spiritual director, who also happens to be the priest at my Episcopal Church. Because of the earlier talk with my friend, the topic of character was on my mind. I told him how I didn't think of myself as being strong-willed; that I see my 25 year old daughter AE as strong-willed; that his wife is strong-willed; that I admire women who are strong-willed. I was surprised when he told me that he sees me as being strong-willed, and he gave me some examples. THEN he said, "But sometimes you do not have courage."

That is true. So I'm pondering what these two people I respect said about me. And Diane's post about "Digging in the Dirt" and starting a garden keeps reminding me to "start small" and that "it's never too late."

Being in community fosters growth. I appreciate being in this blogging community. Thanks be to God!

24 days until the last Harry Potter book arrives!

We will learn what happens to Harry Potter in the last book of J. K Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows, on July 21, 2007 (unless you are not getting the book then). The books and the world of Hogwarts have enthralled me ever since they first appeared. Everyone in my family has read each one, often more than once--except for CB, my husband, ever the scientist. AE, my 25 year old daughter, even read one in Korean, while she was in South Korea. (She taught English there from 2003 to 2006.)

Following links along from Eighth Day Books http://www.eighthdaybooks.com/, I found this interesting article about the upcoming book and possible results. My liberal snobbishness comes out when I see that the article is from "Christianity Today," but I still liked what the author said.

If you are interested in Harry Potter and/or the new book, go to this site to read the article, "Waiting for Harry" http://www.christianitytoday.com/books/features/rumorsofglory/070625.html

Reading poetry aloud

When I read this poem today (three times!) aloud for the meditation at the beginning of the Wisdom Class reading group, I finally realized how important it is to read poetry out loud. Although I'd found this poem by Joy Harjo to be very meaningful when I read it silently to myself, when I read it aloud, the words came alive in a startling fashion.

So I suggest that you read the following poem aloud as you sit before this computer screen:

Eagle Poem

To pray you open your whole self
To sky, to earth, to sun, to moon
To one whole voice that is you.
And know there is more
That you can't see, can't hear
Can't know except in moments
Steadily growing, and in languages
That aren't always sound but other
Circles of motion.
Like eagle that Sunday morning
Over Salt River. Circles in blue sky
In wind, swept our hearts clean
With sacred wings.
We see you, see ourselves and know
That we must take the utmost care
And kindness in all things.
Breathe in, knowing we are made of
All this, and breathe, knowing
We are truly blessed because we
Were born, and die soon, within a
True circle of motion,
Like eagle rounding out the morning
Inside us.
We pray that it will be done
In beauty.
In beauty.

Joy Harjo ~

(How We Become Human: New and Selected Poems 1975-2001)

For other thoughts about poetry, go to Mompriest's posting at http://seekingauthenticvoice.blogspot.com/

"Nothing stays the same. Even if the view out your window is a vista known for many years, the view out your soul is constantly changing. Even if you stay put, you don't stay the same. Wherever you say them, today's prayers are different.

"Looking forward is nothing so simple as packing a suitcase. Looking forward means following a restless God to the next need and to the next discovery about life. It means letting God give you a new mind, a new heart, and wings to fly."

~By Tom Ehrich

http://www.onajourney.org/oaj/publications/meditation/20070625.jsp

Highlights from the conference on The New Cosmology

Dr. Brian Swimme spoke at the Oblate School of Theology's Summer Institute in San Antonio, TX on June 18-21:

• We're in the middle of a change of human consciousness. Our last cosmological view is exemplified by the painting in the Sistine Chapel of God reaching out to touch Adam's hand. Human kind thinks that creation occurs through "hands"--as in "take hold of the idea."
• The next galaxy of comparable size from our (Milky Way) galaxy is the Andromeda Galaxy, which is the furthest we can see with the naked eye. It is 2 1/2 million light years away from us. Back then there was homo habilis starting to use stone tools, but now we are beginning to see and understand galactic spaciousness--which also shows us the time dimension of human consciousness.
• We were not "placed" on a planet, but are emerging. Life is a deep expression of what was already here. [This goes along with Ken Wilber's thoughts in his book "Up From Eden."]
• Dr. Swimme talked about extinction and that about 20,000 species are eliminated each year in our current era. ["Based on a total of 10 million species, the current annual loss has been calculated to be 20,000 to 30,000 species."] http://www.grinningplanet.com/2004/07-13-2x/endangered-species-conservation-article.htm
• He said that the present moment is the worst in 65 million years, since the demise of the dinosaurs. Thus, he proposes this as the end of the cenozoic era and we're entering a new one.
• Swimme quoted Thomas Berry in suggesting that we need to learn how to live in a way that is "mutually enhancing"--which is moving from a world view of "hardware orientation" (earth is our "resource bin") to living in community/communion orientation.
• BIRTH OF A NEW ERA OF IMAGINATION: Do we have enough imagination to invent a new religion? [That's something to ponder. . . . .)
• REALIZE that the universe exists to display its beauty. (And we are IN the universe; thus a part of it.)
  
• EACH moment is the ultimate moment of fulfillment of the universe.
• Just to be what he/she is meant to be is fulfillment of the universe!

Also, go to http://www.viewfromthecenter.com/ to download a 6 minute viewing of the universe, which is spectacular. It brought tears to my eyes and realization of God's magnificence.

Our Own True Nature

A fish cannot drown in water,

A bird does not fall in air.

In the fire of its making,

Gold doesn’t vanish:

The fire brightens.

Each creature God made

Must live in its own true nature;

How could I resist my nature,

That lives for oneness with God?

~~Mechtild of Magdeburg

(1207? –1282? or 1297?)

Vote for your favorite first book!

I've always loved books, and when I found this link on the literacysite, I clicked on it to vote for my favorite first book. Evidently, you can vote on different days, because eventually the "state" chosen will receive 50,000 free books for children.

The book I voted for was "The Color Kittens" by Margaret Wise Brown. I love her books, especially "Good Night, Moon" and "The Runaway Bunny." However, I remember reading those last two books to MY children, but remember the first one being read to me.

http://www2.firstbook.org/whatbook/

Growing? Growing!

At the Oblate Institute, which was Monday through Wednesday, I met a woman who is a pediatrician and has her last child at home, who is my daughter MJ's age--who will be a senior and gone to college in a year. This person rents a hermitage at Lebh Shomea, something I never imagined a lay person doing! She plans to live there for long periods after her daughter graduates from high school. But what drew me most was her description of her prayer life in the past year. She gets up at 3 am to pray and prays and prays. This I learned--when I asked if she could maintain the 4-5 hours of daily prayer they urge of residents at Lebh Shomea--and she said she could and wants to sit with God more and more.

How I want that. I yearn for God, but can't sit more than 30-60 minutes, depending upon the day and time. I yearn to be in prayer like that. When I'm not praying, I'm yearning for that. (Now I would tell someone I was spiritually directing, that that is also prayer--but do I think that for myself??) In my little way, maybe I'm moving there.

She struck me so much that I approached Fr. Kelly when he was getting a dish of melon at the salad bar at lunch. I told him about meeting this woman, whom he directs, and how I wanted to be like her in prayer. I told him I wanted God to grow me into prayer like this and how will it happen!! Fr. Kelly smiled at me, and said reassuringly, "You are growing now; you are growing."

Thank you. Live in the moment. Don't anticipate. Don't get spiritually greedy. Trust God. All will be well.

Blogging

I am excited by the various people who have left comments, especially Nancy and Judy from yesterday. Thank you, friends. I am amazed at how blogging keeps one connected with others, plus helping one to be communicating with new friends.

I am surprised/amazed that I could put a picture here--somehow, some way. It was taken on Easter when I was 5 in Lynden, WA, when my dad was overseas in Japan. We were living in a little house behind my mother's parents' bigger house. It was next to the Nooksack River. Only my mother, my little black cocker spaniel Inky, and I lived there for a year.

My grandpa was a stern, quiet man who smoked a pipe and had a red cocker spaniel named Rusty. (He had several different Rusty's in his lifetime). My nana was sedentary with an ulcerated leg, and I don't remember much about her. I know my grandpa had been an Anglican in England before he moved to Canada and then the US, but no longer attended church. My nana was a practicing Christian Scientist. They met in Saskatchewan, Canada, where my mother was born in 1919. They moved to Lynden, Washington (or the USA) when my mother was seven years old and her older sister, Janet, was 14.

During the depression my grandfather would travel along the border, back and forth, seeking work as a carpenter. When he reached Lynden, he put on a roof for someone, who refused to pay him. He stayed until he was paid, which is why the family followed him to live in Lynden! I never heard if he actually was paid, but it must have taken a long while, if he was.

5 Things about Jesus

Looking at Serena's blog, I decided to be tagged about writing 5 things about Jesus, though I don't know whom to tag or anything else, even though the directions say to tag 5 others! Maybe someone will do that from here. . . . say so in your comment!

1. One with God
2. Cosmic Christ (Piere Teilhard de Chardin)*
3. True self/authentic
4. Compassion
5. Humility/dependence upon the Father

This may show my confusion or knowledge (or both) about Jesus. After being at this conference in San Antonio and hearing Fr. Kelly Nemeck (co-founder of Lebh Shomea www.lebhshomea.org) explain a little bit about his years of study, meditation, and prayer about Piere Teilhard de Chardin* and hearing the cosmology of Dr. Brian Swimme, I am awed by God/Christ as Universe.
I have so much to learn and so much to try to understand. I came home to my chemist husband, who already knew these facts about the expanding universe I just learned about. I've never thought of myself as "scientific," even though my two daughters have been interested in chemistry, like their dad.

At OST 2007 Summer Institute

I'm sitting in the Oblate's school library, just like I so often did when attending classes here in the past seven years. I am grateful that I came to this summer institute held here, which is entitled "Preserving the Integrity of Creation: Eco-Spirituality and Eco-ethics." The keynote speaker is Dr. Brian Swimme http://www.brianswimme.org/ whose website title is "The New Cosmology."

Last night he gave an amazing talk, with pictures included of aspects of the universe, which may appear on his website, that brought forth a little understanding about quantum physics, but a greater feeling of awe and wonder at the ever-expanding universe. Creation continues within and without! Brian started off by talking about the change of human consciousness and that we are in the middle of it--what synchronicity, since I've been reading books by Ken Wilber (Up From Eden, especially) and Beatrice Bruteau (The Grand Option) in which they postulate the evolving universe and humanity with the next leap of consciousness imminent--and that this can only be accomplished through greater awareness of the Divine, so both urge people to meditate/pray daily. It is so comforting to me, as I look at the dreadful ways humans are treating each other and the earth, to be shown hope that God is continuing to grow all of creation, which we are an infinitesimal part--but still a part. Minds are becoming aware of the Unity of All and urging us to SEE.

Two more talks by Dr. Swimme this afternoon and tonight. If I'm as overwhelmed as I was last night, sometimes even with tears, who knows when I'll be able to write about any of it??

Tibet

Rent and watch the dvd "Tibet--Cry of the Snow Lion"! I watched it yesterday and cannot stop thinking about it. Here's the plot synopsis according to amazon:

"Ten years in the making, this feature-length documentary was filmed during a remarkable nine journeys throughout Tibet, India and Nepal. CRY OF THE SNOW LION brings audiences to the long-forbidden "rooftop of the world" with an unprecedented richness of imagery... from rarely-seen rituals in remote monasteries, to horse races with Khamba warriors; from brothels and slums in the holy city of Lhasa, to magnificent Himalayan peaks still traveled by nomadic yak caravans. The dark secrets of Tibet's recent past are powerfully chronicled through riveting personal stories and interviews, and a collection of undercover and archival images never before assembled in one documentary. A definitive exploration of a legendary subject, TIBET: CRY OF THE SNOW LION is an epic story of courage and compassion."

However, the synopsis does not mention the oppression and torture of the Tibetans by the Chinese. That continues on today as the Chinese try to obliterate the Tibetan culture and peoples.

Can't Sleep

It's been Father's Day. I don't have a father anymore or a mother. Oldest son DC came from Austin with his wife AA to visit for Father's Day. They even showed up at the Habitat House groundbreaking/blessing for the next house being built by the Methodist Church! That surprised and pleased us, as their dad is working there three days a week and has organized the volunteers from FUMC. It's always nice to have DC and AA around, because they are bubbley, talkative, and fun together. (DC teases and AA bubbles!)

I'm going to San Antonio tomorrow for the next three days to attend the Oblate Summer Institute at the Oblate School of Theology. A friend is driving with me, and we are going to go to the classes offered. Brian Swimme is the main speaker, and this is said about him:
For mathematical cosmologist Brian Swimme, the universe is a continuous, radiant, numinous revelation. Contemplating the wonders of the unfolding creativity of the cosmos is a mystical, ecstatic, awe-inspiring event.
Workshops will be held conducted by such excellent people as Fr. Ronald Rolheiser (who is now the President of OST), Fr. Kelly Nemeck of Lebh Shomea, and Sr. Sarah Sharkey, my favorite professor at OST.
This event will go on for three days, and I will be there. It will be nice to be back in the OST school grounds again--AND they'll let me use the computers in the library!

The Invitation

In this morning's homily, Fr. David included a reading of "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Climber. It was so beautiful that I had to find it on google:

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

© Mountaindreaming, from the book The Invitation published by HarperSanFrancisco, 1999

On my bulletin board

On my bulletin board are these quotes:

In the way of God,
thoughts count very little.

Love does it all.
~Brother Lawrence

THE REAL WORK

It may be that when we no longer know what to do
we have come to our real work.

and that when we no longer know which way to go
we have come to our real journey.

The mind that is not baffled is not employed.

The impeded stream is the one that sings.
~Wendell Berry

Our faith and our friendships
are not shattered by one big act,
but by many small neglects.
~J. Gustav White

Like the wind searching,
lifting feathers round
the sparrow's neck,
lifting leaves in a wave
across the bean field,
I find no place
where I can say,
here my being ends.
~Colin Oliver

Sustain in me a willing spirit.
~Psalm 51:12

Absence of God

God is always present, or so they say. I believe that, despite the absence I usually feel. Ever since Father Makothokat said in a class entitled "God as Trinity" at Oblate School of Theology (OST), I take solace in the thought that the feeling of emptiness is a sign of God's presence. Anytime I become aware of "no God", that is the Divine Spirit touching me. (Fr. M. based this on Karl Rahner's volumnous writings.) God always acts first, and we respond. So in my wondering about where God is or even if God exists, there the Holy One is.

It reminds me of Kierkegaard's wonderful prayer:

You have loved us first, O God, alas! We speak of it in terms of history as if You have only loved us first but a single time, rather than that without ceasing You have loved us first many things and every day and our whole life through. When we wake up in the morning and turn our soul toward You - You are the first - You have loved us first; if I rise at dawn and at the same second turn my soul toward You in prayer, You are there ahead of me, You have loved me first. When I withdraw from the distractions of the day and turn my soul toward You, You are the first and thus forever. And yet we always speak ungratefully as if You have loved us first only once.

And this brings me back to the impact La Leche League (see two posts below) had on my life, which I now attribute to God's lavish love. I was not seeking the Holy, but I can see now how the Divine brought me the help, support, encouragement, and friendship I needed as a new mother. Learning to wholeheartedly give myself to my babies was a gift for someone like me who was so often seeking "the rules" to live by. God seeks the good in every situation, and so I was guided to look for that, too. I found community in La Leche League. I also found my dear, dear friend LT, whose three children are about the same ages of my first three--plus, she was MJ's 4 year old teacher and first grade teacher, besides seeing MJ after her birth even before the pediatrician.

When I see love in action, as LLL helped me to live, I choose to see God's presence. If I perceive the Holy when I don't feel anything AND when I feel or see love, that means that God is always present.

La Leche League

Katherine asked what La Leche League is, and since LLL had such a profound affect on my life, especially as a mother, I want to write a little about it. Basically, La Leche League is a mother-to-mother support group that meets monthly to encourage breastfeeding and loving guidance for discipline (more like, gently promoting natural consequences). Another draw for me was the group library, which contained informative and helpful books about pregnancy, childbirth, infant nutrition and care, breastfeeding, etc.

I started attending meetings when I was pregnant with my first child DC and kept going until my youngest child MJ was in kindergarten (1979-1994). I became a leader the year AE was born (1982). You always bring your baby/toddler/child(ren) with you to meetings, so the children play while the mothers talk and help each other. Through LLL, I learned how to parent, how a baby isn't spoiled by being held, and that breastfeeding is best when done on demand (or the desire of the baby, unless he/she sleeps too much). Without any family nearby (all in Washington), I needed the help and encouragement I received from other moms at LLL, wherever we moved. I also made lifetime friends through LLL.

The LLLI website is http://www.lalecheleague.org/
You can find out how seven mothers in the 1950's started meeting for support, because breastfeeding in the USA was down to 20% and they could find little or no support from doctors, family, or friends. The mission statement of the organization is:

Our Mission is to help mothers worldwide to breastfeed through mother-to-mother support, encouragement, information, and education, and to promote a better understanding of breastfeeding as an important element in the healthy development of the baby and mother.

(From LLLI Policies and Standing Rules Notebook, May 89; rev Apr 93)

8 Random Facts

Katherine (www.meaningandauthenticity.blogspot.com) tagged me for this "8 Random Facts" list, but I don't know anyone else who blogs! So this is probably stopping at this point with me, and luckily Katherine tagged someone else besides me.

1. I'm an only child, the daughter of an only child, and I'm the mother of four children.
(Children: oldest son DC, oldest daughter AE, middle son BJ, youngest daughter MJ)

2. I've had six cocker spaniels in my life. The current one is a sweet blonde cocker named Baillie. When AE was an angry 14 year old adolescent, who would lock herself in her bedroom, she unexpectedly gave me a blond cocker spaniel puppy. She invited me into her room, and there was this darling, little puppy AE had bought for me on her bed.

3. I have a very low voice and am told by my husband that I cannot keep a tune. (He periodically tells me this while we're singing at church.) I remember being in 5th grade and singing on the phone with my best girl friend singing on the other end.

4. I like to write letters and send cards to people. I also think it is important to write thank you notes. While the children were at home, every Christmas I would make a check-off list for all the notes to be written, including their dad and me. The list stayed up on the refrigerator until all the notes were written.

5. I have been an elementary school teacher in Washington State, Oregon, Virginia, and Texas. I liked teaching 2nd grade best, although teaching 2 year olds was a lot of fun in the 1990's. When C. was in grad school at Oregon State University, I taught at Eddyville, which was a spot on the road to the coast and only had a school, a church, and a post office in a trailer. There were 250 kids in K-12.

6. I was a La Leche League leader for 12 years.

7. I hang clothes on the clothesline and have done so ever since we moved to Texas in 1978. I hang everything except permanent press items outside. (Though since C. retired in 2002, there are few such types of clothes to wash anymore.) I love to hang clothes out on the line!

8. I own my parents' house in Bellingham, Washington, which we have rented since my father died in 1993. After MJ finishes high school next year (2008), we have to decide if we want to move back there. So many friends live in TX, plus in the next few years DC and his wife may have children. . . . In an ideal world, we'd summer there and winter here, but that's pretty expensive, and we'd have to sell one of the houses. . . . So I own a house in Bellingham.

Let me know if someone wants to be tagged to do this!

My Dualistic Thinking

In our weekly lectio group today, we meditated upon the Gospel scripture from this week's lectionary: Luke 7:36-8:3. This is the story of the woman annointing Jesus' feet with oil and her tears and kisses at a dinner given by Simon, a pharisee.

7:44 Then turning toward the woman, he said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has bathed my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair.

7:45 You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not stopped kissing my feet.

7:46 You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment.

7:47 Therefore, I tell you, her sins, which were many, have been forgiven; hence she has shown great love. But the one to whom little is forgiven, loves little."

I was oddly struck by the word "not" in two instances, where they meant opposites in a way. "She has not stopped kissing" and "you did not anoint my head"--The first indicates that the woman kept kissing, and the second shows what Simon did not do. Of course, two negatives make a positive, but I am still more aware of my tendency to view things as positive or negative, good or bad, and right or wrong. The word "not" was really both positive and negative in those cases.

It reminds me of taking an ethics class from Maria Cimperman at Oblate School of Theology. I still remember being surprised that "habits" were not only "bad habits"--that we can have good habits, also. (Probably because I'm always too aware of my bad habits. . . .)

This shows my tendency to label/judge things in a dualistic manner, instead of accepting them as they are. Too often I label myself and/or my actions this way, instead of accepting myself as I am right at this moment. Gloria tells the story of her husband, Rev. Dick Lear, who said that when we die and enter Heaven, God will ask each of us, "Why weren't you yourself?" and for me, "Why weren't you Jan Hilton?"

The human tendency to think dualistically is why acceptance is so important in that 12-Step aphorism awareness, acceptance, action. No one can turn towards God in action until we accept what we've done objectively--and that takes awhile to see it neither as "good" or "bad," because when we're occupied on judging ourselves, we are not looking at God at all. In judging oneself, one is engaged in idolatry and placing oneself as judge above God.

I must accept things as they are and as I am before I can repent and see God right then at that moment. I must give up my supposed control and accept God's acceptance, love, and forgiveness as REALITY.

Poetry Chaikhana

If you like inspirational and/or mystical poetry, you will like Poetry Chaikhana (http://www.poetry-chaikhana.com/). The site master is a poet, who also lives in my hometown of Bellingham, Washington. He chooses a beautiful poem each day, and always includes his own reflections on that piece. I am blessed to receive this in my inbox everyday. You, too, can subscribe by going to the website. It is free, but donations are helpful.

Today webmaster Ivan displayed a poem by Mary Oliver--"Have You Ever Tried to Enter the Long Black Branches?" It is beautiful and addresses one taking the risk to be vulnerable or "to die". Here is a short excerpt:

Well, there is time left --
fields everywhere invite you into them.

And who will care, who will chide you if you wander away
from wherever you are, to look for your soul?

Quickly, then, get up, put on your coat, leave your desk!

To put one's foot into the door of the grass, which is
the mystery, which is death as well as life, and
not be afraid!

To set one's foot in the door of death, and be overcome
with amazement!

from West Wind: Poems and Prose Poems, by Mary Oliver

Avoidance

Although a friend and I committed together to work on projects we've both been avoiding, I still have not done anything. I have seen myself looking at the options of writing/researching and something else like reading and choosing to do the more attractive and indulgent activity, which usually is reading (what I want to). Now I am seeing this friend for lunch on Monday, which is a regular weekly event, so I either work tonight or tomorrow morning! I know it's a surrendering, because once I start, I'll have to keep going. . . .

Another avoidance occurred with someone before church today. I sensed he was going to ignore me, so I ignored him--and then he hugged me! I still pretended I wanted to talk to the person right behind him. I know this is a habitual behavior from my childhood--not to seem needy, not to "bother" the person. This is avoiding the risk of being rejected, but it ends up I diminish my connections with others through my perceptions of their future rejection, which may or may not occur. I'm damning them and myself before anything happens! This is definitely NOT living in the present moment. The good thing about this is I realized the feelings that I acted upon minutes later, so as Fr. David would say, my "teacher" appeared. Thank you, Lord.

Someone once told me that Jesus on the cross shows us how to interact--by spreading our arms open to welcome the other. Such vulnerability is what I desire, but am afraid of. From years of attending Al-Anon meetings, I remember the aphorism--awareness, acceptance, action. (I always think this describes repentance--turning back to God.) Today I've been given awareness, and I think I am beginning to accept that this is a pattern within me, so perhaps the Holy Spirit will help me to act in a different way when I can be aware of those feelings, before I react without thinking. I want to show God's love, but that isn't possible when I am hiding myself from others.

Fr. David preached today about the Widow of Nain, pointing out that the people called the young man raised and speaking "the prophet"! He'd seen the abundance of life beyond death and so had much to say. We are to be prophets each one of us. That's possible if I'm not avoiding people or things. Living into the fullness of myself, wide open arms to welcome the possibility for life, not death, as I fear. Take a risk! Right now, at this moment, God is here loving me, you, all. Let's open our arms, or at least our eyes!

Give me your hand

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are words we dimly hear:

You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like flame
and make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.

~ Rainer Maria Rilke ~

(Rilke’s Book of Hours: Love Poems to God, translated by Anita Barrows and Joanna Macy)

Quiet House

Everyone is asleep, except me. I have an office across from the main bathroom, which is where our big fluffy cat sleeps every night. We have to shut the door, so she won't come and scratch on various bedroom doors as we are sleeping. Usually when she hears me up, she pounds on the bathroom door to be let out. No noise, so Gracie must be sleeping.

It also seems very quiet these days because my youngest daughter, 17 year old MJ is away on work crew at Laity Lodge Youth Camp in Leakey, TX. She left last Friday, and I miss her. This is giving me a taste of an "empty nest." I cannot call or email her, which I'll be able to do when she goes away to college. So this adjustment to her being gone is much more extreme than it will be when she goes off to college, except that this will END in one month.

When I worried that she would be unduly influenced by the many fundamentalists at Laity Lodge, MJ reassured me that she did not believe that Jesus is the only way to God. I'm glad she can believe that God is greater than Christianity or any other religion. We try to box God in, but that is impossible. God's loving creation continues to expand and include us all as we are invited to join in the way God is connecting us to life and everything in life, including people who look different or think differently. Please open our hearts so we can see YOU in each person and so will love you in them. As I used to hear on an AA tape, "Let the God in me reach out to the God in you. . . ."

In the way of God,

thoughts count very little.

Love does it all.

by Brother Lawrence

Depression

Since my talk at All Saints, I've been thinking about depression and how that plagues so many people. I remember telling a friend after I returned from treatment that I was feeling depressed, and she told me that I seemed okay to her. I still remember this incident because she did not understand or try to understand me. Too often we do not see beyond the exterior smiles of someone to know how they really are. When we ask how someone is, do we really want to know?

That reminds me of the people in Zambia, who would shake each person's hand and ask, "How are you?" AND wait for the reply--in rapt attention. (I was in Zambia one year ago, perhaps having someone do just that.) Who do we give our whole attention to?

Here's a poem by Hafiz about depression:

I know the voice of depression
Still calls to you.

I know those habits that can ruin your life
Still send their invitations.

But you are with the Friend now
And look so much stronger.

You can stay that way
And even bloom!

Praying in Bible School

Just got back from a windy and humid walk with my Sunday walking friend. Corpus Christi is always saved by its wind, but the stickiness still assualts you!

Katherine told me about using Cokesbury materials on prayer for this week's Bible School at her small church. She told me about stations for making prayers, talking about prayer, ideas for prayer, and so many good activities. It may be chaos at times, but God will be working AND the kids will be hearing about prayer and will pray!

I have recently become newly aware of no one showing me or talking to me about how to pray as I grew up . Not only as I was growing up, but as a young adult. I never thought about it until that Methodist minister in NJ (in 1992) told me to pray until I believed, just like John Wesley was told to preach until he believed. That instruction brought me to awareness of God being with me--by praying, even when I didn't know the point!

I am so glad that there are instructional materials about prayer for children. I'm grateful that they'll at least hear about prayer They'll see it done and know that prayer is something to do! They'll experience it. Seeds will be planted, whether it looks like it or not, within the children.

God's in control

While writing my talk for the All Saints Episcopal Church women's luncheon, I kept seeing that I didn't see God, but God was in charge! One example was prayer, and how God brings forth praxis, while things I try to control often don't happen.

I had to leave for the church at 11 today, so I had lots of time to refine and revise my talk. After hanging clothes out on the clothesline, I set the timer for 45 minutes at 9:15 to sit with God. The phone rang with someone asking my 17 year old daughter MJ to be on the express soccer team, which will excite her very much. (Though she's away at a camp in the hill country of Texas, near Leakey, so she won't hear about it for awhile. Her cell phone doesn't work in the canyon there.) It was 10:30, and I hadn't pushed "start" on the timer of the microwave! I'd prayed/meditated/centered (whatever) for over an hour! What a surprise.

I kept chuckling afterwards, because God arranged for me to NOT obsess about what I was going to say! I had to surrender and let go, even about time. Thank you.

The talk went well. Someone told me I was "authentic" and a dear, older woman told me I should become a priest! Several people shared about their own experiences with depression and/or suicide. I feel much more connected. And my friend Margie came, too, even though she belongs to a different church. I am blessed by people I so foolishly think don't care! (That's the trap of self-idolatry I periodically fall into, but somewhat less often these days.)

God is All

As I write the talk I am giving to the women of All Saints tomorrow at their luncheon, I am newly aware of God as ALL--all time is in God. Even when I am unaware for years, as I was in my younger years, God was, is, and always will be.
I have become aware of God's continued openings to me throughout my life. I still don't realize them all and probably never will, but I am beginning to see a few. How could I not know that God was drawing me in when I asked to be baptized and confirmed in St. Paul's Episcopal Church in Bellingham, WA when I was in 11th grade? No one else suggested or invited me to. My parents didn't care one way or the other about "religion." God cared.

For a long time I confused God and "church" and "Christianity", which I think my children probably still do, except maybe Margaret. Humans created church and each religion as pointers to the Holy, but eventually all these seem to elevate themselves to autocratic idolatry. I've done this, too. God is ALL--the Holy One who loves. As I read in Beverly Ann's column for All Saints Episcopal Church (http://allsaintscorpuschristi.org/)--
"What I find important, as well as ministering, is that God, in whatever Form or Person, loves me through all Eternity. . . Our love for everything in the Earth replicates that love God has for us. Because God loves us, we can love, Meister Eckhart went even further, saying that he didn't thank God for loving him, 'because God's very nature requires that God love.' I believe our very nature requires that we love."