Doubts

"DOUBTS are the ants in the pants of FAITH."

~~Frederick Buechner

Too hot!

Feeling befuddled today, the last day of March, with an all-time-high-temperature of 93 degrees F. here in Corpus Christi, TX. It is the last day of March!

I want to appreciate the last days of our "spring" with the wildflowers profusely blooming. This time of year in Texas is usually reminiscent of summers I remember from living in Bellingham, WA. BUT not at 93 degrees!

My daughter's Chemistry Research

Info About RA in 1 minute

Be Silent

Surrender in Christ

God said,

"Dear child, I have shown you that no guilt on earth can be atoned by experiencing suffering simply as pain to be endured. Only when suffering is accepted with longing, love, and heartfelt contrition does it have meaning. The value is not in the suffering, but in the soul's God-focused desire, while suffering. This desire and all other virtues possess value and life solely through my only begotten-Son--Christ crucified--because his surrender is the power of your love. Through virtue, the soul can follow his sacrificial footsteps. This surrendering in Christ is the only way suffering has value in reconciling the soul to me.

"This reconciliation is accomplished through a gentle, unifying love born from the sweet knowledge of my goodness and generated through the godly sorrow of the heart discovering its sinful nature. This self-awareness gives birth to a genuine contempt for one's sin and for the soul's selfish sensuality. It also creates a vibrant, sustaining humility. So you see, those who know genuine contrition and humility can suffer without growing impatient. In fact, that is how they repent."

~~Catherine of Siena: Dialogue

Butcher, Carmen Acevedo. Following Christ: A Lenten Reader to Stretch Your Soul. Brewster, Mass.: Paraclete Press, 2010. 99.

This is also posted today at the RevGals' prayer blog A Place for Prayer. Prayers are posted there daily, so please visit here, too!

Make the World More Beautiful

Miss Rumphius is one of my most favorite children's books. Its message is about a strong and adventurous young woman who becomes the crazy "Lupine Lady" in her old age, because her grandfather taught her that she must do something to make the world more beautiful. That is a message we all need.

This video shows you the picturebook while it is beautifully read by Tara Rose Stromberg. (It is 12 minutes long, but is well worth the time.)

It all adds up!

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. 

Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, 

but instantly set about remedying them – every day begin the task anew. "
– Saint Francis de Sales

Eknath Easwaran writes:



"While we were living on the Blue Mountain in India, we noticed that our local bank had a very neighborly arrangement for collecting funds from the villagers. Poor villagers have very little to save, only a few copper pennies at most. To encourage them to deposit even these few pennies every day, the bank employed a boy with a bicycle to go into the village to their homes, collect their few coppers, and enter the total in their account.

"In meditation it is the same: when the Self comes, we can say, 'We are no great saint, but a few times today we have tried to be patient. A few times today we have tried to put our family first. A few times today we have resisted some little craving for personal satisfaction.' This is how most of us are going to make progress for a long time: a few pennies here, a few pennies there, collected every day. But in these innumerable little acts of selflessness lies spiritual growth, which over a long period can transform every one of us into a loving person. To quote the bank advertisement, 'It all adds up.'"

 1000 pennies = $10.00

The Thought for the Day is today's entry from Eknath Easwaran's Words to Live By. (Copyright 1999 and 2005 by The Blue Mountain Center of Meditation.)

Books Without Batteries

I love books! And right now I am enjoying the newest novel of one of my favorite mystery writers (Jacqueline Winspear). It is a new hardback book so that I can loan it to friends and to my youngest daughter! It looks really good: Elegy for Eddie.

So I am going back to reading the newest Maisie Dobbs mystery!

Easter Egg Tree in Germany

Tradition of the Families Kraft and Rumrich of Saalfeld, Germany

70,000 Veils

Muslim Hadith (narrations about deeds and words of Mohammed)

“God hides himself behind 70,000 veils of light and darkness. If he took away the veils, the penetrating light of his Face would at once destroy the sight of any creature who dares to look at it.”

A Sufi Saint of the 20^th Century by Martin Ling

“Before we can experience the ‘Face’ (presence), however, we have to remove the veils that come between us and the ‘Face.’ If the goal of prayer, then, is to see the ‘Face of God,’ the task of prayer is to remove the veils that prevent us from seeing. . . . God removes the veils.

“The veils are not in God, but in us. The Divine Being is translucent. It is our being that is veiled, that is beclouded by illusions that hide reality; that of the world. Veiled in illusions, we cannot see what is actually present to us.” (14)

Seeking the Face of God by William H. Shannon

Irish Apple Cake

Irish Apple Cake

In the past few weeks, I have made this Irish Apple Cake twice. Both times it turned out looking like the picture above and was delicious.

It has so many apple slices in it that there doesn't seem to be enough batter, but it cooks together very nicely. While the cake is baking, it smells like an apple pie!

Irish Apple Cake

Ingredients:
5 apples
2 cups all-purpose flour
3 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 cup butter at room temperature
Pinch of salt
2 eggs, beaten
Splash of milk
1/2 cup of sugar
Handful of granulated sugar

1. Preheat your oven to 375 degrees F.
2. Throw flour, baking powder, and salt all together in a large bowl. Go for a bowl bigger than the one you usually use as you'll need a little elbow room to mix in the apples.
3. Cut in your butter until the mixture resembles lumpy breadcrumbs.

4. Peel and core your apples.
Note: Irish apple recipes always call for "cooking apples," a wonderful oversized apple perfectly designed for apple tarts and cakes. Of course, there is no such thing as a cooking apple in the States, I suppose because there are so many apples this side of the Atlantic fighting for the title. I use Granny Smiths, because I favor the tart taste, but you can use the apple of your eye, whatever variety it may be.
5. Slice your apples thinly and them fling them in to the flour mixture, along with the half cup of superfine sugar.
6. Now, dig in there with your paws and mix it up. This is a hearty--not pretty--cake, so don't be shy.

7. Add the eggs and the splash of milk to make a messy doughy mix, and slap it all into your baking pan. I use a silicone cake pan, so I don't have to grease a pan or struggle to release the finished cake. 

(Jan: I used a spring form pan, which easily released the cake, even when warm.)

8. Sprinkle generously with your handful (or more) of granulated sugar and then pop it in the oven for 40--45 minutes, until it is golden brown and you can no longer control yourself with the smell of hot apples. Tip: stick a toothpick in the middle of the cake and if it comes out gooey, give it another five minutes in the oven.

Good Things (and a new book!)

• Tonight my daughter AE sent me this lovely spring picture from Seattle and said she thought of me on her walk. I love daffodils and, even more, love that my eldest daughter thought of me and told me about it!

• The RA pain that surprised me this week depressed me at its return. I took this as a lesson from God to see how easily I can fall into either/or (good/bad) thinking--as I succumbed to imagining I'd be saddled with RA pain and would not be able to do my shoulder exercises and thus would get more disabled. Fortuitously, the bi-weekly Humira shot did its magic a few days after its intake. I am lucky that the medicine is still working in my body, which gave me the relief to realize that I tend to fall into disaster-thinking and should instead appreciate the day at hand.

• The worst day of pain was re-aligned in my mind by a phone call from eldest son DC. He called to tell me that his daughter Avery had seen my picture on my blog and said "Nana" for the first time (for me)! He kept asking her who the picture was, and she continued to repeat "Nana" much to my joy.

• I just read a really good book that I consider to be better than The Hunger Games. It is The Passage by Justin Cronin, who is an English professor at Rice University in Houston, TX. He is going to be the speaker at the Corpus Christi Literary Reading Series next weekend, which is why I purchased the book in the first place. A friend told me it was about "vampires," which made it sound like sensationalism. That could be a description of the evil forces that come about through a South American virus, but it is more a tale of redemption. It is 700+ pages long and is the first in a planned trilogy in a dystopian USA. I liked it even better when I read the interview with the author at the end of the book.

Prayer is a Blank Page

This Lent I am re-visiting a Lenten book by Emilie Griffin called Small Surrenders, which is currently marked 60% off its list price at Amazon. I am struck again by Griffin's metaphor of prayer as a "blank page."

Griffin quotes Murray Bodo: "Sometimes there might be no words, but only a blank page created by silence and space. . . . But you are in the process of praying." (83)

(Finding that link for Murray Bodo excited me when I learned that he is a Franciscan priest.)

Now for Emilie Griffin's words:

"Possibly the blank page is a test, a trial, a kind of formation." (84)

"Even more, we must come to understand that this emptiness, this blank page, is prayer. It is more than an invitation to pray. It is actually prayer. We are making a small and needed surrender to the way things are: we are relenting, we are unwinding." (85)

Griffin, Emilie. Small Surrenders: A Lenten Journey. Brewster, Massachusetts: Paraclete Press, 2007.

Also posted today at A Place for Prayer, a ministry of RevGalBlogPals. 

Gay Marriage

With thanks to Katherine on Pininterest. Katherine is the person who first motivated me to start blogging back in 2006.

More About My Hair

For months I have been unhappy with my hair as it seems to have changed texture with its change to white and my intake of methotextrate (a chemo drug) for RA. With the wind constantly blowing in Corpus Christi, my hair is further ruffled.

At physical therapy on Friday, my physical therapist Pam suggested that I "embrace the curl." Following that appointment, I had my hair cut. Dee has been cutting my hair for the past 18 years. She agreed that the texture had changed and suggested letting the top curl--by cutting it different lengths. So here I am.

It is a little difficult to adjust to the new image in the mirror--after 60 years of smooth hair. This is my new reality and so I am announcing it here.

With my daughter AE and husband CB's help, I got a new picture for FB and my profile here. CB took the photo and AE lightened it for me.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

Friday Five: Late!!

All day I have looked repeatedly at RevGals to see where today's Friday Five is. I even thought of volunteering to do it for someone else. . . . AND only right now, at 2 pm in Texas, do I realize I am the one in charge! I am sorry I am so late and forgetful.

That brings forth all the times I've been late or forgot something. How about you?

When have you been late or a no-show? When have you forgotten something or someone?

1. at church
My mind is blissfully absent about such events at church right now. A funny family story is that when MJ was about 5 years old, she was left in the church nursery until 10 pm. My husband and I had attended a western dance class, and I had left him there to go on to an Al-Anon meeting. When I got home after 9 o'clock, I asked the kids, "Where is MJ?" No one knew and she wasn't in her room! Then I went to find CB at his computer and asked him. His first reply was, "I don't know," and then he realized he had not remembered her at church! She was all alone with the caregiver named Dominga and she was not worried at all, though I bet Dominga was! (This is before everyone had cell phones.)

2. at home
It is easy to forget/put off things at home, especially making phone calls, which seem to be hard for me to initiate. Lately, I have been forgetting to call my dentist's office for a check-up. There!--I remembered (for the moment).

3. at work
In college I worked at the coffee shop at the student union. Much to my chagrin, I kept forgetting how to make coffee in those huge urns. I would put the coffee in after removing the used filter, forgetting to put in a new filter--as I was rushing around doing other things. I'd never discover it until the coffee was "done" and coffee grounds would come out with the liquid. THEN the urn had to be drained and cleaned out. This was a long and irritating process, especially with hordes of students wanting coffee!

4. with friends
Foremost in my mind is me today forgetting to put up the Friday Five for RevGalBlogPals!

5. ? where else?
In 2005 my husband CB and I were nominated as "best of the best" or something like that at our former Methodist church. Traditionally, it is a church family event where those honored are surprised. To get us there, a friend told me that Chuck was nominated. I tried to get him to go, but he wouldn't. So neither of us attended the event to honor those who had excelled at service that year, even though we were one set of the honorees.

My Heart

Give me a pure heart--that I may see Thee,

A humble heart--that I may hear Thee,

A heart of love--that I may serve Thee,

A heart of faith--that I may abide in Thee.

~~Dag Hammarskjold

Also posted today at A Place for Prayer, a ministry of RevGalBlogPals.

Question to Ask

Instead of the questions about what I believe or don't, Diana Butler Bass in her new book Christianity After Religion says we need to ask

Who am I in God?

Who am I through God?

That is a totally different question than asking oneself, "Who am I?"

Later I will write more about this book, as it is going to be the new Wisdom Class book at All Saints Episcopal Church, which is a weekly reading group on Tuesday mornings.

BW (before white) Hair

At this morning's Wisdom Class, we talked about the chapter on "Aging" in Lauren Winner's Mudhouse Sabbath. We had a really good discussion about aging and dying.

One item I mentioned was that I have noticed my white hair in the midst of women in Russia, Spain, Canada, and the USA in the past few years and have felt marked as "old." It seemed like most women, even older than me, colored their hair. I stopped doing that soon after DC and AA's wedding in September 2006. Someone in our class then asked me what was the color before I let it go "natural"? Brown.

So here is a picture of AA and me (with brown hair) the afternoon before the Rehearsal Dinner for her wedding:

My hair was longer than it is now, but also a better texture. My hair has gotten very fly-away since taking methotextrate (for RA) in the past year--I've lost some hair and it grows back in-- obviously shorter. I am not sure that I'll ever stop taking that chemo-drug, because it with Humira stops the RA inflammation in my joints. The side effect of "witchy" hair is better than painful and swollen joints!

Stages of Aging

Once I hit 60 years old and let my hair go white, I've felt pushed into an "old" category. And today I saw the stages of "old" that I heard about at a United Methodist conference on senior adults some years ago:

65-74 young-old

75-84 old

85 and older old-old

I'm not even "young-old" yet! Although, I am taken aback that my mother died when she was young-old.

All these categories are meaningless, especially when you consider that they all indicate age.

Avery is visiting!

Friday Five: Woman Edition

For today's RevGalBlogPals Friday Five, Revkjarla brings us this:

So, since I am in the WR mode, let's talk about women in your life!

1. Name a woman author you very much love to read.
Terri put down lots of mystery authors, whom I also love. However, I would like to add Jacqueline Winspear (author of Maisie Dobbs mysteries) to that list, along with Dorothy Sayers. I admire Karen Armstrong, too, and want to read more of her books.Other female spiritual writers I like to read are Emilie Griffin, Beatrice Bruteau, Ruth Burrows, Kathleen Norris.

2. Name a woman from the Bible with whom you would like to enjoy a nice long coffee talk.
Widow of Nain, Samaritan woman, Mary.

3. Name a famous woman from history with whom you would like to have lunch.
Queen Victoria, Julian of Norwich, Madame Curie, Cleopatra (after reading the recent "biography" of her).

I liked Purple's suggestion of the women who worked for women's right to vote. The person that kept coming to mind is not famous, but I'd like to have dinner with my mother's mother, who was a suffragette. I never knew her and would like to have a chat with her.

4. Name a living famous or infamous woman with whom you would like to go out to dinner.
Suu Kyi; I wish I could have sat in a dinner with her and Hillary talking recently!

Newsweek has a wonderful edition this week of the "150 Fearless Women in the World."

5. If you could be SuperWoman (o.k., I know you already ARE) what three special powers would you like to have? 
Endless energy, instant relocation abilities, healing.

Happy Birthday to my Oldest Daughter

30 years ago today my wonderfully talented oldest daughter AE was born. Her father and I like to remember the dramatic story of her birth, which she tires of hearing about. She abruptly emerged when only my husband and I were in the birthing room! He yelled for help, saying,"The baby is coming!" Of course, we didn't know until her birth that AE was a girl. I cried when I called my parents to tell them that I had a baby girl, because I was so glad. Good memories.

The cocker spaniel is in honor of AE, too, because she and KA have Morgan, a cute and pretty cocker spaniel. Almost 16 years ago, AE surprised me with a little blonde cocker spaniel puppy, who is now a surprisingly contented elderly dog who is both blind and deaf.

Visiting Avery

Jan and Avery

March 2, 2012

We visited Avery this past weekend in Austin. My dear husband CB knew I wanted a new profile picture with Avery, so he kept taking pictures. Usually I am the one who is not photogenic, plus it was hard to get both Avery and me in a close-up.

Fasting and Feasting

Fast from judging others; feast on the Christ indwelling them.

Fast from emphasis on differences; feast on the unity of all life.

Fast from apparent darkness; feast on the reality of light.

Fast from thoughts of illness; feast on the healing power of God.

Fast from words that pollute; feast on phrases that purify.

Fast from discontent; feast on gratitude.

Fast from anger; feast on patience.

Fast from pessimism; feast on optimism.

Fast from worry; feast on divine order.

Fast from complaining; feast on appreciation.

Fast from negatives; feast on affirmatives.

Fast from unrelenting pressures; feast on unceasing prayer.

Fast from hostility; feast on non-resistance.

Fast from bitterness; feast on forgiveness.

Fast from self-concern; feast on compassion for others.

Fast from personal anxiety; feast on eternal Truth.

Fast from discouragement; feast on hope.

Fast from facts that depress; feast on truths that uplift.

Fast from lethargy; feast on enthusiasm.

Fast from suspicion; feast on truth.

Fast from thoughts that weaken; feast on promises that inspire.

Fast from shadows of sorrow; feast on the sunlight of serenity.

Fast from idle gossip; feast on purposeful silence.

Fast from problems that overwhelm; feast on prayer that undergirds.

- William Arthur Ward

(American author, teacher and pastor, 1921-1994.)

Visiting Our Granddaughter

 

CB and Avery in Austin

(surprisingly good picture taken with Jan's Ipod)

Unseen Angels

 

I am not an "angel person." Some people collect angels and pictures of various cherubs, but I have always thought they were too sentimental. I like the idea of having a "guardian angel," but how does this angel differ from the Holy Spirit? I would have to accept the reality of angels, which I hedge about. But I believe in the community of saints that surround us, so why can't angels be included?

Anyway, below is a meditation that hit me about angels that I received from Eknath Easwaren's site:

Make yourself familiar with the angels, and behold them frequently in spirit; for without being seen, they are present with you.
   – Saint Francis de Sales

"When the word “angel” is used, we can understand it as a personification of the forces for good in the world. Who will deny that forgiveness is one of the greatest forces on the face of the earth? Show me a man or a woman who can forgive completely and I will show you an angel. 

"If you want to see an angel, you have only to see a person who can return love for hatred. He is not just a person, he is a force. Similarly, a woman who has boundless patience is a powerful force that can transform antipathy into sympathy, ill will into good will, hatred into love.

"There is another meaning as well: there are beneficial forces in life, ready to support those who are sincere but who find their capacities not adequate to the challenges that life presents.

"When you are needed by others, when you have something valuable to contribute, these beneficial forces will support you, and give you greater health, greater energy, longer life, and deeper creativity. Life may strike at you, and challenges can hurtle themselves against you, but you will feel equal to them. Deeper forces from within will support you, hold you up, and act as a shield.

"We are not alone in the universe. We are surrounded by mighty creative forces."

 The Thought for the Day is today's entry from Eknath Easwaran's Words to Live By. (Copyright 1999 and 2005 by The Blue Mountain Center of Meditation.)

I can agree with the thought that an angel is a "personification of the forces for good in the world." I've experienced the goodness of others and God moments/synchronicities that I could attribute to "angels."

What do you think of angels?

 

 

Friday Five: Essentials

 KathrynZG brings today's Friday Five to RevGalBlogPals and she writes:

I'm heading from unseasonably warm temperatures and no snow to a place of GREAT SNOW. Sadly, for reasons that don't need to be boringly laid out here, I am sans decent winter boots at the moment so I need to find some... NOW!

In the meantime I am shaking my head at myself. How could I possibly be without one of the key essentials for living in my environment?

Every area is different. What are the 5 key essentials needed for where you live?
And bonus - what have folks looked twice at you for because you wore it out of place.

There aren't that many seasonal changes way down in south Texas, where I have spent my adult life.

What I need in Corpus Christi, TX:

1. sandals

2. crop pants (that used to be called "pedal pushers" when I was young)
Younger (and more fit) people need shorts.

3. short sleeved shirts

4. sunglasses

5. sunscreen

Bonus:
Probably I am more out of place when I visit other locales, bringing clothes for warmer weather than I encounter. Wearing socks with sandals was more appreciated in WA State than down here in TX, so that's probably the most inappropriate thing I have worn here.

Praying Through Lent

From Contemplative Photography

Diane Walker is daily posting her art with prayers like this one for Lent. She is truly gifted. Please visit her here.

This is also posted today at the RevGals' prayer blog A Place for Prayer. Prayers are posted there daily, so please visit here, too!