Trust

It is always interesting to observe the Spirit at work in oneself, which only seems to happen with awareness. I woke up this morning, thinking I should delete my last post, as it seemed to be whining. I am so ingrained with the belief that people don't care (and not to bother people) that it still colors how I think.

In our weekly Renovare meeting this morning (the "chanting" group daughter AE calls it), I spoke of my experience with lectio this week. This small community ushered into my consciousness how God continually heals me. I could share with them without thinking I was "whining." I've learned to trust and care about each woman in the group and know they feel the same about me. That's how the woman seeking the coin in Luke felt about her friends and neighbors.

One friend, JS, pointed out to me that trust is developed at a very early age in infancy and then is reinforced throughout one's childhood. My mother often told me that doctors told her a baby's lungs needed to be developed by crying, especially a premature baby's. (That was me.) So maybe that's the beginning of my lack of trust. Who knows?

This brought to mind how I have been told my two different spiritual directors that my wound is trust. About 12 years ago when I was at Lebh Shomea for the Listening Heart Retreat, I met with Father Kelly* once. What I remember is he told me I did not trust God. That was a revelation to me at that time! Some years ago Father David (who was my spiritual director for the past 10 years and is moving) told me and repeated over time that my "broken feather is trust."

So I'm back to peeling the onion and finding again the ribbon of trust I need to look at. I am grateful how God has grown me in trusting him and others, but he is also showing me how I still need to grow.

In spiritual direction yesterday, I found myself telling someone that we only can start to change our thought patterns when we become aware of whatever persistent judgment or "voice" that plays over and over again--and thank God for this insight--and stop going down that spiraling descent. It is a very long process. And I didn't realize I was telling myself the same thing! I didn't know until now that those admonishing voices were coloring my thoughts about myself.

Stop! Look! Listen!

*(Here's an essay about worship, with illumination from Fr. Kelly at Lebh Shomea. Vanstone is mentioned, too, whom I first heard of through Mystical Seeker's post.)