Gay by birth or choice?

MadPriest posted an article, Daddy knows what's best for his little girl, about a minister in New Jersey advertising "Help for the Homosexual" promoting the week's sermon delivered by "ex-gay" Greg Quinlan on the sign outside his church. I am appalled at his actions, especially because this minister's daughter came out 11 years ago. Why can't a father's heart be softened for his own child? Why is he unable to love his daughter the way she is? How can he believe God looks at his daughter as God created her and does NOT call her "good"?

MadPriest goes on to expound on that last question, which has reminded me of a paper I wrote for a class at seminary five years ago, which I felt was an exhortation. At that time, my esteemed professor urged me to publish it. I never have, but now I have the opportunity, though I plan to delete sections. The best part of the entire paper is my daughter's letter (in bold) that she gave me permission to print. So here it is, from someone who dislikes lengthy postings!

An Exhortation by Jan

December 2002

I have a 20 year old daughter who is gay, and I am finding that the anguish and turmoil I have gone through in the past four years trying to accept that have stretched my heart and mind to an understanding that is beyond the typical person's. I have also been surprised that the class (on homosexuality) at church has opened me to clarify my position much more clearly to myself. That has been helped by me finding connections with the class to my studies at Oblate.

My church’s class was needed for education and possibly healing. Instead, the topic of homosexuality has usually been avoided and there has been little discussion. The few times people have talked, I have felt judgment, criticism, exclusivity, and rigidity. Oddly, I am feeling polarized and have been motivated to think, pray, and read about this topic-- and feel pulled to take a public stand, which I guess I am now starting to do.

Even though some people use the vice lists in a few of the NT Letters to declare homosexuality to be evil, I have found resources in these same letters to help guide me through this time of disturbing conversations.

And I have since learned that in I Timothy I:9-10, “homosexuality” is not listed usually, as the Greek words used, referred to male prostitution and pederasty, which was the practice of enslaving boys or youths for sexual purposes for adult males. In fact, the word “homosexuality” is a modern word and was not used until 1869.

However, I have learned that many people believe homosexuality is a choice made—a choice to sin. My (UMC) church labels “homosexual acts to be incompatible with Christian beliefs,” which is probably the attitude of most Christian churches, though mainline churches are being split apart by this issue.Perhaps disagreements are occurring just as they did concerning slavery 150-200 years ago.

Sadly, the image of exiles and aliens in the main culture could be applied to the homosexuals in the United States. A scholar talked about the ancient groups in I Peter as being marginalized, and so are gays today, especially in Christian churches. Just as the dispersed believers in Asia Minor in I Peter were harassed and belittled by their surrounding society, so are homosexuals demeaned, especially the few who have wanted to be in my church.

What a lot of people evidently don't think about is how homosexuals feel. This is what I think and you can quote me if you want. Why in the world would anyone choose to be homosexual? Let's see, I would like to be discriminated against for the rest of my life and be told by half the people around me that I am going to hell because of who I am, be told by more than half of the people around me that I am not allowed to marry the person I love because our love is not real love-- it's not to be recognized. I wish I was straight. It would make my life a hell of a lot easier. But it would be worse for me to pretend I could be straight and live a lie. If no one you have ever loved has been gay, just wait, you’ll come across someone sometime. and then if you can still look that person in the face and tell them that who they are is a lie, you’ll know that homosexuality isn't the problem, your own humanity is at stake. Homosexuality is no more a choice than eye color or height. If it were, I'd be straight and 2 inches taller.
Love, AE

This is my daughter suffering, and I suffer with her. I believe Christ suffers, too. I hope she can continue to live in truth. AE is one of the most forthright and honest people I know. I believe she would rather be true to herself than pretend otherwise. I Peter 3:17: “For it is better to suffer for doing good, if suffering should be God’s will, than to suffer for doing evil.”

Throughout the New Testament, we are assured of God’s love through Christ Jesus. Jesus commanded us to love God and our neighbors. He showed this love by eating with the most despicable sinners or outcasts of his time, which I am sure today would include homosexuals and people with AIDS.

We see division when we forget to keep Jesus as our focus, as the lense through which to see. Ephesians 2:14 spoke of the difference between Gentiles and Jews, but this could also apply to contemporary opposing groups: “For he is our peace; in his flesh he has made both groups into one and has broken down the dividing wall, that is, the hostility between us.” How can we remember this?

I think we forget so much when we are not in a community that is guided, taught, and preached the way of discipleship. This was important in the early church. Discipleship in James was rooted in community—acting as family. Ephesians encourages that community be joined and knitted together as a body, which will promote “the body’s growth in building itself up in love” (Eph. 4:16). Knitting is a process in creation, and so is community.

Frederick Buechner, a Presbyterian minister and author, has compared a 12 Step Group in one of his books to the early church. There is honesty, respect, and dependence upon God in these meetings. He writes that they have a common purpose and come together to help themselves and others. “They realize they can’t pull this off by themselves. They believe they need each other, and they believe they need God.” At the meetings “they tell where they went wrong and how day by day they are trying to go right. They tell where they find the strength and understanding and hope to keep trying. Sometimes they take special responsibility for each other—to be available at any hour of day or night.”

“You can’t help thinking that something like this is what the Church meant to be and maybe once was before it got to be Big Business. Sinners Annonymous. ‘I can will what is right but I cannot do it,’ is the way Saint Paul put it, speaking for all of us. ‘For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do’” (Romans 7:19) (Buechner, Whistling in the Dark 4-5).

In American society with our focus on the success of each individual, it is easy to believe the individual is correct. Total self-reliance and success in competition are prized. Gaining the upper hand in controversies can be a form of such success, but in the winning, the sense of community is often lost. “Me” came first, rather than God. (Sometimes in the situation I have brought forward, the Bible comes first, rather than the love of God shown through Jesus Christ.)

Peter’s directions for community to stay together are relevant today:

“Above all, maintain constant love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without complaining. Like good stewards of the manifold grace of God, serve one another with whatever gift each of you has received. Whoever speaks must do so as one speaking the very words of God; who ever serves must do so with the strength that God supplies, so that God may be glorified in all things through Jesus Christ” (I Peter 4:8-11).

It is living out Ephesians 4:15-16:

“But speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body joined and knit together by every ligament with which it is equipped, as each part is working properly, promotes the body’s growth in building itself up in love”

This is a way to remember I Peter 3:8-9:

. . .all of you, have unity of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or abuse for abuse; but on the contrary, repay with a blessing. It is for this that you were called—that you might inherit a blessing.”

It is too easy to be like James’ description: “If any think they are religious, and do not bridle their tongues but deceive their hearts, their religion is worthless” (1:26). This probably describes most of us at many times in our lives- especially when our focus is on ourselves, not on God—that’s a way of deceiving our hearts.

I hope that we can learn to strive towards the goal of the realization of God’s Kingdom. We truly are in the tension of the being there and not yet, which creates struggle. Unless we struggle together, not against each other, we cannot move forward together. We need guidance and instruction from our churches on how to live out the life of discipleship, how to live in and be a community.

I want to help and know I cannot do this alone. What stands out for me to hold onto is a verse from I Peter—3:14:

“Do not fear what they fear, and do not be intimidated, but in your hearts sanctify Christ as Lord.” I pray that this may be so. Amen.