Let prayer happen!

"Mary’s understanding of her nothingness is also saying something about you. Your worthiness is given. It is not attained. It is God in you searching for God. It is God in you that believes and hopes and cares and loves. There is nothing that you can take credit for. It is something you just thank God for! "Eventually you will not be inclined to say, “I prayed today.” Rather, you will want to say, “Prayer happened today—and I was there!” Whatever you do in communion is prayer. When your mind, your heart and your body are all present; that kind of full presence is automatically prayer. At that moment God is able to use you and speak to you. "I believe Mary is the model for being used by God. And we, like her, are just standing here saying, “Let it be done unto me” (Luke 1:38). All we can do is let it happen." ~~Richard Rohr Adapted from an unpublished talk given in Tucson, Arizona

Healing

There once was a wise sage who wandered the countryside. One day, as he passed near a village, he was approached by a woman who saw he was a sage and told him of a sick child nearby. She beseeched him to help this child. The sage came to the village, and a crowd gathered around him, for such a man was a rare sight. One woman brought the sick child to him, and he said a prayer over her.

"Do you really think your prayer will help her, when medicine has failed?" yelled a man from the crowd.

"You know nothing of such things! You are a stupid fool!" said the sage to the man.

The man became very angry with these words and his face grew hot and red. He was about to say something, or perhaps strike out, when the sage walked over to him and said: "If one word has such power as to make you so angry and hot, may not another have the power to heal?"

And thus, the sage healed two people that day.

With thanks to Ellie at The Anchorhold. She attributes this to the website Living Fully.

Here is another quote from Living Fully:

"Aligning our minds with the most compassionate
words and thoughts we can muster can bring
connection and a sense of peace. For some,
it means giving up almost an entire way of life,
but only this will allow glints of joy to shine through."

Laura Berman Fortgang

My Kick in the Butt

I don't know that I "really needed" to get a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis, but I can see that it has pushed me to get more exercise. The heat and humidity deter me from walking here, but that is not all-year-round--just now (until October). After walking in the mall this morning and then going to Splash Aerobics at the YWCA, I appreciate the physical activity for today.

So on this last Saturday in May, I am going to list what I am grateful for, some of which is due to my illness:

• Joining the YWCA and attending water exercise classes.

• Having a walking friend on Saturday mornings at the mall. Even when she doesn't join me, I walk! I also appreciate my walking friend for Sunday nights.

• Getting in to see the rheumatologist, Dr. P, so quickly. I have already had two appointments with him, while the other physician scheduled me for my first appointment on August 8, which I cancelled.

• Being diagnosed with RA now, rather than 15-30 years ago, when the only analgesic to relieve pain was aspirin. Lots of research has been done, especially in the last decade.
  

• Husband CB reading How to Eat Away Arthritis, even though it is unscientific, which usually stops him in his tracks. In a week or so, we will both try the fasting diet, which sounds strenuously healthy and should helps us lose weight, if nothing else.

• Getting an excellent book about arthritis in the mail yesterday: A Resilient Life: Learning to Thrive, Not just Survive Rheumatoid Arthritis. It is written by an occupational therapist who has had RA since she was a child; I am grateful that I have not had to suffer like she did growing up.

• RA keeps motivating me to meditate more frequently. This is really from God's nudges. The old adage that the more you pray, the more you want to, is true. I look forward to sitting at least twice a day for 20 minutes, but have been doing that more often, too.

• I really like meditating with the Equanimity app on my Ipod Touch. It is lovely to be invited into the silence with a gentle gonging bell, which also ends the time I have chosen.
  

• MJ flying home from her semester in Spain on TUESDAY!

• Seeing son BJ for about 15 minutes yesterday, as he dropped off his hyper Springer Spaniel Troy to spend the weekend with us. BJ and friends are renting a house on the beach in Port Aransas for this Memorial Day weekend.

• Troy is a loving dog, who is keeping Maisie more active than usual.
  

• Yesterday (May 27) was the 42nd anniversary of our first date! (Really, the anniversary of our "second" date, because the result of our initial dating period the year before was dislike.)
  

Friday Five: Allergies

Mary Beth is bringing today's Friday Five to RevGalBlogPals--about allergies!

1. Do you experience any seasonal allergies? Are you allergic to anything else?
Currently, I have drainage down my throat and sound like my father as I keep clearing my throat. Probably every day I have to cough up some phlegm. When I first lived in Corpus Christi, TX, my allergies seemed to disappear--but in the last 5-10 years this allergic reaction keeps occurring, especially when the wind blows so much.

With the advent of rheumatoid arthritis, I am wondering if it is exacerbated by certain foods. Both my husband and I are reading a book about food allergies and inflammation and so we'll probably be investigating this further.

2. What kinds of symptoms do you experience during your allergic reactions?
(See above.)
When I was growing up, I had hay fever and allergies, which usually ended up becoming sinus infections. I am glad that does not happen anymore.

3. How do you manage your allergies?
Sometimes I take Benadryl, which is usually best before bed so I sleep then and not in the daytime!

4. What is the strangest allergy you've ever heard of?
Not sure, but I'm hoping I won't have one of those to foods!

5. How do you feel about school and social policies that ban peanuts and other allergens?
I haven't looked into this. I am inclined to believe that policies get too rigid, but then I can see the concern for allergic children, especially young ones. So I'll be wishy-washy and give up control of the situation. . . .especially as I never had any authority about it anyway.

You are what you believe

You are what you believe.
– Anton Chekhov

"You are what the deep faith of your heart is. If you believe that money is going to make you happy, then you will go after money. If you believe that pleasure will make you happy, you will go after pleasure. Because, “as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he,” not as he thinketh in his head. There is a vast distance from the head to the heart. In the Greek and Russian Orthodox traditions, they say that whatever spiritual knowledge you have in your head must be brought down into your heart. This takes many, many years."

~~Eknath Easwaran

The Thought for the Day is today's entry from Eknath Easwaran's Words to Live By. (Copyright 1999 and 2005 by The Blue Mountain Center of Meditation.)

Select the Thought for the Day for any day of the year.

Shake all the nonsense out!

Love wants to reach out and manhandle us,
Break all our teacup talk of God.
If you had the courage and
Could give the Beloved His choice, some nights,
He would just drag you around the room
By your hair,
Ripping from your grip all those toys in the world
That bring you no joy.
Love sometimes gets tired of speaking sweetly
And wants to rip to shreds
All your erroneous notions of truth. . .
The Beloved sometimes wants
To do us a great favor:
Hold us upside down
And shake all the nonsense out.

-Hafiz

Struggle of Prayer

The Wisdom Class is almost finished reading Karen Armstrong's The Case for God. Yesterday we discussed a story related there about the Holocaust, which is staying with me:

"Another Auschwitz story. . . . Even in the camps, some of the inmates continued to study the Torah and to observe the festivals, not in the hope of placating an angry deity but because they found, by experience, that these rituals helped them to endure the horror.

"One day a group of Jews decided to put God on trial. In the face of such inconceivable suffering, they found the conventional arguments utterly unconvincing. If God was omnipotent, he could have prevented the Shoah; if he could not stop it, he was impotent; and if he could have stopped it but chose not to, he was a monster. They condemned God to death. The presiding rabbi announced the verdict, then went on calmly to announce that it was time for the evening prayer.

"Ideas about God come and go, but prayer, the struggle to find meaning even in the darkest circumstances, must continue."

Armstrong, Karen. The Case for God. NY: Alfred A. Knopf, 2009. 278.

I cannot explain or understand the suffering and pain in the world. Prayer is my answer to keep me realizing/knowing that God undergirds it all, somehow, some way. Prayer, worship, community support and remind of the Love that connects us all. It is my task to continue, despite suffering, disillusionment, ennui.

Monday and Mysteries

Monday, and I realize that I am not blogging or doing much on the internet these days. I am waiting for my second appointment with my rheumatologist, which is tomorrow. Then I should learn the results of all the blood tests, x-rays, and bone scan--and what form of "therapy" will be undertaken.

Since the pain-filled weekend over Mother's Day, I have been on a reading jag. When we departed from DC, AA and Avery's home in Austin, I also left my book bag behind. Having no book to read on the 4+ hour drive home, I suggested that husband CB would need to converse the entire trip. He soon stopped at a Walmart in Seguin for me to find a book to read! Perusing the shelves repeatedly, I finally chose The Lincoln Lawyer by Michael Connolly. It was an enjoyable quick-read, which got me started on a series of mysteries.

However, the books devoured were by a different author! When I went to our public library to find more books by Connolly, I found some by a Connolly, but not the same one. These were by John Connolly, and I discovered that I liked his novels even better than those of the legal angle.

John Connolly is an Irish author who writes about a detective named Charlie Parker who lives in Maine. The books are alternately classified as mysteries and/or thrillers, with supernatural elements hinted and intertwined in the stories. Connolly writes about Charlie Parker (from the website):

"Parker is a man tormented and haunted by the deaths of his wife and little daughter, taken from him while he was in a bar feeling sorry for himself. Through the course of Every Dead Thing and the novels that follow, he develops as a human being from someone who has descended into violence and despair to become a compassionate, empathetic man, one who realises that he has to forgive himself as well as others if he is to make reparation for his failings. There is a line in the third novel, The Killing Kind: 'Reparation is the shadow cast by salvation.' That statement represents, in a way, the core of the novels. "

I really like his character development of the main characters. There is a lot of action and violence, but psychological aspects are revealed, too. All of Connolly's books are in our public library, so try one for your summer reading! The newest one will be published in September--The Burning Soul.

Charlie Parker Series:

• Every Dead Thing, 1999
• Dark Hollow, 2000
• The Killing Kind, 2001
• The White Road, 2002
• "The Reflecting Eye", a novella included in Nocturnes, his collection of short stories, 2004
• The Black Angel, 2005
• The Unquiet, 2007
• The Reapers, May 2008
• The Lovers, 2009
• The Whisperers, 2010
• The Burning Soul, 2011

Friday Five: Words

Today's RevGalBlogPals Friday Five is about favorite words, liked for any reason.

1. mazagine: I guess being a new grandmother (of six month old Avery) brings to mind words that my children liked to say. This is what Avery's dad would call a "magazine" when he was little. I like the way that sounds!

2. bubbler: Remembering DC when he was little also brought to mind the funny name (to us from the south and NW) for water fountains in Rhode Island. BJ was in first grade and liked to drink from the "bubbler."

3. YOU: "You" has always been my centering word, especially when I practiced Centering Prayer. Just breathing it brings me to that quiet, expansive Presence. "You" is also a reminder of the Christ within each person, which I long to realize and always see.

4. books: I love to read and to learn, especially through (old-fashioned) books. I like all kinds of books, but my favorites are mysteries, theology, and cookbooks! I was surprised to see that I have 215 posts under the label of "books" on this blog. But I also have a separate link to MYSTERIES, which could provide nudges for summer reading.

5. connections: Friends, family, love, compassion, peace, wisdom (and one and on)--Words connect me to God, the Energy/Love intertwining us into One, ultimately into Silence.

Sometimes?

Not alone

Last week Mad Priest posted this nagging image on his blog; it can be taken either positively or negatively.


While I was suffering through so much pain recently, I kept remembering those eyes--as a symbol of God/Love who is always present. Sometimes we can glimpse more and even feel the presence of something, like a warm Labrador Retriever. Other times, there just seems to be emptiness. Holding onto the word or memory helps, especially through friends, family, meditation, and taking one step at a time.

I try to remember that the ABSENCE of God is actually the PRESENCE of the Holy One. That piece of wisdom is from Karl Rahner via Father Makothokat, a professor at Oblate School of Theology. How grateful I am for that insight, which helps me to go on.

~~~~~~~~~~
Yesterday I went to see the rheumatologist recommended by friends. He spent an hour with me and then sent me for blood tests, a bone scan, and x-rays. I meet with him again next week to learn the results of these tests. I am staying on the Prednisone (steroid) that my family practice doctor prescribed (again) last week, and so am moving around and am feeling optimistic.

I appreciate all of you who have been supporting me through thoughts, prayers, comments, and suggestions. You help me to sense the presence of that Dog/God!

Pictures from Mother's Day

Avery helped to stand.

Lunch at Z-Tejas Restaurant in Austin, TX
Jan, Avery, CB

While babysitting on Saturday night, CB eats Chinese food while Avery watches.

AA's first Mother's Day!
Son DC, Avery, daughter-in-law AA

I am hoping!

Due to the insistence and help of friends, I have an appointment with a rheumatologist in two days--on Monday. I keep thanking God for my friends' intervention. Having a semi-diagnosis and an appointment with a specialist give me hope.

I checked out three books about rheumatoid arthritis from our public library today. I latched onto the phrase from a scientist that is hard to let go of--80% of people suffering from RA are partially disabled within 12 years. That is a frightening prospect.

"More than 80 percent are partially disabled within twelve years after the diagnosis of the disease, and 16 percent are completely disabled. Median life expectancy is shortened an average of seven years for men and three years for women." (26)

Lee, Thomas F. Conquering Rheumatoid Arthritis. NY: Promethius Books, 2001.

Could that statistic be changed ten years after the book's publication?

So I am trying (again) to stay in the present:

• Am I safe right now? (yes)
• Who is in charge? (God)
• Who is with me right now? (God)

In another book about RA, I found this wonderful quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

"What lies behind you, what lies ahead of you,

pales in comparison to what lies within you."

Koehn, Cheryl et al. Rheumatoid Arthritis: Plan to Win. NY: Oxford University Press, 2002. xiii.

I am grateful for supportive friends and family. You help me see God within you and within me.

May the light of our souls guide us.
May the light of our souls bless the work that we do
with the secret love and warmth of our hearts.
May we see in what we do the beauty of our own souls.
May the sacredness of our work bring healing, light
and renewal to those who work with us
and to those who see and receive our work.
May our work never weary us.
May it release within us wellsprings of
refreshment, inspiration and excitement.
May we be present in what we do.
May we never become lost in bland absences.
May the day never burden.
May dawn find us awake and alert,
Approaching our new day with dreams, possibilities and promises.
May evening find us gracious and fulfilled.
May we go into the night blessed, sheltered and protected.
May our souls calm, console and renew us.

"Celtic Blessing" in Anam Cara: Spiritual Wisdom from a Celtic World by John O'Donohue

This prayer is also posted at A Place for Prayer today. Please visit this ministry blog of RevGalBlogPals.

Diagnois

Diagnosis: Rheumatoid Arthritis

Dr. S. called minutes ago to tell me that my numbers are extremely high in the Rheumatoid Panel (blood sample) taken yesterday afternoon. He is referring me to a rheumatologist, which is also why he had that blood sample taken yesterday.

Prayers were answered with the diagnosis and referral. Thank you. Now I hope I won't have to wait too long to see the specialist.

Help!

I need your prayers.


This image shows how I have been feeling for the last few days--frustrated, angry, sad about the increasing pain in my joints. It was especially difficult being with my 5 month old granddaughter since yesterday, when the pain peaked--I could not lift her or hold her for very long, because my hands hurt so much.

I had hoped that the joint pain was disappearing, though I was deluded for the past month by taking a pseudo-steroid Presdnisone, mostly while I was in Spain. This relieved the pain (and now I realize, the swelling) until I decreased the dosage week-by-week until last Tuesday. When I saw my family doctor, he prescribed a pain medication, which seemed to have little effect by the second day.

That was Saturday, when we were in Austin visiting son DC, his wife AA, and little Avery. That day and night the pain reached the worst I have ever felt. I could barely take a step. The worst part was not being able to give Avery a bath or hold her as much as I wished. And the pain goes on. . . .

The good part of this weekend was stirring me to action--to demand a referral to a specialist. Dr. S. keeps referring to my initial blood work which indicated that my sed level was "LOW" and so I had no inflammation--I should have paid more attention to Father Bill and Songbird who told me to see a rheumatologist way back on March 8!! (Here, you can only see one if you are referred by your primary care physician.)

THIS is why I have not been blogging much lately; just as now, I cannot type long because my right wrist hurts so much.

Please pray for me.

My daughter with a monkey!

MJ at Gibraltar last Friday

God Is Here

From Prayer by Abhishiktananda (Henri Le Saux):

"To pray is an act of faith. This does not mean that, in order to pray, we must first confess our faith in more or less abstract terms. No indeed; true prayer is based on the faith, the conviction that God is here, that he is everywhere, that he is in everything, that he is the source from which everything comes and the end (at once immanent and transcendent) to which everything is on the move.

"To pray is to take for granted that we live in the mystery of God, that we are immersed in it, and that this mystery envelops us and at the same time extends beyond us on every side--'In him we live and move and have our being' (Acts 17:28)."

Abhishiktananda. Prayer. Norwich: Canterbury Press, 2006. 12.

This prayer thought is also posted at A Place for Prayer today. Please visit this ministry blog of RevGalBlogPals.

"If God is hidden, it is because he is in himself beyond all we can perceive, even with our minds. If this were not so, he would simply be one of the possible objects that can be known, just like everything else in the universe. . . ." (17-18)

Resurrection According to Nouwen

"The resurrection does not solve our problems about dying and death. It is not the happy ending to our life's struggle, nor is it the big surprise that God has kept in store for us. No, the resurrection is the expression of God's faithfulness to Jesus and to all God's children. Through the resurrection, God has said to Jesus, "You are indeed my beloved Son, and my love is everlasting," and to us God has said, "You indeed are my beloved children, and my love is everlasting." The resurrection is God's way of revealing to us that nothing that belongs to God will ever go to waste. What belongs to God will never get lost."

-- Henri Nouwen (1932-1996)

It was interesting to see the two different and unexpected reactions to this quotation today. When I used it for an initial meditation time in the Wisdom Class, everyone's reaction was quite positive, especially for one member whose wife died a year ago. (The Wisdom Class is a weekly book study--currently reading A Case for God by Karen Armstrong.)

When my EFM class was presented with it, it aroused criticism and discussion about "resurrection," which could have gone on and on. One member objected to the word "everlasting," saying she preferred "eternal." Another disliked the word "children" and concentration on Jesus. Someone else did not like the infantile ending where Nouwen writes that nothing will be lost in God. The discussion was very interesting and revealed a lot about each one of us, especially since this was the second to the last EFM class for this year (and more specifically, for seven members of the class who will "graduate").

I realize that I resist analyzing it, because I find the short quotation very comforting. When I think of my deceased parents, I like hearing that they are loved and not lost. As I grow more cognizant of my age and future demise, I take comfort from these words for myself. Plus, I liked that heaven is not viewed as a "reward."

This was another gem posted by Ellie at The Anchorhold. Please let me know if you know where Henri Nouwen wrote this, whether in a book or an article.

Monday Minutia

Sometimes the minutia/details of life overwhelm us and so we do not pay attention to other more pertinent factors! So here goes with my Monday minutia that may then be relegated to lesser positions of priority:

• A dead possum lay in the middle of the street in front of our house when we awoke on Saturday morning. It lay there all day until that night my practical husband put it in three plastic sacks and deposited it in our trash can. Unfortunately, now that same trash can reeks with odor, which is why it is sitting on the street. Garbage pickup is on Wednesday, and so the "summer" temperatures (in the spring) in south TX will ripen the contents even more.

• Our interim priest started on Palm Sunday and is a welcome addition to All Saints Episcopal Church. He is a retired priest who is also my age (60!), and is humble and authentic. I really like the way he expresses his own wonderings. When I told him that yesterday, he said he was wary of people with certainties. I like that!

• I have been chosen to be a member of our parish's search committe for our new priest. I am honored.
  

• I am boggled by the downloaded file of 641 pictures taken in Spain! I really want to post about my trip, but need to label all those images. . . .before I forget, which is already occurring.
  

• Since returning from Spain three weeks ago, I suffered through a week of jet lag, followed by gradually decreasing the dosage of prednisone that had been upped in Spain for joint pain. I felt really good until I stopped the prednisone completely--then joint pain started to slowly return and seems to be increasing each day, even though I went back to taking the small dose of 5 mg. daily. Here I go again. . . .

• I am really pleased that my daughter-in-law and son asked us to spend Mother's Day with them in Austin--with their 5 month old daughter, Avery. This will be AA's first Mother's Day, and I am so happy that she will share it with me.

• Despite the terrorist bombing in Marakesh last Thursday, MJ's IES group went on to Morocco on Saturday. I am impressed with IES' prudent organization for all their trips. This has been an excellent semester for MJ abroad. She will return home on May 31.

• Thanks to going to Spain, I read various good books. (The first two are fiction.) I've meant to post about them, but for right now will just list them below as highly recommended:

1. A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness (I am suspecting that this will be the first in a series.
2. Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese (I was told that the first 200 pages were rather boring and to forge ahead as it kept getting better. I agree that it kept getting better, but I enjoyed the entire book.)
3. Grace and Grit: Spirituality and Healing in the LIfe and Death of Treya Killam Wilber by Ken Wilber (This is Ken Wilber's most accessible book and it is profound and personal.)
4. Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life by Richard Rohr (Richard Rohr's typically simple writing brings forth validation and new knowledge.)
5. The Hope: A Guide to Sacred Activism by Andrew Harvey (This is such a good book that I have considered giving a copy to each of my children, as it is not strictly a Christian book.)

• I got an Ipod touch for my trip to Spain. I really like it, especially playing a game called Words with Friends, which oldest son DC told me about. He is faithful about playing with me, but always wins! I used to think I was good at Scrabble, but not so much with Words with Friends. It is fun, and if you ever want to play with me, my name is "janintx."